Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 84

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 1 176

15/03/2011 22:35

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 499

You deserved it 4 761

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Bum note

Mondegreens

08/09/2018 20:30

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 205

You deserved it 838

02/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was at work for almost two hours today before realizing I had marinara sauce on my face. My coworkers didn’t say anything because I’m really clumsy and they figured it was blood, and therefore not unusual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 720

You deserved it 283

13/02/2009 20:40

Today, I went to dinner with my friend and his family. I went to the men's room at the same time as his father, and as we peed next to each other in adjacent urinals the father looked over at me and said "Don't worry, I've seen smaller." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 231

You deserved it 3 013

09/01/2014 16:01

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 576

You deserved it 5 668

Time to get over it too

By Anonymous - 03/05/2021 20:01

Today, I pretended to be sleeping when my dad came to check on me. I’m not talking to him. Why? Because my mom died in January and he already has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry, she's going to be my step-mom. I’m 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 317

22/04/2012 15:34

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 515

You deserved it 29 033

17/04/2012 18:11

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 266

You deserved it 2 703

10/12/2011 16:45

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 360

You deserved it 3 963

23/11/2010 15:51

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 604

You deserved it 2 760

13/05/2015 23:19

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 670

You deserved it 10 424

05/01/2010 05:15

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 849

You deserved it 9 304

15/05/2010 17:07

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 919

You deserved it 3 874

02/09/2016 02:45

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 046

You deserved it 911

Anthony Fantano over here

By WAPmeBaby - 25/08/2020 20:02

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 203

18/03/2013 09:17

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 809

You deserved it 57 183

20/10/2011 08:26

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 277

You deserved it 19 798

14/07/2011 16:24

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 451

You deserved it 4 142

11/11/2018 11:30

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 922

You deserved it 278

Shave it off, own it!

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 22:01

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 63

19/08/2010 08:22

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 931

You deserved it 38 970

13/01/2010 19:36

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 410

You deserved it 4 971

Asshat

By lissa - 01/06/2021 11:01

Today, at school, some kid I’ve never liked came up to me and said, to my face, "I’m really happy to hear about your mom." She died two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 58

16/01/2017 21:22

Spicy

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 140

You deserved it 6 525

11/01/2014 18:52

Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 172

You deserved it 5 472

30/07/2011 21:06

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 562

You deserved it 6 660

22/07/2013 08:47

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 876

You deserved it 30 210

29/03/2013 00:57

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 740

You deserved it 2 746

Dad joke number 287474

By HunkyFez - 28/08/2020 08:06

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 648

You deserved it 227

28/08/2013 18:50

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 868

You deserved it 58 801

26/10/2016 11:43

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 643

You deserved it 8 732

04/12/2011 21:39

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 345

You deserved it 46 541

05/11/2010 17:29

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 117

You deserved it 50 261

10/05/2019 01:00

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 324

You deserved it 916

21/02/2010 08:19

Spicy

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 382

You deserved it 4 010

Me me me

By fthis - 27/01/2009 17:58

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend for an hour listening to him talk about his new truck and his final exams. I literally did not say a single word. Just as I said, "Hey baby, guess what happened to me today?", he says, "Can I go to sleep? I'm too tired to guess. Night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 420

You deserved it 4 316

16/11/2011 13:47

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 198

You deserved it 4 697

27/09/2009 05:00

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 119

You deserved it 10 773

21/03/2017 19:00

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 458

You deserved it 565

22/01/2009 14:38

Today, I thought it'd be cool and trendy to buy a Blackberry Storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 413

You deserved it 37 314

30/06/2013 10:58

Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 563

You deserved it 20 096

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:56

are you Justin beiber?

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

it's ok, most old people mean well, they're just hard of seeing / hearing / driving sometimes.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:56

are you Justin beiber?

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

Hahahaha nice!! :3

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:04

yes, yes she in fact is.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:21

Justine Beiber is the real name. People constantly leave off the E. Its aggraating as hell, and fairly obvious no "straight" "male" can sing like that.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:23

Oh dear, the grammar nazis are going to ream me a new one :(. Stupid iPhone. aggravating***

NancyDeebensDPDS 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 13:37

It's Justin bieber. I hate when people spell it Justin Beiber! JESUS!

Hello_kitty_love_fml 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:48

One thing, justin bieber is NOT handsome.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 16:05

42, calm down. anyways, Justin bieber is stupid.

CheetosLibrary 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 21:18

are you crazy????? justin bieber is amazing and sexy!

nerdsgetmehot 22

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Thursday 17 March 2011 0:37

#59 To some teenage girls, sure. To the rest of the population, not so much...

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Thursday 17 March 2011 2:27

64 I agree with you, but I think 59 was being sarcastic xD lol

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:11

Really? I'm not a fan of Justin, but I'm tired of seeing everybody hate on him just for the fun of it. He's a human being, and he deserves respect even if you don't like his music or think his voice is too high or that he's gay. I will respect him. He just turned 17, he's still a kid! Give him a break and let him make music because that's what makes him happy.

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:50

we still hate her

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:32

he hates on himself. it's cool wit him

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Friday 18 March 2011 2:36

He gets plenty of respect from the girls who practically die if they take a picture with his cardboard cut-out!!!

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Friday 18 March 2011 15:40

i believe its justine bieber .... ehemm

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Saturday 19 March 2011 2:17

#80: THIS.

killedmyteacher 0

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Monday 20 June 2011 11:16

so we are all assuming now that you are gay or bisexual? am I right?

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Sunday 10 July 2011 19:04

#59 HA YOU WISH

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:57

CROSS-COUNTER!

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 9:28

what other fighters do you play?

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

It's time for you to look like a girl

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

it's ok, most old people mean well, they're just hard of seeing / hearing / driving sometimes.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:24

lol

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:00

tomboy, eh? that's hot.

PreludeToADream 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 0:37

Agreed! Take it as a compliment.

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Thursday 17 March 2011 5:57

exactly what I was gonna say ;)

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:26

I think beyonce did a song like that...

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Monday 12 August 2013 21:19

I think Beyoncé did too.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:01

Do you have a mustache or something?

Battledog5006 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:02

nice A cups

nerdsgetmehot 22

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Thursday 17 March 2011 0:39

#8 What's wrong with A cups?

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Thursday 17 March 2011 4:04

they are tiny

epyk_pryncess 8

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Thursday 17 March 2011 6:57

there's nothing wrong with A cups. just remember, all the girls you think are "hot" for having big tits... are gonna have saggy bags later in life. while us smaller chicks will be perfectly content. thank you. :))

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:47

woh 79 u dont look like u have small tits...

epyk_pryncess 8

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:37

amazing huh? I would like to thank victoria's secret for amazing push up bras... :))

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Thursday 17 March 2011 11:52

I agree with 79. There's nothing wrong with A cups. What if there is a really hot chick with a nice, tight body and ass, but with A cups in front of you, would you think "Yeah, I'd tap that."? My honest opinion even as a boobs kind of guy, I'd go for her.

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Sunday 20 March 2011 7:46

agreed and 79s bra is amazing and her tats rock

moosemonkey1000 6

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:46

I find small tits to be a turn on...

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:10

She's old, in her day guys probably looked a lot different than today (style, clothes, hair, etc). & same with girls. So if you have a pixie cut & was wearing a Tshirt, she just assumed you were a guy without really paying attention (plus her vision probably isn't that great).

killedmyteacher 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 7:59

is that a bong or a dildo?

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:11

Maybe you should stop flaunting your flat chest.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:27

Maybe you should stop flaunting your back-abs and flex your front-abs for all the ladies to admire.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:49

^ what 16 said

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 9:33

haha orly? More than five girls would have to agree before I do it ^.^

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 10:02

Haha, come on then'

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 10:05

hahah 2 =/= 5

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 12:40

do it.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 13:22

do itttt

NancyDeebensDPDS 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 13:40

do itt!!!

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:32

haha ok *blushhhhh*

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 19:16

lmfao niice

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 19:19

yay :)

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:26

She probably thinks your smuggling a squirrel. Or your mustache is better than hers.