Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called...

By GavinHosler - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The student becomes the master

By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

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By angelisa - United States - Yuba City

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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By nt121511

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

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By BlueMacaw - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 05:02

Contagion

Today, after bronchitis and a negative COVID test, I finally went back into my classroom for the last day before break. An hour after I got home, a parent contacted me to let me know her child (whom I helped all day) had tested positive and that I needed to quarantine. She thought I would, "want to know." FML

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By al0406 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my grandpa and my sister. My grandpa looks over at my sister and says, "Wow. You're so beautiful." Right after, he turns to me and says, "And you have a nice coat." FML

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By Best-stuf-on-Earth - United States

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

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By kel - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By sad - United States

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

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By soccer_bball - United States - Frisco

Today, I was at the dentist. I ended up having some work done and left with a numb mouth. I have school pictures in less than 2 hours and I can neither smile nor stop drooling everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camarillo

Rubbing one out on the sly

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By Aaron

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

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By HotelNA614 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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By Bob - United States - New Bedford

Today, after saving for months to have a few hundred bucks set aside, the government sent me a car tax bill from 2010. Yep, 8 years ago. They want the interest on the bill too. Broke again. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 05:02

Life of Brian

Today, I never wanted a wife, so of course I got married. I never wanted kids, so of course my unwanted wife insisted we have two. My mother-in-law, who I wish daily would get hit by a bus, just got hired at my workplace. My only pleasure in life is fishing and my kids just broke my only rod. FML

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By TrailerTrash - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

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By WitchQueenLiz - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

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By LassieToe - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

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By ouch - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

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By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

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By NeverGonnaGetIt - United States - Wayne

Today, I went on my 56th job interview since graduating from college 3 months ago. I am 31 years old and I spent 11 years in college. I only graduated with a Bachelor's Degree after all those years, but I am still not qualified for anything due to how long it took me to complete my degree. FML

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By mista hunna - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

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By justwow - United Kingdom

Any day now…

Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

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By phansmootchie - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

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By ShockBait - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

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By sigh - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 02:00

How d'you think?

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

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By goodgrief - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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By bad luck skier - United States - Albany

Today, I went skiing. On the first run of the day, a little girl came out of nowhere and crashed into me. I was fine, but she was hurt, so I called the ski patrol. She told him that I deliberately hit her, and got me kicked out. I was there for 10 minutes. I paid for all day. FML

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By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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Top comments

By MissMoonshine | 0

#3544 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 22:03

Why do so many men think they are exactly what every gay guy dreams of? PULEASE. Get over yourselves and relax your sphincter. You ain't all that, yo.

By Natalie2k8 | 6

#27211 - Thursday 12 March 2009 1:08

If your not gay then why did you say Brad's name when you came?
I'd think you were gay too! lol

COMMENTS

By MissMoonshine | 0

#3544 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 22:03

Why do so many men think they are exactly what every gay guy dreams of? PULEASE. Get over yourselves and relax your sphincter. You ain't all that, yo.

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1703600 - Monday 15 November 2010 6:16

Unless they really are. Many a gay guy has hit on me.

gunnar7240 | 0

#2148912 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:40

Yeah my best friend gets checked out by gay guys and its hilarious haha.

By Spreed | 0

#11660 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 0:46

WTF how do you do that?

ndvorsky | 4

#2781326 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 21:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Bruno_fml | 0

#15675 - Thursday 5 March 2009 5:27

Ahahahahahah, HAHAHAHA, ahahahah that is so funny, hahahaha

By ChristopherAdam | 0

#17662 - Friday 6 March 2009 6:16

dude thats so F***** up, sorry to hear

By applecake | 0

#23089 - Monday 9 March 2009 9:19

Good thing your roommates a guy or you'd have been in big trouble with the misses.

By Natalie2k8 | 6

#27211 - Thursday 12 March 2009 1:08

If your not gay then why did you say Brad's name when you came?
I'd think you were gay too! lol

By LoitumaDude | 0

#36981 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 7:45

I'm pretty sure you just can't admit it to yourself...ever heard of something called a "sub-conscious" ?

TheYoshiMan | 12

#5183559 - Sunday 25 November 2012 10:02

There's no such thing. It's actually called the unconscious.

By myster1ous | 0

#38139 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 21:34

LOL nice.

By jsmith1199 | 0

#42078 - Thursday 19 March 2009 5:06

dude.... wtf come on man

By TheAngelEvol | 0

#53154 - Monday 23 March 2009 21:01

well think of it this way, man. at least now you have a single room, right?