Kids: Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub....

By ktiskool - 01/08/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 344

You deserved it 4 130

Kids

Live, laugh, love no one

Such a healthy environment

Home to roost

By River - 26/02/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through but saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 171

You deserved it 55 788

By Uhg - 10/03/2019 02:00

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 207

You deserved it 377

By Nearis - 16/02/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 821

You deserved it 2 758

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 551

You deserved it 2 739

By GetMeTheDamnBleach - 21/10/2014 19:46 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 497

You deserved it 32 079

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 05:42 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a girl I've been talking to on the internet for a year and a half. Turns out she edits her moustache out of all her photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 279

You deserved it 35 312

By cam96 - 15/10/2017 13:00

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 313

You deserved it 276

Insane parents

By can’t nerd right - 04/08/2020 02:02

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 338

You deserved it 191

By Sam l. - 10/11/2012 06:51 - United States

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 083

You deserved it 3 633

Genius.

By istillcannotbreathe - 17/08/2018 06:00

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 870

You deserved it 187

By FoodNeeded - 25/08/2016 02:24 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 497

You deserved it 2 037

By Anonymous - 11/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 793

You deserved it 195

Streaky

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 02:00

Today, my 3 year-old saw the stretch marks on my stomach and proudly exclaimed, "Bacon!" After talking with my husband, he admitted that he agreed with our son's evaluation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 120

Spiritual connection

By EmoToyBoy - 30/04/2020 14:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 000

You deserved it 408

By tripb101 - 22/04/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I hinted at getting it on towards my wife (it's been 2 weeks since we last did). She answered with "no I'm to tired", within 2 minutes she said, "I'm gonna go use the treadmill". She got all hot and sweaty for about 30 minutes, but it was with the treadmill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 959

You deserved it 6 065

By Anonymous - 07/08/2013 15:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 827

You deserved it 7 739

By anonymous - 30/06/2012 06:26 - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 077

You deserved it 2 506

By whateven333 - 18/02/2015 04:02 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I told my cousin that I would gladly help him through the loss of my aunt. That is until he started flirting with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 808

You deserved it 2 666

By tired individual - 12/01/2014 11:04 - United States - Dickson

Today, trying to get some much needed rest, I heard my neighbors fighting loudly. When they finally quit, they left a DVD on, directly behind my wall: Spongebob, with the menu tune on loop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 135

You deserved it 3 853

The best time of your life

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 20:01

Today, the girl I've been flirting with for a few weeks invited me to a house party. I gradually found out that she's been talking to my good buddy, they've been dating, actually they've been banging the whole time. And now she's in a bikini bouncing on his lap as we play Cards Against Humanity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 185

By iusedprotectionanyway - 21/03/2014 21:44 - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 043

You deserved it 3 488

By computerguy - 22/01/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 587

You deserved it 4 222

The eye of the beholder

By Alexea Luton - 11/11/2019 01:00

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 296

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 195

You deserved it 4 209

By Forded - 01/09/2010 23:11 - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 843

You deserved it 3 666

By aaaaahhhh - 06/04/2013 08:51 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 767

You deserved it 7 506

By BrokeInLove - 30/06/2009 19:55 - France

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 186

You deserved it 51 940

By Tee - 10/11/2009 02:20 - Australia

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 982

You deserved it 5 405

By Anonymous - 04/02/2014 18:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, as I came home from school, I saw a little rock in the road. I kicked it, intending to send it sailing into the bushes in front of my house. It went wide and sailed straight into a window instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 454

You deserved it 16 720

In the dark

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 20:02 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, since I've been falling for the girl I've been sleeping with for the past couple of months, I decided it was time for us to talk about making things official and exclusive. I was confident she'd feel the same way. Then I found out she's an escort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 976

Trip Advisor says no

By crazycatwaiter - 22/06/2020 23:06

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 217

Smooth talker

By pixie - 17/02/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 719

You deserved it 13 721

How does she know?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 08:00

Today, my future mother-in-law freaked out my very religious fiancé by telling him fornication is gonna send him to hell, because when I was with them in January we had sex every day for a month and she's still mad about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 321

Break up

By natrat222 - 26/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 573

You deserved it 1 057

By Chels - 24/05/2019 04:00

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 520

Make plans, Mom laughs

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 16:00

Today, as I can’t afford a “real” vacation, I’m trying to get my car converted for camping in time for what promises to be perfect weather next week. Meanwhile, my mom booked a trip to Switzerland. For next week. Guess who gets to stay home and feed the animals? FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 110

Ouch, ouch, ouch

By Teh_Moo_fml - 13/03/2021 00:30

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 101

By Chiiii - 15/11/2017 01:30

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 242

You deserved it 287

By Mintspice - 19/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I had cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6 month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three pay-checks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 968

You deserved it 594

By thedeadone - 15/07/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 322

You deserved it 194

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:56

Wait until she wants the room all to herself . . . mwah-hah-hah! Whatever you do, don't lend her your knife.

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:03

She needs to switch to decaf. Or just change her from zombie movies to Sesame Street.

MateRicks 18

Thursday 1 August 2013 12:50

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LondonMunich 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:56

When she turns out to be a killer psychopath, I hope you feel wrong

MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:57

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LondonMunich 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:58

Oh no, I was really fucked up, I am serving life in prison

MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:59

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LondonMunich 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:00

I get a window of an hour per day to use FML

MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:02

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MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:05

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MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:06

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LondonMunich 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:07

Mobility badge? I am frequently transported between prisons as no one place can contain my absurd humour and silly antics

Welshite 39

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:07

*hands key to motel room* Make it quick, you two. I use that room as a temporary drug house.

MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:09

Very funny... Just kidding

LondonMunich 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:11

That brings a whole new meaning to 'get a room.'

Zynris 10

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:53

Private messages were invented for a reason

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 1 August 2013 14:33

*loads gun* *aims gun at LondonMunich and MateRicks* GET OUT. NOW. *waits for them to run*

mif_fml 27

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Thursday 1 August 2013 15:41

You forgot *BANG* *BANG* There we go.

TheCanucklehead 22

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Thursday 1 August 2013 19:00

This is the shittiest stretch of comments ever. One cat-lady (man) doesn't understand the other one isn't actually in jail. Probably why he accepts the drowning thing. The other one is just as bad. Not even Doc could perform surgery well enough to save this thread of garbage

Cheeley 17

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Thursday 1 August 2013 22:59

I may have made my toys do battle when I was little, but I never drowned them.

\ 28

Friday 2 August 2013 9:32

This is behavior I'd keep an eye on. It could evolve into something worse

LOVELIVELAUG 4

Thursday 1 August 2013 12:52

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Queensland 27

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:57

You don't know anything about these people! It'd be safe to say she didn't teach that because she wouldn't have a reason to write this. Wow, common sense is rare.

Cleu 12

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:44

#6 you just found out why world peace am still a long way away.

SolarFlare 20

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Thursday 1 August 2013 14:40

nice work #32... besides, Jimi Hendrix (greatest rock musician ever lived and musical genius) said: the world will know peace when the power of love overcomes the love of power. THAT is the reason we dont have world peace.

kee_breezy32 34

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Thursday 1 August 2013 20:03

#6, amen!

Obey_StudBoii 23

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Friday 2 August 2013 1:29

#2 RELAX! Chill out

tgabes 9

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Saturday 3 August 2013 12:42

Oh god shut up

ShoyuSauceSoup 26

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:54

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NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Thursday 1 August 2013 18:48

I couldn't talk until I was three..

hiddenUSERNAME 27

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Thursday 1 August 2013 19:22

how's that even relevant

Cazz91 21

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Friday 2 August 2013 7:29

That's how everything starts out for a criminal in the making. Next thing you know, she will start torturing animals before killing them then upgrade to mankind later on in life, obviously. :P In all seriousness now, I would just monitor her behavior for now to determine if she needs to see a head doctor or not. I agree that it's probably just a phase with her toys though... hopefully.

Diegoba12 16

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Sunday 4 August 2013 17:24

Head doctor? xD you mean psychologist or to therapy or something like that right?

perdix 29

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:56

Wait until she wants the room all to herself . . . mwah-hah-hah! Whatever you do, don't lend her your knife.

MateRicks 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:58

Haha great reference

thatnucca 36

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:22

And I hope OP doesn't also have any zits around her earlobes...

fallslikedominos 10

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Thursday 1 August 2013 18:43

. .what?

mete_orito 34

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Thursday 1 August 2013 19:31

Oh man, this comment made my day lol

darkfireflame 15

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Thursday 12 September 2013 18:36

I see what you did there.

150493x 29

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Thursday 1 August 2013 12:57

I hope she isn't pretending those toys are you. I'd sleep with one eye open.

Enslaved 36

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Thursday 1 August 2013 15:34

"Gripping your pillow tight. Exit light Enter night"

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:03

She needs to switch to decaf. Or just change her from zombie movies to Sesame Street.

kunlunkid 3

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:04

Tell her she's part of a "ghost family" and encourage her to walk through a closed glass door to prove it. Problem solved!

Ari1337 15

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Thursday 1 August 2013 17:26

and when she walks out unscathed, we call the priest right?

BradTheBrony 19

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Thursday 1 August 2013 22:44

Priest? Fuck no, we need a NINJA priest. Not sure those exist, so somebody train Father Rodriguez in Ninjutsu.

trbuson 11

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Friday 2 August 2013 1:23

Who are you going to call? Ghostbusters!

Damned_Architect 25

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:05

OP's sister is quite articulate for a 3 year old, too bad that talent is being used for evil.

Wakachulak 22

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:05

Relax OP, all children are evil

Kruiser 16

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Thursday 1 August 2013 17:53

Oh geez yah now I can relax.. Far better that all children are demons instead of just one :0

dramaelf 37

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:07

If everyone knew the twisted stuff that goes on in preschoolers' heads they'd be legitimately terrified.

nattynatters 14

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:34

Exactly. I used to quote one of Scars lines from Lion King with my toys, "You will never see the light of day again." I was a weird kid.

VeganVampyre 26

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Thursday 1 August 2013 13:43

No kidding... I was watching my 5 and 3 year old sisters play house one day. The five year old was mommy and she was taking care of her little girl. It was cute until mommy had to go to work... And put the 3 year old in a corner, saying "you have to stay in jail now until I say you can come out!" Then she piled a barrier of toys around the corner so she was actually trapped in. That was when I got a bit scared and left the room.