Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used...

By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 10:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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Love

Serious times

Boozehound alert

Recycling helps

By Lizzzyygurl - 2/9/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, a foreigner walked into my restaurant to pick up his pizzas. The bill was $25 and he gave me $30 and a 100 dollar bill. I gave him his change from the 30 and I didn't understand so I gave him back the 100 dollars. He said "Well if you dont want it, okay." He was gonna tip me $100. FML

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By really_now - 26/4/2013 00:56 - United States - Reno

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2013 20:38 - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 14:08

Ungrateful

Today, my three-year-old told me he hates me cause I’m mean because I wouldn’t give him another cupcake. Now he is calling his grandma his new mommy. FML

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By MB101 - 28/9/2012 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 22:40 - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

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By krfenton8 - 11/1/2016 06:49

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

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By well crap... - 21/6/2020 14:18

Running commentary

Today, I nervously went to the store to buy condoms for the first time. I felt like everything was going well, and checked out happily. As I was walking out, the cashier lady said to the woman next in line, "He thinks he's going to need condoms." They both looked at me and started laughing. FML

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By momolee - 7/7/2012 19:13 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 18:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

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By uppiskalle - 12/9/2014 14:32 - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

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By foxfur - 14/7/2016 12:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 15:44 - Canada - Sydney

Today, while buying paint, I began to help an elderly woman working to lift some heavy boxes. She told me what a nice young lady I was. Then her boss came over, screamed at her for being lazy and fired her. She cried. So did I. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 17:20 - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

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By Ann - 18/6/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By Allycat - 9/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By B-Rad - 15/11/2012 05:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By no luck - 30/9/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I found out less than 3 weeks before my wedding my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2015 00:54 - United States - Johnson City

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

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By Charli - 13/8/2018 22:37

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By justletitbeover - 28/5/2011 12:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML

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By ET - 21/12/2015 23:30 - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 02:02

TMI

Today, my granny had the phone on loudspeaker, talking to a friend. When the conversation turned from the price of potatoes to ticks in hard-to-reach places, I fleed into the garden. First thing granny tells me once I’m back: The details of how that tick was all the way up in her friend’s husband’s crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By Cait - 30/1/2017 20:00 - Canada - Olds

Today, my friend figured out that if you poke my neck I scratch like a dog. She has yet to cease doing it. FML

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By KS - 17/2/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

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By ohgosh - 12/10/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, my son lost his pet rat, Charlie. Whilst vacuuming under my couch, the vacuum suddenly shut off. Something was stuck in it, so I took it apart. Something was inside, so I leaned in closer to get a better look. Bad news? I need a new vacuum. Good news? I found Charlie. FML

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By becca - 29/10/2012 03:39 - United States

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

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By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Erbtosis - 13/5/2016 02:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By RingofFire - 3/6/2016 23:23 - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By suicide - 4/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I checked into my flight early. The kiosk asked me if I wanted an earlier flight for $50. Awesome. I swiped my card then continued to the next screen where I was informed my new flight was delayed to the same time as my original flight. FML

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By TriangularBanana - 6/5/2016 21:45 - United States - Cypress

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

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By Idk - 29/5/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 17:14 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

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By Mal2222 - 12/2/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

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By Da Boss - 5/10/2016 01:19 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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Top comments

By LNK112 | 5

#5217063 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

At least you don't have to stick around with someone as heartless and cruel as her now??

By CallmeRyuzaki | 0

#5217064 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

Dodged a bullet there bro!

COMMENTS

By basserman | 5

#5217059 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

samreimer | 7

#5218121 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 22:24

Mmm intriguing observation...

By gysgtware | 4

#5217061 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

She's damaged goods, move on!

Codezlol | 21

#5217856 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 20:53

And when her baby daddy leaves her then she will be another single mom trying to make ends meet, she put herself there though. Op should be happy, he dodged a bullet.

By LNK112 | 5

#5217063 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

At least you don't have to stick around with someone as heartless and cruel as her now??

onlychildFTW | 33

#5217709 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 19:47

Yeah she's not a good person it sounds like. "Yes ill marry you." Mumbles under breath *if the real daddy doesn't stick around.*

By CallmeRyuzaki | 0

#5217064 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

Dodged a bullet there bro!

Steve95401 | 49

#5218472 - Thursday 6 December 2012 0:07

Not only did OP dodge a bullet, he dodged at least 18 years worth of child support for a kid that wasn't even his.

slappomatt | 4

#5221895 - Friday 7 December 2012 0:59

Yes. Totally dodged a bullet. U don't know how lucky you are.

By PlayTheGame24 | 5

#5217066 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

That's horrible. But good on you for sticking with her when she became pregnant!

spazz666 | 18

#5217313 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 17:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

RecklessJellyBea | 7

#5217493 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 18:21

Why is it good on him? It seems he believed that his GF was pregnant with his baby. He had no knowledge of the "real" father. So he's a good guy for not ditching a woman he potentionally impregnated? Maybe that's just my interpretation of the FML and how it was worded.

jjessen | 20

#5217648 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 19:19

It's good on him because a lot of guys will break up with a girl when they are prevent, so by staying with her, he proved to be one of the better people of our society, as opposed to his ex-partner, who is a disgrace.

By boyElroy | 6

#5217068 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 15:59

Ooh, that's rough.

By eggmarie | 25

#5217071 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 16:00

People like that make me furious. She was just going to marry you and have you raise the child thinking it was your own because she can't keep her legs shut? Dumb bitch.