Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked...

By blk8764 - 15/03/2011 22:35 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 502

You deserved it 4 761

Miscellaneous

He got game

Hard no

Better Call Saul

By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - 03/03/2014 22:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 160

You deserved it 9 578

By colorfulgina - 12/12/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 6 479

By leahneedssleep - 11/07/2011 10:53 - Canada

Today, trying to make a good impression and be helpful, I volunteered to look after my manager's cat while she moves house. The cat hasn't stopped meowing since he got here this evening, it's now 4 am and I have work in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 449

You deserved it 6 712

By Dr_JF - 15/12/2008 07:11 - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 406

You deserved it 9 018

By iltdtsm - 15/08/2009 16:58 - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 156

You deserved it 3 235

By Pudgymom - 21/10/2016 02:08

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 341

You deserved it 1 623

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 629

You deserved it 4 690

By Anonymous - 22/01/2016 02:21 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 969

You deserved it 2 264

By ohdeargodthatswrong - 09/01/2010 13:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 291

You deserved it 6 139

Awkward

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 14:02

Today, I was ghosted by my next door neighbor, who I've been seeing/hooking up with for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 266

Judge and jury

By ToxicSiren - 06/02/2021 14:01

Today, I posted a picture to Snapchat about being depressed. My close friend, who I share most things with, made fun of my post. That's the last time I share anything with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 168

By Roma - 16/06/2017 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today I asked my mother-in-law to borrow a plunger, so she asked what I needed it for. "Poop," I replied. "I've told you this before," she huffed, "you have to poop a little and then flush, poop a little and flush. You can't go all at once." I can't even shit right for this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 163

You deserved it 504

Leech

By upyours - 22/05/2020 17:00 - Australia

Today, after telling my boss that trailing a hand up someone's leg and leering at them constantly is counted as sexual harassment, I got called an "unappreciative little whiny bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 164

Communication Breakdown

By rosie - 08/03/2021 13:59

Today, I was unable to communicate with a customer who only spoke French. As a result, my boss called me a "monolingual idiot." I speak Spanish, German, and Japanese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 55

By Anonymous - 13/09/2010 16:03 - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 190

You deserved it 2 918

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 08:09 - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 964

You deserved it 7 206

By Minnie - 12/06/2016 13:33 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 080

You deserved it 928

By send the army please - 02/05/2016 06:51 - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 241

You deserved it 1 520

By Waiter - 04/07/2010 10:03 - France

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 years got engaged to a woman I can't stand. I work as a waiter at a catering company, they hired the company and requested me as a server for their engagement party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 082

You deserved it 6 348

By carpetoops - 21/06/2009 16:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 802

You deserved it 35 485

By Hotdogwater - 29/12/2016 13:33

Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 601

You deserved it 330

By Anonymous - 28/05/2017 19:00 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 621

You deserved it 285

By vikingunicorn - 03/02/2011 12:52 - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 944

You deserved it 3 463

By ellie - 23/11/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 622

You deserved it 3 123

Simp

By Anonymous - 23/06/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 410

You deserved it 39 410

By Nick - 13/08/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 378

You deserved it 146 775

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 887

You deserved it 3 415

Asshat

By jayc80 - 20/05/2011 17:59 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 401

You deserved it 3 307

By Anonymous - 15/01/2010 12:53 - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 707

You deserved it 3 095

By numbnuts - 23/09/2013 05:48 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 432

You deserved it 6 029

By grlks - 19/02/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I told a girl I liked her. She replied, "Don't". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 027

You deserved it 5 851

The nickname that sticks

By ap84 - 27/02/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 657

You deserved it 5 609

By ouch - 20/02/2019 18:00

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 616

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 20:12 - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 183

You deserved it 6 349

Drama Llama

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 162

You deserved it 10 068

By knickedleg - 22/05/2010 07:03 - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 365

You deserved it 25 144

By Grrrreat - 04/02/2015 15:16 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 943

You deserved it 4 901

By Beantown girl - 31/10/2011 00:58 - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 680

You deserved it 4 965

By ohno - 13/07/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 212

You deserved it 7 031

It's a conspiracy!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 940

You deserved it 2 493

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Top comments

kgray99 3

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:56

are you Justin beiber?

afdude87 6

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

it's ok, most old people mean well, they're just hard of seeing / hearing / driving sometimes.

kgray99 3

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:56

are you Justin beiber?

singinfool15 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

Hahahaha nice!! :3

gRAPE_SAUCE 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:04

yes, yes she in fact is.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:21

Justine Beiber is the real name. People constantly leave off the E. Its aggraating as hell, and fairly obvious no "straight" "male" can sing like that.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:23

Oh dear, the grammar nazis are going to ream me a new one :(. Stupid iPhone. aggravating***

NancyDeebensDPDS 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 13:37

It's Justin bieber. I hate when people spell it Justin Beiber! JESUS!

Hello_kitty_love_fml 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:48

One thing, justin bieber is NOT handsome.

MissBunny25 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 16:05

42, calm down. anyways, Justin bieber is stupid.

CheetosLibrary 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 21:18

are you crazy????? justin bieber is amazing and sexy!

nerdsgetmehot 22

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Thursday 17 March 2011 0:37

#59 To some teenage girls, sure. To the rest of the population, not so much...

MissBunny25 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 2:27

64 I agree with you, but I think 59 was being sarcastic xD lol

nidawi 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:11

Really? I'm not a fan of Justin, but I'm tired of seeing everybody hate on him just for the fun of it. He's a human being, and he deserves respect even if you don't like his music or think his voice is too high or that he's gay. I will respect him. He just turned 17, he's still a kid! Give him a break and let him make music because that's what makes him happy.

sleepydeath 4

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:50

we still hate her

xxkitsumoxx 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:32

he hates on himself. it's cool wit him

BugsBunny1 4

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Friday 18 March 2011 2:36

He gets plenty of respect from the girls who practically die if they take a picture with his cardboard cut-out!!!

marcelj121 10

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Friday 18 March 2011 15:40

i believe its justine bieber .... ehemm

Mokiikom_fml 8

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Saturday 19 March 2011 2:17

#80: THIS.

killedmyteacher 0

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Monday 20 June 2011 11:16

so we are all assuming now that you are gay or bisexual? am I right?

kisshu_fml 6

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Sunday 10 July 2011 19:04

#59 HA YOU WISH

Sadochan 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:57

CROSS-COUNTER!

TheXTG8680 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 9:28

what other fighters do you play?

denvan 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

It's time for you to look like a girl

afdude87 6

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

it's ok, most old people mean well, they're just hard of seeing / hearing / driving sometimes.

i_love_grrr 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:24

lol

Kefka91 15

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:00

tomboy, eh? that's hot.

PreludeToADream 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 0:37

Agreed! Take it as a compliment.

socal8912 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 5:57

exactly what I was gonna say ;)

jennabell 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:26

I think beyonce did a song like that...

Alimareee 3

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Monday 12 August 2013 21:19

I think Beyoncé did too.

kazzz23 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:01

Do you have a mustache or something?

Battledog5006 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:02

nice A cups

nerdsgetmehot 22

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Thursday 17 March 2011 0:39

#8 What's wrong with A cups?

Pb25797051 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 4:04

they are tiny

epyk_pryncess 8

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Thursday 17 March 2011 6:57

there's nothing wrong with A cups. just remember, all the girls you think are "hot" for having big tits... are gonna have saggy bags later in life. while us smaller chicks will be perfectly content. thank you. :))

prince122 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 7:47

woh 79 u dont look like u have small tits...

epyk_pryncess 8

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:37

amazing huh? I would like to thank victoria's secret for amazing push up bras... :))

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Thursday 17 March 2011 11:52

I agree with 79. There's nothing wrong with A cups. What if there is a really hot chick with a nice, tight body and ass, but with A cups in front of you, would you think "Yeah, I'd tap that."? My honest opinion even as a boobs kind of guy, I'd go for her.

xdannyx117x 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 7:46

agreed and 79s bra is amazing and her tats rock

moosemonkey1000 6

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:46

I find small tits to be a turn on...

fatalkiss 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:10

She's old, in her day guys probably looked a lot different than today (style, clothes, hair, etc). & same with girls. So if you have a pixie cut & was wearing a Tshirt, she just assumed you were a guy without really paying attention (plus her vision probably isn't that great).