Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering...

By sampaloompy - 8/1/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Headache

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By shelookslikemiley - 23/9/2014 12:48 - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

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By Patrick - 23/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking, I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

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By Hungryman - 15/1/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 10:14 - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

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By habbsrule - 15/6/2012 14:21 - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 14:35 - United States

Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad has been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML

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By mylifeisahell - 18/2/2010 15:01 - Norway

Today, I found garbage in my postbox. In amongst the garbage, I found a note saying ''This is all you ever will get. Stay away from me!'', from the girl I sent a love poem to the other day. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By asdffhhjk - 15/5/2013 08:08 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML

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By thenotsomanlyman - 7/3/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 05:06 - United States

Today, I drove my new car with a manual transmission for the first time by myself. I was at a stoplight and saw a cute guy in the car next to me. He looked my way and gave me "the nod". The light turned green and I tried to go but I stalled out, lurching my car forward right into the car next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 06:57 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

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By marcy_89 - 23/7/2019 16:01

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By Stacy - 13/7/2013 04:22 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML

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By sorrydad - 13/12/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was "parent-appropriate." Apparently we didn't notice the S and M catalog in the pile on our coffee table... but his mom sure did. FML

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By AngryBirdman - 22/4/2011 05:53

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 15:30 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By ColoredPencil13 - 10/5/2014 13:35 - United States - Baytown

Today, my mom made a Facebook post about me starting my period and for everyone to be nice to me. FML

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By MysticSoup - 21/4/2019 22:00 - United States - Carthage

Today, I asked my doctor out on a date. He had his nurse turn me down. FML

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By fucking pissants - 13/7/2012 19:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I sold yet another £100 bottle of lotion to a stuck-up teenage fashionista with less brain-power than the yapping bastard of a dog she carried in her arms. She did nothing but brag the whole time about her jewelry, and openly mocked me for only making minimum wage. FML

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By Mike - 21/2/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By poppet2010 - 17/1/2010 15:58 - France

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

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By loserman - 29/4/2014 22:40 - United States - Frisco

Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she's been sleeping with him. FML

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By eatmyshipoopie - 18/12/2009 15:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

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By mapleleafs34 - 17/1/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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By It's a foot long - 3/9/2018 03:30

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

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By leem - 27/8/2014 21:21 - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

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By PISSED - 7/11/2009 11:58 - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, "stop talking to that whore." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

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By unbirthday - 18/7/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

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By sheryl_m - 9/4/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

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By Kellie - 31/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

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By fatass - 19/2/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

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By poormanslucyliu1 - 7/11/2016 02:28

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 23:08

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By ohdang - 12/8/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

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Top comments

By huanita | 0

#426 - Friday 6 February 2009 23:41

me too. always.

By purpledino14 | 4

#46667 - Saturday 21 March 2009 3:47

Haha don't we all?

COMMENTS

By huanita | 0

#426 - Friday 6 February 2009 23:41

me too. always.

Darraghscoot | 0

#905614 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 0:34

hahaha

JGrevious | 0

#930986 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 3:21

true.

FrannyPackIt | 0

#961296 - Thursday 18 March 2010 7:10

I was literally just about to write one about the same exact thing. at least i know I have an fml buddy:D

rawrkittehpwnage | 0

#1250681 - Monday 16 August 2010 7:35

same as #1, yay for bad lives

FML_angela | 0

#1307280 - Friday 27 August 2010 8:25

same

rock999 | 0

#2603523 - Thursday 2 June 2011 4:14

same

methatguy | 0

#3679713 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:04

First world problems...

Sansa_fml | 38

#6281761 - Monday 4 May 2015 23:57

That's 99% of the fml readers. :)

By FuckMattsLife | 0

#491 - Saturday 7 February 2009 13:15

That's how I found this site in the first place~!

By Wi5p | 0

#7560 - Thursday 26 February 2009 5:08

Ha! I feel the same way. :D

lhoavtee | 3

#2178035 - Monday 14 March 2011 2:35

I know how you feel

By Big_Pick | 0

#15101 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:11

Schadenfreude eh? I'm a fan.

By BurnBabyyBurn | 0

#40563 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 19:08

I stayed home from school, read this site all day, and still say FML.
hahaha(=

By purpledino14 | 4

#46667 - Saturday 21 March 2009 3:47

Haha don't we all?

greendaygirl999 | 5

#1100546 - Saturday 17 July 2010 6:31

Exactly haha.

By lexxi_fml | 0

#53466 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:18

I agree.

By Sgt_Pepper | 0

#54823 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 8:02

saaaame here!

By knitbitch | 0

#56263 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 23:59

me too.

By Switzy_fml | 0

#59086 - Thursday 26 March 2009 3:19

Schadenfreude: German for happiness at the misfortune of others. Love that word!