Work: Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife....

By knifewow - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

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Work

Commando

Walk on the wild side

Season finale

By ThanksMum - United Kingdom

Today, the only card I got for Valentine's Day was in my mother's handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still won't admit it's from her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

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By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

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By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By scarlet5000 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received my 12th rejection letter for voluntary work, as I don't have enough experience to be paid. I can't even work for free. FML

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 21:01 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Dick appointment

Today, I walked out halfway through a much anticipated dick appointment because it became apparent that he thought my clit was located somewhere on my upper thigh. He kept rubbing it and moaning, "Oooooh, I bet you like that, baby." No, sir, I certainly did not. FML

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By Martine624 - Netherlands

Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML

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By Peppermint - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By thepokemonkid - United States - Avon

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By RikkiTikkiTavi

The unexpected

Today, I was working at my desk and wearing my new noise cancelling headphones. I couldn’t hear anyone around me, so I let out a nice long fart. Every desk behind me was occupied and the fart was not silent. FML

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By veggocake - United States

Today, an old friend that I never really liked invited me to lunch while she was in town. While driving back to her car, I couldn't find my phone, so she offered to call it. She found it under the passenger seat and also saw that when she called, her name came up as "Sabrina-IGNORE". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

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By jerkgirl - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

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By wilmerjean - United States

Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML

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By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By wow, thanks - United States - Seattle

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

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By Andy

Today, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed a photo of a coworker. In the comment section of the photo he and his wife had written "I love you" to each other. As a joke I commented "get a room". Turns out the woman with the same surname as my coworker wasn't in fact his wife, but his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML

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By shithappens

Today. I went on a date with a really great guy. After the date we went to his place and had drinks in the hottub. I ended up shitting myself.FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

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By Maggie - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

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By Curly - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

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By EmbarrassedBather

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 02:01

Mr Kwik Fit

Today, I discovered I'd been ghosted. Last night, I hung out with this guy. We started making out. Everything was going great, then we had sex and it literally lasted 30 seconds because he was done. He got up, got dressed and left and then deleted me off everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By dileigh - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

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By fuckmylife - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

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By Bechara - Pakistan

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend "Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Ese

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

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Top comments

By Iwannarock1 | 19

#6707469 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:03

ummm, that was dumb.

By Mangascribbler | 19

#6707475 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:11

You're a bleeding idiot, OP.

COMMENTS

By Iwannarock1 | 19

#6707469 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:03

ummm, that was dumb.

By Arashikage | 18

#6707470 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:06

Do you not know what a fly swatter is? Or a newspaper?

SquidApocalypse | 9

#6707677 - Monday 31 October 2016 4:02

OP was not trying to kill the fly.

Shadowpartner | 11

#6707709 - Monday 31 October 2016 6:05

Yeah, he was only trying to help the poor fly using a giant knife...

purple_duck88 | 6

#6708421 - Wednesday 2 November 2016 3:58

Clearly says he was waving it away

By mareike | 16

#6707471 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:08

Sorry OP, but when I read that I had a bit of smirk. Hope you are okay.

By Mangascribbler | 19

#6707475 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:11

You're a bleeding idiot, OP.

By Mediusa | 15

#6707479 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:55

No way this could have happened to me! YDI

tounces7 | 27

#6707602 - Sunday 30 October 2016 21:14

I know WTF why did the YDI button go away for this one?

By species4872 | 19

#6707480 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:02

On your way for a Darwin Award.

By ChrisssyChris | 11

#6707481 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:05

TCHTM, I'd use anything to swat away a fly.

By species4872 | 19

#6707484 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:15

Girl on spinning wheel hurriedly tries to untie herself as knife thrower prepares to throw second knife...

By Jared900DUmpling | 30

#6707487 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:23

Next time aim for yourself, you might hit the fly.

By greeniegenius | 14

#6707493 - Sunday 30 October 2016 13:00

Did you get the fly though?