Love: Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same...

31/08/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 613

You deserved it 5 708

Love

Walk on the wild side

Creepy idea, dude

Fuck the patriarchy

06/09/2016 11:01 - United States

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 276

You deserved it 7 417

02/07/2015 19:16 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my parents I'm pregnant. I got a long lecture from my mom about using protection. It would have been fine hearing all that, but I'm turning 22, I've been moved out for a few years, have a full time job with great benefits, and am getting married next summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 439

You deserved it 4 435

22/11/2009 17:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 232

You deserved it 3 907

13/04/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 206

You deserved it 12 084

25/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 854

You deserved it 127

12/10/2013 13:19 - United States - Mason

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 298

You deserved it 4 973

05/03/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I realized I'd rather be constipated, sick, sit in long traffic lines and inadvertantly eat spoiled meat than spend another day at my shitty job. All things that happened to me today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 914

You deserved it 2 806

22/03/2014 22:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 477

You deserved it 6 125

10/01/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 288

You deserved it 1 866

03/04/2012 00:32 - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 586

You deserved it 2 052

13/06/2012 18:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 588

You deserved it 3 607

30/08/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 849

You deserved it 877

13/02/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I was once again escorted out of a supermarket by a police officer. I must be the only 83-year-old who still has his marbles, but people always assume I am senile and wandering from a care center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 458

You deserved it 255

Learning curve

By Anonymous - 16/08/2017 16:00

Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 972

You deserved it 458

23/01/2012 22:33 - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 644

You deserved it 3 128

11/06/2016 03:27 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 283

You deserved it 1 234

11/10/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 662

You deserved it 3 681

26/11/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 484

You deserved it 3 339

16/03/2016 12:01 - United States - East Lansing

Today, my 2-year-old daughter started showing signs of understanding the potty training concept. She announced to my mother-in-law that she needed to go potty, only to be flatly told, "No, you don't." So she crapped herself. Now it's going to take forever to train her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 019

You deserved it 1 271

08/04/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 390

You deserved it 12 525

21/03/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 298

You deserved it 53 111

05/01/2015 04:30

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 710

You deserved it 4 915

09/05/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 376

You deserved it 7 223

12/01/2017 17:09

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 353

You deserved it 750

28/07/2013 16:23 - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 574

You deserved it 3 561

29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 650

You deserved it 9 086

14/10/2015 14:29 - United States - Atwater

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 581

You deserved it 3 084

28/06/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 289

You deserved it 5 590

09/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 714

You deserved it 6 088

28/11/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 233

You deserved it 9 441

Another fine mess

By MikeMoosey - 30/12/2008 18:00 - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 501

You deserved it 25 277

24/05/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 757

You deserved it 4 813

Barf

By rawr_ily96 - 24/05/2020 08:00 - United States

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 192

25/08/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 123

22/12/2014 16:27 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 093

You deserved it 25 903

10/12/2009 19:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from my girlfriend of 13 months. She told me that she had gotten chlamydia from the guy she cheated on me with, and that I most likely have it too. I gave her a diamond ring, she gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 686

You deserved it 2 956

05/12/2012 23:27 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 499

You deserved it 1 826

22/10/2016 04:32

Today, my boyfriend of nearly six months broke up with me. Over text. In a group chat. With the new girl he wanted to date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 427

You deserved it 727

01/08/2012 05:44 - Canada - Baden

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 762

You deserved it 3 272

10/06/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 775

You deserved it 3 221

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Top comments

trollsemen 8

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

IAmNotAnAnimal 9

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

trollsemen 8

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

Keyman1212 14

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

Well you're married to her, so she must like you...

KiddNYC1O 20

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:14

The wife's the mammoth.

LuHGiiiT 11

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:17

17 - Because that's not at all what #1 implied.. Thanks for making that clear =)

LiveLaughFML 10

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

you should have responded with "well, you married this sloth."

iTrevor 5

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:23

Hope she's into bestiality..

flockz 19

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:31

how about smell? Si smells like shit. How bout you?

KiddNYC1O 20

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

21- It could go both ways really. Number 1 may have further tried to ridicule op.

Neopets_dot_com 0

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

I hope your brain isn't compared to Sid. That would really be insulting.

Iamnotmyself 17

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:16

Dude, give me your number, I have a fetish for Sid and well... WILL YOU MARRY ME?

fthislyfe 22

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Thursday 1 September 2011 0:24

Sid is super cute! Be happy

FarSide 22

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Thursday 1 September 2011 1:50

No disrespect to you OP, but it does not say much about the bitch's judgment of others if she married you.

chuckychan 8

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Thursday 1 September 2011 5:47

do you always cry out of your pussy?

Bizenghastly 0

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Thursday 1 September 2011 8:08

I don't see why he's complaining if she says he has big feet ;)

Bradderz 2

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Thursday 1 September 2011 11:09

Errrrr.....Manny?!?! HELP!!!!

changesinme 0

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Thursday 1 September 2011 11:37

it could be worst, she could have compared you to a sparkling possibly homosexual vampire eh?

Iheartfunny 1

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Thursday 1 September 2011 23:46

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Iheartfunny 1

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Thursday 1 September 2011 23:47

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Kuqito 0

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Friday 2 September 2011 8:06

Damn op your one ugly ass dude

WeemanIsBack 3

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Saturday 3 September 2011 11:43

Well you know what they say about big feet ;(

jazyyy16 3

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 6:18

lmao a kid in my school looks like Sid too!

lastsinglepanda 16

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

imjuicygossip 0

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:21

Agreed...

dmeloccaro 5

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Thursday 1 September 2011 4:12

I concur.

uffiewuffie 0

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Thursday 1 September 2011 21:10

You're never too old for a little Ice Age.

starrysky4 0

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Friday 2 September 2011 8:49

I LOVE SID. Jesus people, put sloths on the map.

ImFrackinBored 13

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Saturday 3 September 2011 1:01

More stimulating than a frickin squirrel nearly dying over and over to get a nut? Impossible.

uffiewuffie 0

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Saturday 3 September 2011 21:02

Sid isn't the squirrel. It's the sloth. Idiot.

chattysoul890 18

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

maybe you should compare her to one of the mammoths! first!

KiddNYC1O 20

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

That "first" sent your potentially fair comment to shit.

liquidSELECT 0

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:14

I think it's funny. Sid isn't morbidly obese, you know.

jibz83 2

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Thursday 1 September 2011 2:11

Yes, because the only time you should watch your weight is when your MORBIDLY obese...

IAmNotAnAnimal 9

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

jennaleigh 0

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Thursday 1 September 2011 10:51

Ahahah I lol'd

starrysky4 0

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Friday 2 September 2011 8:52

I don't like this cat. He reads minds.

Bloodlvst 9

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Is your wife a bitchy tyrannosaurus rex?

WCARlover 34

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:28

Maw she's the mammoth

WCARlover 34

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:29

Naw* Friggin iPod

kablooey_01 3

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

what exactly do you look like? it all sounds very disproportionate

MichellinMan 20

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Buy do you have the lisp? You can't be compared to him if you don't have the lisp

MichellinMan 20

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:16

*but

badandevil 0

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

I dont see the problem, I thought Sid was also the most funny right?

overthelimit 3

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Thursday 1 September 2011 1:53

Sid's adorable! :D chill, OP.

twitch851 9

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:13

Yeah but sid the sloth is a sexy sloth

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 12

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 420

Learning curve

Another fine mess

Barf

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