Kids: Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little...

By M.SHUKRI - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

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Kids

There's no helping some people

Out of it

And today, on Dr Phil…

By myheart75 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

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Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By trackdaddy - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By MDpending - United States

Physician, heal thyself

Today, just 8 months away from graduating medical school, I successfully diagnosed myself with basal cell carcinoma. At least all that studying is paying off. FML

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By britt71411 - United States

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

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By jeoak - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

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By clostar - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

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By Hellasboy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

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By Midge - United States

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By oh no - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

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By blah! - 13/12/2020 14:01

Unionize

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

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By shamefaced - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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By not_fakingit - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML

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By anonymous - Lebanon

Today, I went on an overnight airplane flight. I wanted to be comfy so I took off my shorts, threw a blanket over myself, and slept. When the lights came back on, I ran to the bathroom before they served food. After using the bathroom, I noticed I hadn't put my shorts back on. FML

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By Meghan - 5/9/2020 08:01 - United States - New York

Breaking

Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn't know I was adopted. FML

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By jacie

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

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By dulllife - United States

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

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By Kevin - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

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By ohaifml - United States

Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML

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By "ali927truthh"

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By LonelyMe

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

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By fat - United States - Lancaster

Today, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I want to start working out and get rid of my holiday weight. His response? "Okay, just don't join a gym. People will have to see you there." FML

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By Kramer - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, a student's mother sent me an e-mail complaining that I was requiring her child to read a book containing mild profanity. She then demanded me to let him read an easier book. This would've been somewhat acceptable if the student wasn't in the 12th grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 12:01 - Australia - Carnegie

Compassionate

Today, I tried to speak to my wife about my feelings for this coming year, family and work. I thought it wouldn't be a problem as I regularly listen and support her with her feelings, emotional issues, anxiety, depression, etc. She shut me down in 30 seconds and said to stop acting like my mother and being so stupid. FML

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By Shauna - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

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By I'm stupid - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

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By Yuuucky - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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Top comments

By MrSarary | 26

#6246845 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:15

You've got the advantage now, listen to their plan and make your own!! In all seriousness this is pretty scary.

By LOLouis_fml | 24

#6246850 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:16

Sounds like a killer conversation!

COMMENTS

By organizse | 28

#6246843 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:15

Gotta love siblings.

Crazyjohnb | 23

#6246956 - Sunday 29 March 2015 20:24

he better keep his guard up.

By MrSarary | 26

#6246845 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:15

You've got the advantage now, listen to their plan and make your own!! In all seriousness this is pretty scary.

peacheso | 31

#6246902 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:40

Hostile takeover

psychopolarbear | 28

#6246985 - Sunday 29 March 2015 21:09

Am I the only one who also did something like this as a kid? My cousin and I tried to beat up our uncle with a shovel when we were about 7. Nearly worked too. It was an ambush.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6247044 - Sunday 29 March 2015 22:28

The temptation is always to go for that one knock-out swing. In reality it's better to hammer a knee and immobilize the target before taking the head shots.