Miscellaneous: Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed... - FML

By totallyembarassed - 07/07/2012 04:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 971

You deserved it 28 701

Dysfunctional

Broken heart

Is that even legal?

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 02:12 - United States

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 138

You deserved it 3 303

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 093

You deserved it 1 269

By PoopTart - 29/04/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 095

You deserved it 14 779

By Riskreh - 23/09/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 192

You deserved it 8 813

By alynn - 29/05/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 670

You deserved it 7 979

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 16:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 358

You deserved it 4 722

By Dino - 21/10/2018 14:00

Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 755

You deserved it 165

By barbieissocute - 01/02/2016 03:27 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 490

You deserved it 6 613

By Peachtree - 04/06/2018 15:00

Today, I learned that the super cute guy I've been dating for the last 4 weeks is a total gross slob. His house was like a garbage skip, literally ankle deep in garbage, pizza boxes, old crud, and filth. It stank of cat urine and there was poop residue in his toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 610

You deserved it 447

By search_me - 16/07/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 880

You deserved it 3 291

By GavinHosler - 29/01/2009 21:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 683

You deserved it 33 684

By CatLover - 06/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 421

You deserved it 2 774

By me - 11/11/2015 17:10 - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 143

You deserved it 1 851

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 22:44 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, while at church, I received a text from my girlfriend, saying, "It's not working. We're over." Not only was my phone not on silent mode, I was sitting directly beside my now ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 841

You deserved it 4 491

By yamuda - 11/05/2016 23:24 - Ireland - Carlow

Spicy

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 036

You deserved it 2 002

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 17:00

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 758

You deserved it 2 220

Let's go girls!

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 23:01

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 134

Quick reflexes

By fml9124 - 20/03/2020 18:00

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 671

By superdrinkingbud - 23/06/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 958

You deserved it 580

By i2xl - 24/02/2012 15:28 - Canada

Today, my landlady roasted a joint of beef and the whole house smelled wonderful. OK, even if I am a masochistic vegetarian and former omnivore, that was way beyond cruel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 634

You deserved it 33 781

By torchy - 10/05/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a spa day at home. First, I decided to do a hot oil treatment on my hair. I was leaning over the saucepan of oil on the stove when it flared up in my face. On the bright side, I no longer have to worry about plucking my eyebrows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 810

You deserved it 52 641

By omgstfuplz - 16/09/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 942

You deserved it 13 414

By usmcgirl - 18/11/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 531

You deserved it 2 207

By lexiibabe - 25/06/2019 18:30 - United States - Attleboro

Today, my older brother gave me his old phone. He didn't realize that he hadn't deleted his pictures. I found a bunch of him wearing my underwear and bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 054

You deserved it 134

Legalize it

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 15:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, after arriving, I was told that there will be mandatory drug tests for everybody at my work. Yesterday, I did joints at a friend's party, as it was her birthday. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 1 341

By JTBastry - 30/04/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 046

You deserved it 380

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 155

You deserved it 37 126

By sonice - 18/08/2015 03:39 - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 380

You deserved it 1 862

By tax-man - 02/03/2013 02:35 - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 227

You deserved it 9 086

Not helping

By Anonymous - 18/11/2021 01:59

Today, I was talking to my professor and explained how depressed and stressed out I am. He called the police to my house because he thought that would help with my suicidal thoughts. My parents don't believe in mental health, and I want to die more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 94

By blackedout - 06/10/2009 05:25 - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 196

You deserved it 3 782

By idiot - 28/07/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 820

You deserved it 126 000

By genderbender - 17/11/2010 01:21 - Reserved

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked "Women's weights room". Oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 909

You deserved it 26 964

His type

By hannieannie - 12/07/2020 02:02

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 462

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 500

You deserved it 57 181

By Timmah - 31/08/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 218

You deserved it 15 749

By Anonymous - 05/02/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

Spicy

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 076

You deserved it 39 541

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 764

You deserved it 1 871

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 665

You deserved it 10 401

By Thanks Fred - 18/05/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 292

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

TheFamilyElf 17

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 11:54

Depending on the cashier's personality, this could go many ways: It could be absolutely hilarious and you could make a new friend. The cashier could be a sweet old lady who reminds you of your granny, and become flustered. It would be awkward for everyone. The cashier could give you a creepy wink-grin combo. Any combination of the above, and more scenarios. I'm assuming, since this is an FML, it wasn't the first one. So.... Awkward.

Wheredidgrungego 12

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:06

Clearly an acceptable form of legal US currency. Washington is run by dicks anyway.

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 11:52

At least you're saying "always stay strapped"

onlychildFTW 33

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:17

My question is, how do you mistake a condom and a $20 bill. Seems kind of impossible. You could just feel the difference.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 14:47

I've heard about overdraft protection, but this is just ridiculous.

doctorhook86 24

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 16:39

I hope she was pretty, OP.

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 16:50

If I was that cashier, I would have winked and wrote my number on the back of your receipt.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 5:00

I just hope the condom was still in it's package

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 11:53

how did that go..

GVirdi 11

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:43

Well.. The story is an FML now

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 13:04

Well, it is on FML, so I'm guessing not perfect...

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 13:06

"I'm sorry sir. We only take cash, credit ,or checks."

Ray_of_midnight 22

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 17:39

"Sorry sir, we don't take rubber checks."

happle 21

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 18:22

Another reason not to keep condoms in your wallet or pockets...

2oc 5

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 21:56

Tell her it's a limited edition coin still in the wrapper.

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 0:43

61 - oh yes, carrying a condom and being prepared is just a HORRIBLE thing to do.

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 4:51

81- it's actually not safe to keep a condom in a wallet. The friction caused from opening and closing the wallet as well as body heat (from inside a pocket) can cause the condom to deteriorate therefore cause small holes, thus defeating the purpose of using a condom in the first place.

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 6:30

How do you know OP isn't a woman? I keep my condoms in a part of my wallet where they don't rub against things.

TheFamilyElf 17

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 11:54

Depending on the cashier's personality, this could go many ways: It could be absolutely hilarious and you could make a new friend. The cashier could be a sweet old lady who reminds you of your granny, and become flustered. It would be awkward for everyone. The cashier could give you a creepy wink-grin combo. Any combination of the above, and more scenarios. I'm assuming, since this is an FML, it wasn't the first one. So.... Awkward.

GVirdi 11

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:41

The cashier could have also been a guy I wonder how awkward that would have been

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 13:11

You should write more novels and make millions.

ElGrandeNacho 3

Send a private message

Wednesday 11 July 2012 6:54

Just cause you wrote a paragraphs worth, you get a like and a smiley

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 11:58

At least your mum wasn't with you.

GVirdi 11

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:39

You don't know that :3

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 18:42

She would probably put that in the FML to add to the awkwardness.

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 11:52

Why would anyone be buying condoms with their mother...............

Send a private message

Monday 9 July 2012 0:54

Atleast it wasn't your mom at the cash register.

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 11:59

You obviously care for the cashier, you don't want them to get pregnant and die ;)

Senseless_487 29

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:42

Wait, pregnancy causes death? Talk about mind blowing!

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 13:09

All pregancies cause death. It just takes a very long time for the symptoms to show..

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 14:45

And air is poisonous...it just takes 80 years to kill us. :)

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 16:29

If we lived 80 years breathing poisonous air... Wouldn't we get to a state wherein won't effect us? Plus a lot of ppl live PAST 80

igive 29

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 18:18

^ party pooper

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 6:20

Ur pretty

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 12:35

Way to kill the joke, 45.

Listerinekiss_fml 7

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:00

There's nothing wrong with paying people in sex op people do it all the time to get what they want why not try it at the grocery store produce is expensive as hell

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 21:02

"There's nothing wrong with paying people in sex, OP. People do it all the time. Why not try it at the grocery store; produce is expensive as hell!" Try some punctuation, it's great!

Send a private message

Saturday 25 August 2012 5:28

Punctuation is my favorite drug.

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:04

I don't ever remember any condoms feeling like a 20dollar bill

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 17:16

Dnigz13 I think you are my new best mate!(yes I was stalking your profile)

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 18:06

7 - you look like someone I NEVER want to piss off.

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 23:17

Tulegit: hahaha right on I dont mind lol Jinxx: hahaha

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:05

I wonder what the cashiers reaction was..

KM96 24

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:20

Probably shocked as hell ... Just a wild guess

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:22

Or he/she winked and said "I'll see you in the back". OP is definitely leaving vital information out. I think that's it ^

Wheredidgrungego 12

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:06

Clearly an acceptable form of legal US currency. Washington is run by dicks anyway.

rockerlove2013 6

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 16:44

That was a rough comment

SenselessPattern 12

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 3:00

A moment of silence for one of the few funny and original jokes made on FML. May it rest in peace. U_U

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 7:57

It was seriously funny!

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 7:59

I just laughed my butt off :)

RulerFourEntity 1

Send a private message

Friday 13 July 2012 3:47

best comment on FML ever

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:07

Just picturing the conversation with this.. Cashier "I'm sorry, what is this for?" OP "oh umm, always use protection?" Cashier "oooookkkkkkk...." OP "crap. Bye!!"

KM96 24

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 12:22

So OP runs off without paying?

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 21:03

lmao

IzabellaBlack 0

Send a private message

Saturday 7 July 2012 23:05

Why are you guys so mean? I thought it was funny.

Send a private message

Sunday 8 July 2012 0:45

You tried.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 129

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 2 643