Kids: Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 53

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 016

21/11/2012 19:34

Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 841

You deserved it 6 337

This Charming Man

Walk on the wild side

Poker Face

11/09/2017 13:00

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 793

You deserved it 312

13/01/2016 17:05

Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 038

You deserved it 19 911

24/05/2015 15:15

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 436

You deserved it 2 267

28/07/2014 04:36

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 171

You deserved it 4 544

05/10/2011 18:52

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 015

You deserved it 3 031

04/01/2016 04:57

Spicy

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 730

You deserved it 2 498

18/07/2009 10:48

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 306

You deserved it 10 438

09/07/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 188

You deserved it 343

31/03/2015 05:56

Today, and pretty much every day, my co-worker takes off her shoes while working. The smell of her feet makes me dizzy. I don't know if she's oblivious to the fact that her feet stink, or she just doesn't care. It's affecting the quality of my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 963

You deserved it 2 965

02/07/2009 04:42

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 832

You deserved it 50 061

03/03/2011 07:24

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 523

You deserved it 6 609

10/09/2009 13:37

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 399

You deserved it 3 554

01/07/2016 20:12

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 466

You deserved it 5 254

25/02/2011 12:17

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 787

You deserved it 5 502

21/07/2012 06:18

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 408

You deserved it 2 670

10/10/2016 13:04

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 365

You deserved it 889

25/12/2013 01:12

Today, I went to my dad's house for Christmas. Soon enough, my grandma had commented on how much weight I've gained, my aunt asked me why I'm still single, and my dad joined in by reminding me that I still haven't been accepted into college. Only three more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 169

You deserved it 3 677

09/02/2014 21:59

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 296

You deserved it 4 423

27/11/2010 17:36

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 371

You deserved it 41 506

Time to run

By wastedtime - 13/09/2020 10:57

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 100

You deserved it 179

09/12/2009 05:25

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 279

You deserved it 6 070

19/10/2013 20:55

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 434

You deserved it 3 960

17/03/2018 05:00

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 609

You deserved it 405

Annie's Song

By David - 11/10/2019 02:00

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 279

Cheapskate suds

By itchyitch - 30/10/2019 06:00

Today, it turns out the beautiful, "organic" artisanal soap my boyfriend gave me actually came from the 99 cents store. He just wrapped it in some cellophane and gave it to me. I’m currently itching to death from the godawful rash and hives it gave me. I may need to go to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 218

05/02/2011 12:02

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 061

You deserved it 4 203

11/01/2011 03:27

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 102

You deserved it 4 342

Antiques Roadshow

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 02:00

Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 1 275

07/01/2011 23:42

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 051

You deserved it 6 307

16/06/2011 16:14

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 13 491

28/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 226

16/02/2009 14:37

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 839

You deserved it 10 636

27/09/2016 16:43

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 147

You deserved it 1 137

05/06/2009 17:14

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 753

You deserved it 6 244

23/10/2016 17:15

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 111

You deserved it 671

30/07/2017 05:00

Today, my officemate used the telephone beside my desk again. I still can't think of a better way to tell him how awful bad his breath is without the having to do it personally. We've been workmates for a year now and he still hasn't gotten a clue, despite of me covering my nose every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 627

You deserved it 567

01/03/2010 00:33

Spicy

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 436

You deserved it 20 530

23/09/2009 06:47

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 290

You deserved it 15 636

01/06/2018 14:30

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 564

You deserved it 206

17/05/2012 03:53

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 615

You deserved it 2 073

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:45

Fucking hide. Like now. O_O

Attica 20

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:45

Probably shouldn't promise what you can't deliver, next time... If there IS a next time.

Comments

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:45

Knife one. Haha she's just bein a kid... I hope

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:47

Lock the door at night... or distract her with a Justin Bieber shrine.

StalkerChick 13

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:51

This kid sounds too hardcore too be a Bieber fan.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:52

1- good point, that's a pretty sharp observation! I'd take a stab at a few puns myself, but I don't think they'd cut it...

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:56

i dont know of a normal kid who is that enthusiastic about something like that. lame pun btw

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:16

23 - I thought the whole point of a pun is to be lame?

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:30

43 It's to be 'punny.' On a serious note. No "normal" child is like that. I would carry a taser and seek mental help for her!!

tsent8 15

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:45

Forget taser hire the A-team!

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Thursday 22 November 2012 4:35

Hide yo kids hide yo wife... Hide yo self hide yo knife

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Thursday 22 November 2012 5:01

Almost every kid is like that now a days.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Thursday 22 November 2012 6:16

A lot of young kids imagine killing "bad guys". Remember those days when you played cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers? It's just exciting for them. Who didn't want to be Dirty Harry when they were 10 years old?

Hockeyboy4280 18

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Thursday 22 November 2012 7:01

105- Uhh, no.

nancyschmancy 9

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Thursday 22 November 2012 11:10

Op, try honing in on your skills, puncture through her defenses. Just take a stab at it!

nancyschmancy 9

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Thursday 22 November 2012 11:13

Damn, 19 had the stab one already. OK. Replace last line with " just hack away at it!"

dinorider_fml 4

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Thursday 22 November 2012 17:19

Cut it out with all these puns

Link5794 18

Friday 23 November 2012 1:34

I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for another pun. The tension is so thick that you could cut it with a butter knife. A big one.

decidedlyvague 11

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Saturday 24 November 2012 14:25

"That's not a knife... Now that's a knife!"

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Saturday 24 November 2012 18:31

Cops and robbers? Cowboys and Indians? Who the hell is Dirty Harry? Your profile says you're 19 years old, but I'm thinking more like 79 years old. No kids play those games anymore, it's all video games and superheroes on TV. Growing up, we pretended to be Power Rangers.

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:45

Fucking hide. Like now. O_O

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:49

Run bitch run!

wlddog 14

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:05

Killing her first is always an option. But not before she finishes cleaning her room.

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:32

...redrum...

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:44

She's a young Michael Myers in development.

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Thursday 22 November 2012 2:01

What if their is a new FML tomorrow and OP is like my little sister tried to kill me FML

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Thursday 22 November 2012 2:46

Adding to 55- And hide your husband cuz shes killin' everybody out here

Attica 20

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:45

Probably shouldn't promise what you can't deliver, next time... If there IS a next time.

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:59

Goodbye op....

TorturedXeno 27

Thursday 22 November 2012 0:18

It takes hours for these posts to actually post after being submitted. I'm sure OP is dead by now. XP

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Thursday 22 November 2012 1:11

If OP doesn't comment on this, I think we can assume she's been killed. I'll be checking the City of London news for an obituary.

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Thursday 22 November 2012 6:04

67 "Police have no leads. The crime scene had been thoroughly scrubbed before the body was discovered."

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:46

Hopefully she WAS kidding..... If not, make sure you have a phone with you and lock your door. :P

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:07

She probably was... kids are capable of humor, guys. Granted the fact that the one thing that motivated OP's sister was murder is a little unsettling, but it's highly unlikely that she will actually attempt to kill OP.

sadistmonkey 19

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Thursday 22 November 2012 4:16

I wonder how many FML posters have later died as a result of what happened in their story...

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 22 November 2012 8:01

I doubt she'll murder her sisters. She's a little 9 year old.

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Thursday 22 November 2012 14:55

Here's JOHNNY. Well since its a girl... U figure it out.

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:46

well time to get a nice new panic.room!

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:47

I guess u will have to kill her first lol

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Thursday 22 November 2012 5:11

This ain't GTA!

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Thursday 22 November 2012 6:59

YES IT IS!!!!! sobs in the corner*

herpderpherpderp 13

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Thursday 22 November 2012 11:32

marvellous idea.

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:47

That's not something a 9 year old should be joking about anyway.

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Thursday 22 November 2012 1:12

How do you know shes joking?...

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Thursday 22 November 2012 3:10

I agree, if your 9 year old is asking to kill you, you need to have a serious talk with her.

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Thursday 22 November 2012 4:06

Unless she's the seed of Chuckie O.o

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:47

No backsies!

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:48

Might wanna go to the kitchen and hide all the knives you can get a hold of. You could also go find a nice shovel or pick axe and when she comes for you with a knife, just hold up your gardening tool of choice and say, " are you sure you wanna play this game?"

wickedninja918 1

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:33

also sounds like it could happen in minecraft

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:47

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ It's all the rage don't get left behind man! The bandwagon is leaving!

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Thursday 22 November 2012 6:58

Knives probably shouldn't be in reach of a child that young anyway, especially not the "big knife"

Link5794 18

Friday 23 November 2012 1:38

How many people even own a pickaxe? I know I don't.

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:48

Well, now you know she can't be trusted with sharp objects.