Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

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Health

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Great boyfriend

Freak out

By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By AlphaKappa - 12/7/2018 19:00

Today, my work is doing a legal investigation about whether they can avoid paying me maternity benefit. According to my sleazy boss, "You notified us too late." FML

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By Luke - 19/3/2013 09:59 - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By iharethissomuxh - 11/11/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

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By thisblows - 16/3/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

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By Screwed - 22/4/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By scribbler8 - 14/10/2011 09:35 - Canada

Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML

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By mybfpeedonme - 30/9/2017 16:00

Gross!

Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML

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By not_this_shit_again - 9/4/2014 12:37 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

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By Regina - 3/7/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

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By Nyxilia - 7/12/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Edgware

The best cat

Today, I was woken up by my cat. Did he bite me? Meow to get fed? No, those are too common. He scratched my hole, and it was very exciting. FML

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By walker - 4/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By chicochico - 19/12/2008 16:05 - France

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

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By siighh - 6/7/2011 14:52 - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2016 01:57 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

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By wipeoffincircles - 27/5/2017 03:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By whatdidimarry - 24/9/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

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By imcold - 30/12/2013 07:32 - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By superfiedman - 4/8/2009 08:40 - United States

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

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By raven_of_azarath - 29/7/2019 02:00

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

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By onlyme - 25/10/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, my friend and I were walking home when we saw a patch of wet cement. Taking a page out of every single Disney movie ever made, we wrote our names in it. What Disney movies don't show is when the neighbors tattle on you and you have to pay $500 to get the cement redone. FML

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By okay then - 13/2/2013 22:09 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

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By hulio88 - 7/12/2010 00:37

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

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By outsmartedbykids - 28/5/2014 16:28 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 05:58

Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML

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By Granmacathy - 29/11/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

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By Cogibbt - 3/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

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By Username - 16/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

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By Skittlezzz0901 - 21/3/2017 19:00 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

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By Lonley Lesbian - 17/6/2020 02:02

Bye bye love, hello loneliness

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush out. Also today, she changed her Facebook status to "In a relationship." I'm so damn lonely. FML

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By badluckbrian - 12/6/2019 04:15

Today, I lost my job. This was a surprise, as my performance hasn’t ever been an issue. My boss couldn’t look me in the eye while it happened, and the HR representative cut me off when I tried to ask why, informing me that they would only answer benefit-related questions. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

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By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By K. - 7/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

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By "Brittney Anderson" - 24/3/2019 14:00

Today found out I need to have emergency surgery which is extremely convenient considering I'm literally supposed to be moving out of state in 2 days and my whole house is completely packed. FML

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Top comments

By kimmy91 | 12

#4131664 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:48

What genius created a burns spray that's flammable??

By Betz | 10

#4131684 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:53

One of the many reasons why smoking is harmful.

COMMENTS

By TaylorTheBoss | 4

#4131659 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:46

That's hot

Meme1988 | 18

#4131773 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:26

A little bit too much

LightningCactus | 12

#4131822 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:40

So you burn your skin, so the you figure why not burn my insides too?

waswashere | 0

#4131874 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:56

*waits for anti-smoking posts*

nofearjenshere | 12

#4131931 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 13:16

I am against smoking.

JayJaysGirl | 0

#4132132 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 14:39

Smoking Kills!! D:

BBGxBlondie | 6

#4132432 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 17:18

Smoking burns.

PrincessPesa | 20

#4132557 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 18:41

Life kills.

CommiesRus | 0

#4133154 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 22:32

Scorched Earth and scorched skin are not the same comrade.

jewelz6710 | 5

#4133924 - Thursday 8 March 2012 1:42

Shoulda thought about that when you lit your first cigarette.

Bekeliyr | 10

#4134721 - Thursday 8 March 2012 5:29

Don't care if you want to kill yourself but all these chemicals that leak into our drinking water from cigarette butts is unbelievably dangerous.

yoyoforpeace | 14

#4861580 - Sunday 26 August 2012 7:30

So I set my head on fire. This kid sets his thumb on fire and his fml gets posted. Smfh

By kimmy91 | 12

#4131664 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:48

What genius created a burns spray that's flammable??

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4131706 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:01

How ironic.

rattusrattus | 18

#4131711 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:02

It's amazing how many burn treatments are flammable. I think it's a conspiracy on the part of the companies that make them.

msl1333 | 4

#4132004 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 13:47

It's supposed to be like the bitter nail polish that you use to get yourself to stop biting your nails. 'Sure this will treat your burn, but if you get near fire again, it's going to set your ass on fire'.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4132178 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 14:58

The clue is in the word SPRAY! All aerosols are flammable, that's how they are able to be sprayed.
Next time use a burn cream...

PrincessPesa | 20

#4132570 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 18:47

Not every spray bottle is an aerosol one, but most first aid sprays (especially antiseptic ones) contain some form of alcohol.

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4131678 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:52

Inflammable means flammable?!?

SeedlessMe | 13

#4132138 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 14:42

R.I.P. Dr. Nick
;)

Marcella1016 | 29

#4136138 - Thursday 8 March 2012 11:02

56 - WTF when did he die?

SexyQueen0905 | 24

#5324596 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 6:45

What a country!

By Betz | 10

#4131684 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:53

One of the many reasons why smoking is harmful.

adamcichuttek | 2

#4132265 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 15:48

How does this prove smoking is harmful?

emfma | 0

#4134743 - Thursday 8 March 2012 5:33

70- What you just said proves you to be a dumbass.

Link5794 | 16

#4856774 - Friday 24 August 2012 21:07

Another reason in hydrogen cyanide. That stuff is used for lethal injections, and every time you smoke, you're breathing it.

By jojimugo | 20

#4131686 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:54

Smoking kills

Meme1988 | 18

#4131764 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:23

Smoking burn!

TheDrudgeChild | 4

#4132210 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 15:16

This same comment is in EVERY smoking FML. We get it already, this is about his SPRAY, not the cigarettes.

rattusrattus | 18

#4132232 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 15:29

It's true. My best friend was savaged by a pack of ravaging tobacco pipes once.

jizzwold | 21

#4132258 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 15:46

Rattus is a brony??? *mind blown*

By MakaPaka_fml | 0

#4131690 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 11:56

that's why you use good ol cold water

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#4132239 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 15:33

Cold water dosent stop the burning though

max_bleu | 2

#4135663 - Thursday 8 March 2012 7:54

Yea... Kinda does. Stops it from spreading and from it getting worse.

RedDevel96 | 5

#5937739 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 19:58

fun fact: Cold water can make a burn worse than it is, warm water is better for burns.

By Maddie4898 | 5

#4131716 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:03

And that is why you don't smoke... :p

By DjeePee | 24

#4131724 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:05

Well, you could have prevented it if you read the label...

iamyummylicious | 14

#4131828 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:41

True that.

By perdix | 29

#4131731 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:08

I'll bet that fixed the cooking burn -- fried it right off!

By Kev_Chr | 4

#4131750 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 12:18

see? they keep telling you smoking is bad... XD