Miscellaneous: Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering...

By sampaloompy - United States

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

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Miscellaneous

Like the beginning of a porno

Extreme cooking

Mr Sensitivity

By kismet_fire - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34737

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

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35881

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By Noname - United States

Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41709

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By WakeUpToADream - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26186

You deserved it

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41599

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By GreatAim - United States

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By camerashyguy - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 11:02

The sweet smell of success

Today, my dad decided to make home-made popcorn. He accidentally used old fish oil instead of mazola oil. Now the house reeks of fish and we can't even throw the popcorn out for fear of attracting wild animals. FML

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831

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By Mad Munki

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

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4772

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

The customer is always an ass

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Bucks9 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, I found out my husband pretends to be a young, bisexual woman online. As if that isn't bad enough, he flipped out and didn't believe me when I told him the other "young, bisexual women" he's been beating it to are probably middle-aged men too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22238

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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By ozozl - United States - Evergreen

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By CorCelesti - United States

Today, I got married. My father saw this as a good time to give some solemn, heartfelt advice to my new husband: "That ring gets real heavy fast." I was standing right there. So was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46771

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By Bob - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45667

You deserved it

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By hairy - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

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40313

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By Sheila Deville

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1248

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By Jayne - United States

Today, my professor called me out in the middle of a lecture to ask why I was bleeding. I then had to explain to him, in front of around one hundred of my fellow classmates, that my largest zit had burst. FML

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28210

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By J……… - 16/10/2020 02:02

Dog whisperer

Today, my new dog broke out of his new crate, ate my door, pissed on the floor, and trashed my room. I got him to help with my anxiety, but all he does is give me more anxiety. The worst part is that I adopted him as a favor to a friend, because she couldn’t handle him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

675

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By Anonymous

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

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39980

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By Cerezo - Guatemala

Today, as I woke up early to do my physics homework, I heard my parents talk about how big a disappointment I am for them. They discussed how stupid, immature and how big a burden I was. They knew I was listening. FML

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39849

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By inthesticks - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

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7520

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By yosmurf

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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5517

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By wildthing - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75367

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Sintra

Today, while on the bus, an elderly man fell asleep on my shoulder. He looked sweet, so I didn't push him off. A few minutes later, the bus jolted and his head slipped down into my breasts. I'm pretty sure you don't smile like that when you're really asleep. FML

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42938

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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20095

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By oneillrox - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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32760

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By geli

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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13689

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24378

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Naples

Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38810

You deserved it

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By duhasiangirl - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22241

You deserved it

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By bewitched and bothered - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

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36399

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By handymandy - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30938

You deserved it

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By wrestling probs - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29679

You deserved it

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By legit247 - United States - Moscow Mills

The Voice

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

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Top comments

By huanita | 0

#426 - Friday 6 February 2009 23:41

me too. always.

By purpledino14 | 4

#46667 - Saturday 21 March 2009 3:47

Haha don't we all?

COMMENTS

By huanita | 0

#426 - Friday 6 February 2009 23:41

me too. always.

Darraghscoot | 0

#905614 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 0:34

hahaha

JGrevious | 0

#930986 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 3:21

true.

FrannyPackIt | 0

#961296 - Thursday 18 March 2010 7:10

I was literally just about to write one about the same exact thing. at least i know I have an fml buddy:D

rawrkittehpwnage | 0

#1250681 - Monday 16 August 2010 7:35

same as #1, yay for bad lives

FML_angela | 0

#1307280 - Friday 27 August 2010 8:25

same

rock999 | 0

#2603523 - Thursday 2 June 2011 4:14

same

methatguy | 0

#3679713 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:04

First world problems...

Sansa_fml | 38

#6281761 - Monday 4 May 2015 23:57

That's 99% of the fml readers. :)

By FuckMattsLife | 0

#491 - Saturday 7 February 2009 13:15

That's how I found this site in the first place~!

By Wi5p | 0

#7560 - Thursday 26 February 2009 5:08

Ha! I feel the same way. :D

lhoavtee | 3

#2178035 - Monday 14 March 2011 2:35

I know how you feel

By Big_Pick | 0

#15101 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:11

Schadenfreude eh? I'm a fan.

By BurnBabyyBurn | 0

#40563 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 19:08

I stayed home from school, read this site all day, and still say FML.
hahaha(=

By purpledino14 | 4

#46667 - Saturday 21 March 2009 3:47

Haha don't we all?

greendaygirl999 | 5

#1100546 - Saturday 17 July 2010 6:31

Exactly haha.

By lexxi_fml | 0

#53466 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:18

I agree.

By Sgt_Pepper | 0

#54823 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 8:02

saaaame here!

By knitbitch | 0

#56263 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 23:59

me too.

By Switzy_fml | 0

#59086 - Thursday 26 March 2009 3:19

Schadenfreude: German for happiness at the misfortune of others. Love that word!