Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife....

By knifewow - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

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Work

Proactive

Relationships sink

Don't shoot the messenger

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

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By bun593 - United States

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

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By funnyguyNOT - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

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By Tingly - United States

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

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By Jeanna - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

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By theawesome129 - Canada

Today, I finally came out to my family as a lesbian. My grandma then told me I'm just going through a phase because I finally realized I'm not pretty or skinny enough to get a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

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By MB - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

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Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML

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By groundedasfuck - United States - Bessemer

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying on the couch with my boyfriend and was feeling tired, so I got a soda. I sat back down and surprised him with a passionate kiss. I also surprised him when I suddenly burped right into his mouth. FML

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By Ma_Nikka - United States - Olivehurst

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

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By WearingOff - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

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By qld - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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By KillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

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By no - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

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By Urgghh - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

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By hahahawoww - United States

Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as "Stupid Bitch". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

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By ShortieRose

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML

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By maced face - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By :( - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

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By DezyCoCo - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent 2 hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for 10 seconds to come back to my 2-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

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By silvernights21 - United States

Today, as I was finishing running a mile, my entire class begun to cheer me on. I felt happy since I don't have many friends. Only when I got closer did I realize that they were cheering for the girl behind me, and in fact, not one person was cheering for me. FML

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By Cerezo - Guatemala

Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML

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By Bug5992 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

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By heallven - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By BonGoWash - United States - Bronxville

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

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By anonamous - United States

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

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By 0stvn0 - Canada

Today, my doctor booked me in for an STD test. I was feeling confident until he explained it will involve having a catheter inserted into my piss pipe. He shook his head sadly and said: "Gonna be honest, Steve, the pain's beyond belief." Great. FML

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Top comments

By Iwannarock1 | 19

#6707469 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:03

ummm, that was dumb.

By Mangascribbler | 19

#6707475 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:11

You're a bleeding idiot, OP.

COMMENTS

By Iwannarock1 | 19

#6707469 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:03

ummm, that was dumb.

By Arashikage | 18

#6707470 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:06

Do you not know what a fly swatter is? Or a newspaper?

SquidApocalypse | 9

#6707677 - Monday 31 October 2016 4:02

OP was not trying to kill the fly.

Shadowpartner | 11

#6707709 - Monday 31 October 2016 6:05

Yeah, he was only trying to help the poor fly using a giant knife...

purple_duck88 | 6

#6708421 - Wednesday 2 November 2016 3:58

Clearly says he was waving it away

By mareike | 16

#6707471 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:08

Sorry OP, but when I read that I had a bit of smirk. Hope you are okay.

By Mangascribbler | 19

#6707475 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:11

You're a bleeding idiot, OP.

By Mediusa | 15

#6707479 - Sunday 30 October 2016 11:55

No way this could have happened to me! YDI

tounces7 | 27

#6707602 - Sunday 30 October 2016 21:14

I know WTF why did the YDI button go away for this one?

By species4872 | 19

#6707480 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:02

On your way for a Darwin Award.

By ChrisssyChris | 11

#6707481 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:05

TCHTM, I'd use anything to swat away a fly.

By species4872 | 19

#6707484 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:15

Girl on spinning wheel hurriedly tries to untie herself as knife thrower prepares to throw second knife...

By CamBen42 | 29

#6707487 - Sunday 30 October 2016 12:23

Next time aim for yourself, you might hit the fly.

By greeniegenius | 14

#6707493 - Sunday 30 October 2016 13:00

Did you get the fly though?