Love: Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/06/2014 14:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 591

You deserved it 8 405

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

Private Catholic school?

By k - 16/02/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 193

You deserved it 11 534

By crayons128 - 24/01/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 979

You deserved it 6 581

By Punk - 07/06/2011 20:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 327

You deserved it 11 803

By anonymous - 13/01/2014 01:40 - United States - Upper Darby

Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 101

You deserved it 44 172

Shower sex time?

By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 650

You deserved it 40 016

By marymark - 13/04/2012 01:02 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 078

You deserved it 38 882

Parent #1 of the Year

By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 09/04/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 172

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my ex adopted a dog from the dog pound. It was the same dog he made me get rid of while we were still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 521

You deserved it 8 471

Taking liberties

By Bernie - 07/09/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, my live-in mother-in-law gave away the family dog because it’s "one less mouth to feed." Last week, she "accidentally" threw away the mail, thinking it was junk mail. No matter how hard I try to convince my wife to kick her out, she tells me, "But that’s my mother, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 136

Backhanded

By wtf - 14/09/2011 18:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 877

You deserved it 4 462

Fortunate son

By Elizabeth Ann - 24/08/2021 20:01

Today, I found out that this fall, I'll be living in a dorm with a communal bathroom, paying most of my way. My brother, a grade below me, will be living in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment, all expenses paid by my parents. Why? "It costs money to get rid of people” and “You can do school from home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 76

By Anonymous - 16/03/2016 20:58 - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 840

You deserved it 1 779

Stay safe out there

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 18:30 - United States - Bronx

Today, for the third time in less than a week, my dumbass roommate has a bunch of friends over. None of them are wearing masks and I don't feel comfortable leaving my room. I'm fucking starving and can't go to the kitchen to get food. The idiot is a fucking nursing major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 364

By shubididubbitty - 20/02/2016 18:06 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 256

You deserved it 1 365

By meee - 13/01/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 482

You deserved it 23 460

By CatOwner - 12/07/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 725

You deserved it 3 272

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 03:23

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 157

You deserved it 50 854

By Alex - 05/02/2016 22:55 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 023

You deserved it 2 952

By Grinch - 24/12/2016 12:08

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 310

You deserved it 703

By Misterhippo - 02/09/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 969

You deserved it 3 066

Lonely, so lonely…

By Anonymous - 09/05/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, to get my mind off being single, I texted some friends. The first one was going out tonight to work things out with her ex, the second told me about his amazing new girlfriend, and the third replied an hour later with, "Sorry, I was having sex when you texted me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 240

By waitingformyfoodstamps - 24/01/2009 10:50 - United States

Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 049

You deserved it 8 331

By Anonymous - 18/06/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 422

You deserved it 5 012

By Ashley J. - 01/03/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 153

You deserved it 17 493

By wooowmom - 05/06/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 535

You deserved it 10 678

It's not you it's me

By mei - 02/06/2021 02:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out I’m a firstborn. My last boyfriend broke up with me because my hair blows in my face when the car window is down, and the one before that broke up with me because I only sleep with one pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 175

By Alicia - 21/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 238

You deserved it 6 284

By Grace - 17/10/2018 03:00

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 414

You deserved it 1 322

By AnonymousQuagga - 07/02/2014 03:07 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 445

You deserved it 16 275

Counterstrike

By Anonymous - 30/01/2010 05:40 - United States

Today, I took my 8 year-old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child, and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 306

You deserved it 3 474

By killmenow - 10/09/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 77 277

By recordyear - 09/08/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 817

You deserved it 7 484

By latenightbite - 16/03/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 083

You deserved it 3 078

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

By Anonymous - 11/05/2018 15:00

Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 797

You deserved it 473

By JustShutUp - 27/07/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 450

You deserved it 923

Sick board!

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 20:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, it was my first time trying to longboard. I ended up going down a steep hill and didn’t know to how stop. I wound up in the hospital with a fractured knee and bruises all over from trying to stop myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 670

Leave me alone!

By Jack Slate - 12/12/2020 11:02

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 754

You deserved it 126

By willywonks - 21/03/2009 05:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 164 846

You deserved it 8 273

By ANON - 18/03/2016 16:04 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 630

You deserved it 8 571

By Killme - 13/07/2016 02:10

Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 054

You deserved it 2 077

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:04

He was only thinking with one head today

lil_miss_simran 15

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:04

That was rude of him

Comments

lil_miss_simran 15

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:04

That was rude of him

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:12

Thanks, I wasn't sure if it was or wasn't.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:53

Dishonest guys are cheats, liars, and douches. Honest guys are jerks, inconsiderate, and asses. Is there a non-negative middle ground?

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Friday 20 June 2014 0:00

honest and dishonest are not binary when it comes to people's personalities. It's a spectrum with countless other factors thrown in

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Friday 20 June 2014 0:13

I guess a non-negative middle ground would be an honest person who actually loves you and isn't just using you for sex?

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Friday 20 June 2014 0:16

But I suppose when you fish for compliments like OP, you usually catch a person unawares and they can blurt out something stupid by accident.

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Friday 20 June 2014 1:18

If you're in a relationship and neither have said the I love you to each other then I don't think it would be smart to ask.. You're putting him on the spot. If he loves you eventually he'll say it without feeling pressured to do so. Also he might lie just to not hurt your feelings..which was not the case here.

WMFG16 14

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Friday 20 June 2014 5:11

thanks Dr Phil ^

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Friday 20 June 2014 5:12

So accurate it hurts...

silverstream20 20

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Friday 20 June 2014 7:07

Not just rude but incredibly insensitive too. OP, if this continues and you still feel unappreciated then leave him and find someone who does.

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Saturday 21 June 2014 12:33

What a DICK, anyone? No? Okay

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Saturday 13 September 2014 20:01

@107 Nobody will laugh when you try that hard.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:04

He was only thinking with one head today

JJ_86 22

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Thursday 19 June 2014 22:12

And OP don't have to worry. His upper one seems to be a non-functional one.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:05

At least you know you are loved.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:22

And doing a good job too lol

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:05

Mine too

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Friday 20 June 2014 1:47

Wow.... okay... thanks for the information..

powelale0000 19

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:05

He sounds like a dick.

jerryj 27

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:15

What does a dick sound like? I wouldn't know, as mine isn't too talkative.

powelale0000 19

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:16

Touche

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:54

I agree, 20, mine just raises his head from time to time and waits to be acknowledged, but he never actually speaks.

sjbartholome 14

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Friday 20 June 2014 15:44

@21, not touché you were making a pun and #20 didn't realize that. you win not him

DArthurVaderian 18

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Saturday 21 June 2014 1:23

#102 This may have gone over your head but he didn't misunderstand, he made a joke.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:05

honesty is the beast policy.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:12

Beast policy? Maybe you should just start lying about your sexual preferences from now on, milky.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:40

Welshite, please! He was merely suggesting that OP's boyfriend was giving into his primal side, honesty being him following his urge to reproduce.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:06

that's why I don't like one sided relationship

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Friday 20 June 2014 0:24

It's not one sided obviously she loves him and his dick loves her.

Vahex 19

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Friday 20 June 2014 0:34

You're comment made me laugh

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Friday 20 June 2014 2:13

More of a love triangle. OP->OP's boyfriend->OP's boyfriend's dick->back to OP.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:08

Well hopefuuly your "Ex" moves on

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:25

#9: Because ending the relationship is always the best answer. -.-

2i1337i2iscore 13

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:52

This sounds like a relationship to you? Shivers.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 22:00

#27 Who said always eh?

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Thursday 19 June 2014 22:25

#27 did.

HockeyPlayerLife 13

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Friday 20 June 2014 4:58

You're Irish. You can still (obviously) say "eh". Just seems a little like "hmmm, Canadian or nah?".

WMFG16 14

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Friday 20 June 2014 5:07

#9 you'll learn about sex when you make it to middle school

VengeanceChicken 12

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:09

You aren't a piece of meat, you can do better.

Honema 16

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Friday 20 June 2014 9:49

she's lots of pieces of meat and fat and goop, but she can do waaaaay better

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:09

If you're feeling unappreciated, don't fish, say what you feel. You can avoid things like this, people. YDI

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Thursday 19 June 2014 21:59

Your name fits your comment like a hand in a glove. Also, I agree. Men tend not to know what's on our own mind half of the time, why do so many women expect us to just know what's on theirs? Communication is key.

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Thursday 19 June 2014 22:04

100% agree. Starting off a conversation the right way sets the tone and leaves no room for misunderstandings or unintended insensitivity.

stephhrunsaway 21

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Thursday 19 June 2014 22:39

Exactly! I'm a woman, and I can't stand when other women fish for compliments. "Do you love me?" Such a dumb question. As soon as I saw that, I hit YDI. When people fish, I sometimes tell them the exact opposite of what they wanted to hear to fuck with them.

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Friday 20 June 2014 0:03

"I'm not like other women" hahahahhahahahahahhahahaahhahahahahabahaaha

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 122

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 84