Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center....

By MJjunior - 31/8/2011 16:04 - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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Kids

Understandable

Does it taste good?

Car Wars

By ohlordhelpmenow - 15/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

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By crap - 19/6/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML

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By skmusic - 9/4/2009 05:04 - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2017 00:00 - United States

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

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By soo - 2/7/2015 20:25

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

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By zamwow - 20/12/2013 23:36 - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

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By well then - 30/5/2015 05:40 - United States - Forest Park

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, after years of waiting, my mom and I finally received a check from Child Support Services. Excited, I opened it up to find a check from my dad, written out for 45 cents. Which pays for maybe half a loaf of bread. FML

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By Michelle - 17/10/2013 11:51 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

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By Chat - 4/3/2018 19:00

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

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By Mal2222 - 12/2/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 03:04

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 14:45 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By pauper - 9/2/2012 01:20

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

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By freakofnature - 31/3/2012 16:17 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I visited my new doctor, hoping that he would be able to figure out the cause of the pains I've been having for years. He told me there's nothing he can do, that half the drugs out there cause cancer anyway and that I should look into homeopathy. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 01:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

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By ncjarhead - 24/4/2010 23:38 - United States

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

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By Insomnia - 16/2/2019 00:00

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By Anonymoose - 8/9/2015 19:12 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

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By Thatgirl112 - 8/9/2016 03:59 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

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By SwinginSolo - 26/3/2013 12:07 - United States

Today, I found out that what my husband meant by "we should try swinging" is "I really want to have sex with this one friend of yours, and if you so much as make eye contact with any guy I'm going to totally flip out and threaten to kill him and you." FML

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By aqua88 - 5/11/2009 15:26 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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By GROSS - 7/3/2015 15:58 - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By joolsie - 28/2/2010 02:03 - United Kingdom

Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders due to my irrational phobia, I decided to try and desensitise myself by googling 'house spiders'. I can't stop the feeling of something crawling over every inch of my body, but at least I now know they can live up to six years. FML

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By olalala2382 - 2/4/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, as I worked the drive-through at Wendy's, the hottest girl from my math class pulled up to the window. As I handed her the drink, I asked her what she thought of our math test today. She screamed "How did you know I had a math test, you creep!", threw the drink at me, and drove off. FML

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By monquiqui - 4/7/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Haitwun - 8/12/2014 02:18 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

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By dripping sink - 30/12/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to go out when I noticed that after several months of annoyance, the faucet stopped dripping. I started to dance around my bathroom when all of a sudden I slipped and hit my head on the sink. The faucet is dripping again. FML

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By yeah why not - 6/4/2013 17:06 - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, after lunch with my frail, disabled, 87-year-old father, I reached into my purse for lipstick. I didn't recognize the cute cylinder I pulled out, but thinking it was a flashlight, I pressed the little button, spraying my dad and myself in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By nosonofmine - 23/6/2012 17:43 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, my son and I attended the funeral of a family friend. It went as well as any funeral could, up until the point that my apparently drunk son tried to grope the widow. I came an inch away from causing my son to need his own funeral. FML

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By Brandon Butler - 4/3/2011 09:22

Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By danii - 5/10/2011 03:28 - Reserved

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

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By KL - 5/6/2009 19:46 - Canada

Today, I was at a club with a friend. A cute guy kept smiling and looking over at me. He left his seat and went to the bar and brought back two drinks. He waved me over and then said, "Can you tell your hot friend that I bought her a drink?" FML

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By hopelessteej - 28/1/2013 13:55 - Australia - Sydney

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

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By placard3 - 2/10/2019 20:02

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

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By really? - 1/9/2015 19:43 - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

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Top comments

By SwaggerMelon | 6

#3213887 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Did you give it back?

By Snapple95 | 10

#3213889 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Poor kid .

COMMENTS

By firelight619 | 0

#3213882 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:09

Wow 0.o

Keyman1212 | 14

#3213928 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:13

Oh shit... Wonder if Micheal Jackson's kids would play that game... In your defense however, you didn't know.

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3214024 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:22

the golden rule: keep your hands to yourself! this wouldn't have happened if you did, creeper. lol :(

LuHGiiiT | 11

#3214049 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:25

...But everyone nose about Johnny's birth abnormality..?

iTrevor | 5

#3214051 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:25

That stinks..

UMad_Bro | 3

#3214247 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:59

35 Haha I see what you did there.

AnwarK95 | 1

#3214745 - Thursday 1 September 2011 0:48

Did anyone realize the username of OP? hahaha good one

Friaza | 29

#3214785 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:06

-31

Not everybody is a rapist.

poostool | 5

#3215198 - Thursday 1 September 2011 7:05

Kid deserved it for losing his nose.

Merylwen | 24

#3215913 - Thursday 1 September 2011 12:10

That poor child is going to have a horrible life... Other kids will make fun of him at school, and I bet that won't even stop when he's an adult.

Light_Star | 4

#3216264 - Thursday 1 September 2011 17:32

That was a bit...NOSY!

ducttapewallet | 7

#3217352 - Thursday 1 September 2011 21:05

Ever read the book Thinner by Stephen King? That gypsy had no nose. Just sayin'.

emeraldchicky | 0

#3220918 - Friday 2 September 2011 6:09

HAHAHA! No.

Klums02 | 0

#3220932 - Friday 2 September 2011 6:10

That is a one in a million chance right there...

Hearon20 | 0

#3226424 - Saturday 3 September 2011 6:26

Oh nose! That would suck.

JustOhSoLovely | 6

#3228460 - Saturday 3 September 2011 16:55

0.o what are the chances of that happening...

JustOhSoLovely | 6

#3228463 - Saturday 3 September 2011 16:55

0.o what are the chances of that happening...

upyourzlolz | 11

#3244408 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:57

Why is voldemort at a daycare?

By SwaggerMelon | 6

#3213887 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Did you give it back?

supertacowaffle | 41

#3231660 - Sunday 4 September 2011 3:45

STAND BACK HE'S GOT A NOSE!

colby6666 | 42

#5909588 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:09

Ah, asdf movie references

By Snapple95 | 10

#3213889 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Poor kid .

WCARlover | 34

#3214201 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:48

Yeah, the kid must have been mortified!

sxe_beast | 11

#3214542 - Thursday 1 September 2011 0:04

Dude, the OP must be mortified! Holy fuck! I would literally shit myself if that happened! OMFG. Or faint... O.O

pinkbabypuff1 | 0

#4976454 - Thursday 27 September 2012 2:42

OP must feel so bad! Poor kid:(

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3213894 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Wow.......i dont have anything clever to say just....WOW o.O

FlurffyPupQueen | 7

#3220518 - Friday 2 September 2011 4:56

Oh the irony

By ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3213897 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

LedZeppelin1109 | 0

#3215414 - Thursday 1 September 2011 8:32

Oh cut the sentimental bullshit people, this comment is funny and you know it.

deaper | 15

#3216400 - Thursday 1 September 2011 17:58

Hell yeah it's funny as shit!

oneleggedbeauty | 0

#3216504 - Thursday 1 September 2011 18:22

You sir are a dick

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3217725 - Thursday 1 September 2011 22:33

I know I'm horrible person.... and I could see "onelegged" in your username. I hit a touchy area?

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3220395 - Friday 2 September 2011 4:31

Add an a between I'm and horrible. Oops

GwarKitty | 5

#3220539 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:01

5. Boom this comment is awesome.

fl0ffy | 0

#3220797 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:49

134-do u really have one leg??and I agree with u

reptileguy1296 | 0

#3221428 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:28

People who thumbed this down, humor is sometimes cynical. That doesn't mean they meant the joke seriously.

BbqKirbyAnn | 0

#3221991 - Friday 2 September 2011 10:05

Rofl thats the funniest thing I've read all day. Pat yourself on the back for that snappy comment

SadinSherman | 16

#3222793 - Friday 2 September 2011 14:35

177-It goes to far though

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3224400 - Friday 2 September 2011 22:17

Haha I know I went too far. Oh well if I offended you I'm sorry

ChineseCookie | 0

#3730020 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 13:30

This is funny shit give me dislikes not him

childproofpizza | 19

#7451232 - Monday 8 May 2017 18:48

I guess she doesn't have a leg to stand on

By Melissa92_fml | 13

#3213903 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

The day care centre didn't warn you in advance? Then I guess it's a 'fyl' moment because you couldn't have known.

By redtigerlily | 5

#3213911 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:12

Well it must be a pretty convincing prosthetic. Lucky kid.

aruam365 | 24

#3215307 - Thursday 1 September 2011 8:20

They can make really realistic prosthetics these days but, op there really is no way to recover from that...

XxHoPPoxX | 8

#3222507 - Friday 2 September 2011 13:08

whats lucky bout bein noseless besides being able to greet ladies with the swift removal of your nose

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3223513 - Friday 2 September 2011 17:35

It could be a really cool party trick when the kid gets older.

By iTrevor | 5

#3213915 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:12

Michael Jackson's son?

tromboneboy | 2

#3220523 - Friday 2 September 2011 4:57

Thad horrible but hillarious I'm an awful person

JustTemporary | 24

#3221142 - Friday 2 September 2011 6:57

haha that's funny.

AnthonyN | 5

#3223022 - Friday 2 September 2011 15:50

lmfao

EffYourLifeBench | 0

#3415916 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 2:48

Lmaoo I KNEW somebody was gonna say that... I just didn't wAnna be the one to d do it....RIP MJ

RandomAndCrazy | 11

#5942348 - Monday 12 May 2014 13:04

What about voldermart..

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3213923 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:13

isn't this why teachers working at daycare centers saying "keep your hands to yourselves" ? /:
tsk, tsk, tsk; you kinda deserved it . poor kid .

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3214072 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:29

How did he deserve it? He didn't know.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3214440 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:48

Because every stupid person expect people to know everything about everyone! That's why he thinks OP deserved it.

Pendragon525 | 0

#3215006 - Thursday 1 September 2011 4:11

This guy works with these children at a day care center. You'd better believe he needs to know about the special needs kids in his care, and he needs to know BEFORE he begins to work with them! It could be disasterous otherwise.