Animals: RIP - FML

RIP

By funnnyyyyy -_- - 01/08/2015 08:29 - Nepal - Kathmandu

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 817

You deserved it 6 485

Broken heart

Commando

Desperate

By NoThanksGrandma - 20/11/2011 07:37

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 257

You deserved it 4 102

By Cat vs. Dog - 28/04/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 120

You deserved it 5 034

By BCBUDDY - 07/05/2011 15:29 - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 405

You deserved it 91 681

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 586

You deserved it 4 089

By cjhgvb - 06/11/2014 00:48 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 4 204

By ashdk - 28/01/2011 09:12

Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 556

You deserved it 5 647

By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 183

You deserved it 381

By jhftrainer23 - 05/08/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 747

You deserved it 2 847

By Anonymous - 19/11/2014 17:40 - Canada - Windsor

Today, my boyfriend said "You're a real work of art. You know, the abstract kind that no one likes. Anyway, we need to break up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 157

You deserved it 3 704

By hamsterlovinn - 06/06/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 987

You deserved it 5 413

By pzy - 24/10/2016 15:46

Today, I'm in the middle seat on a flight to Dallas. The guy on the aisle is sleeping with his mouth open and I can smell his breath. I feel nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 730

You deserved it 688

So special

By Anonymous - 18/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 111

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

By cynical - 05/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 403

By mylifeisfcked - 25/02/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, I sent out a note to 300 friends saying that I'm having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked to please write back if they are interested in going . . . two people answered...They said they can't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 700

You deserved it 4 762

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, due to the cold, windy weather, I decided to wear my brand-new cute (and expensive) jacket that has a faux-fur hood. As I walked down the street, numerous PETA members attacked me with red liquid. I'm a Vegan and an animal-rights activist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 831

You deserved it 24 948

By creepycrawley247 - 01/05/2013 02:50 - United States - Ellington

Today, after being nearly homeless and couch-hopping for the last few months, I finally signed a 1-year lease. When I got home, I was surprised to see a picture of my new complex on the front page of the newspaper. It turns out that they are fighting a serious bedbug infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 192

You deserved it 3 793

By AgathedeBlouse - 18/11/2008 06:42 - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 497

You deserved it 25 083

By theorifice - 16/06/2010 16:28 - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 140

You deserved it 43 202

By smellynelly - 17/05/2015 16:13 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 816

You deserved it 11 340

By well SHIT - 27/02/2014 21:46 - United States - Little Elm

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 819

You deserved it 61 580

By Anonymous - 29/08/2015 19:10 - United States - West Chester

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 013

You deserved it 2 345

By hannamacintosh - 25/07/2016 14:13 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 801

You deserved it 1 631

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 14:06 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 811

You deserved it 5 052

New life

By Anonymous - 27/12/2020 17:04 - Germany

Today, after losing my job, my apartment and my man, I had to move back in with my mom, at 37. She’s a total slob; I can’t function without clean, organized spaces. So, hey, at least I have a new full-time job now: cleaning up after her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:27 - Australia - Box Hill South

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 850

You deserved it 2 528

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 047

You deserved it 16 850

By yee-whore - 18/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Waterbury

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 218

You deserved it 3 767

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 23:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 364

You deserved it 4 409

By disneyworld - 14/02/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 893

You deserved it 2 448

By Sgt_Jackrum - 05/02/2016 10:27 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Spicy

Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 195

You deserved it 2 363

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 23:47 - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 094

You deserved it 5 235

By dust - 27/01/2012 06:54 - Japan

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 932

You deserved it 3 315

By sweet - 26/03/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 223

You deserved it 5 415

Snap!

By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 207

You deserved it 3 202

By Halle - 01/11/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 036

You deserved it 6 677

By ctschantz - 06/10/2010 14:29 - France

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 727

You deserved it 13 477

By airborne - 06/05/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I saw someone drive recklessly as if they were drunk. When I called the cops, I got pulled over by another cop for talking on my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 111

You deserved it 17 568

Great surprise

By Deployed - 07/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 592

You deserved it 175

By danyelicindereli - 29/05/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 200

You deserved it 48 050

By bruised - 11/04/2016 07:26 - United States - Novi

Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 724

You deserved it 3 016

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:08

I couldn't help but giggle at this FML, but I'm sorry your sister doesn't have a taste for your voice. I'm sure you weren't that bad. As for the bug, that's kinda gross. But you would've gotten a lot of protein from it.

denden_mushi 10

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:06

If it flew into your mouth while you were singing, wouldn't that mean that the bug enjoyed it so much that it wanted to become one with your voice? I bet it didn't know that by. doing this it would result in you stopping and its death. FML for the bug. :(

Comments

shortswimmer17 28

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:03

I sympathise with you I fail at singing too but that was just plain mean of your sister, then again I can see my own brother doing the same thing

mylittlecookie 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 7:12

When a sibling does you wrong, sit on them. Usually works for me ;)

ScarredVox92 16

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Sunday 2 August 2015 7:46

Anybody have Steam and play CoD WaW zombies? I need people to play with!

4WheelBurnout 14

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:03

Spitters are quitters. Shoulda kept right on singing!

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Sunday 2 August 2015 7:17

And what if the bug went down her throat? What if it was poisonous? What if she bit it by mistake?

Creed_Aprooved 12

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Sunday 2 August 2015 19:50

oh yeah now I see why you don't have a girlfriend

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Monday 1 February 2016 8:45

lets make you sing in a room full of hornets. is that okay with you

MisterKnowItAll 15

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:03

You could do the eulogy.

MrSassypants 32

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:18

In song form, for revenge on the sister.

meunluckycharms 16

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:04

Protein!:)

mylittlecookie 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 7:15

True. However, I think I'll stick to meat and cheese for my protein :)

carebear1228 20

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:06

bzzzz i's gonna sting you bzz

Man_of_Manzanas 9

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:06

Sorry, but you are the annoying sibling

denden_mushi 10

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:06

If it flew into your mouth while you were singing, wouldn't that mean that the bug enjoyed it so much that it wanted to become one with your voice? I bet it didn't know that by. doing this it would result in you stopping and its death. FML for the bug. :(

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:07

I would bee mad if I were you, but in-spider rudeness, I hope that it won't deter you from singing. *awaits barrage of downvotes

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Sunday 2 August 2015 7:28

I like your wordplay, but I almost down voted you because of the disclaimer. If you're gonna pun with the big dogs, own that shit!

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:07

You should've stopped bugging her by singing and maybe the bug wouldn't have flew into your mouth

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Sunday 2 August 2015 6:08

Who cares. Keep singing if it makes you happy!

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 18

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 102