Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML
Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML
Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML
Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML
Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML
Today, I decided to scare my 10 year old sister for fun. I hid behind a door and leapt out, shouting "Boo!" when she walked by. She burst into tears and ran screaming to my mom. My mom thought I'd hit my sister, and was so angry that she punched me in the eye. FML
Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML
Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML
Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML
Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML
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Top comments
bellakaykid 6
******* hide. Like now. O_O
Attica 20
Probably shouldn't promise what you can't deliver, next time... If there IS a next time.
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Comments (108)
guitarbeast 22
Get her first!!!
Attica 20
Hide all the sharp, pointy objects, and don't eat any food or drinks she handles. There's Draino in that orange juice!
Haven74 6
**choke** "Corn nuts!" **crash**
LolPieRofl 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Thats not knife, you need to kill whats wrong with her, i incision that u do it quick before something happens.
KiddNYC1O 22
That didn't land. Better engage auto-pilot.
wickedninja918 1
no just no
Ally156 5
So you're a walking dead man
thenamestaco171 2
"She's still cleaning now." Please re-read the FML.
CharresBarkrey 16
I think 20 means "dead man walking."
thenamestaco171 2
138-doesn't change much.
Link5794 18
Yes, it does. The expression refers to a person who is going to be killed soon.
thenamestaco171 2
159-oooooooooohhh that makes more sense. Thanks! ^_^
mildzf 0
RUN!!!
MindFreakazoid 10
Lucius. Lucius the girl.
FlyingPie 17
It sounds like she's pretty sharp. You should try to get a handle on her though.
pheebs314 17
You should never make a deal you aren't prepared to keep... But seriously, that's messed up.
maemadness 2
Aww, kids
samasara 20
sleep with your eyes open.