Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same...

By faceless_sailor8 - 31/8/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29569

You deserved it

5700

Favorite

Love

Out of it

All for nothing

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By kat - 28/11/2018 15:30

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of 2 and I needed food and some extra cash so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone and ran off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3018

You deserved it

657

Favorite

By SLOMan90 - 26/1/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

I agree, your life sucks

33241

You deserved it

3750

Favorite

By noname - 27/4/2012 12:04 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29082

You deserved it

4446

Favorite

By fuq - 22/5/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25753

You deserved it

2696

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 11:18 - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26764

You deserved it

3210

Favorite

By maybe dead in a day - 20/1/2013 19:28 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40758

You deserved it

4219

Favorite

By Silver_Samurai - 9/2/2012 03:24 - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25618

You deserved it

10462

Favorite

By HauntLife - 21/9/2017 20:00

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2432

You deserved it

196

Favorite

By Frostbitten - 27/2/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49067

You deserved it

6073

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44843

You deserved it

4184

Favorite

By ddriver100 - 5/6/2019 18:00

Today, I picked up some of my friends from a bar downtown. They were pretty drunk and were yelling stupid things at people walking by. After stopping to let a fat guy cross the street, they yelled, "Hurry up fatty!" He responded by throwing his milkshake at my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1514

You deserved it

758

Favorite

By nipman - 25/4/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41080

You deserved it

3838

Favorite

By BadMurderer - 31/7/2009 04:01 - Mexico

Today, my little 7 and 6 year old cousins came visit my family home. I heard the oldest one say that my sister was nice and pretty. Then the youngest replied "Yeah, but the older one has the face of a murderer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45872

You deserved it

3843

Favorite

By Anna - 2/12/2012 08:03 - United States - Monroe

Today, my guy friend kept complaining that no one had asked him to the dance, so he probably wasn't going to go. I suggested that we go together. He laughed until his face was bright red and said, "I don't think I'll ever get that desperate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34862

You deserved it

2627

Favorite

By welp - 28/10/2015 04:11 - United States - Belton

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26614

You deserved it

3580

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 19:00 - United States - Portland

Treat your pets properly!

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1770

You deserved it

148

Favorite

By German;) - 19/9/2019 04:00

Street art

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1271

You deserved it

200

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/4/2011 03:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was putting red nail polish on my nails and put a newspaper on the table to make sure that it didn't spill. I later discovered the nail polish made the newspaper stick to the table. I scrubbed nail polish remover on it, thinking it would help but instead bleached the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13982

You deserved it

40240

Favorite

By Juliett - 29/8/2019 19:00 - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1672

You deserved it

266

Favorite

By weedvocate - 25/3/2020 14:02

All in the Family

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1647

You deserved it

123

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 02:46 - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48069

You deserved it

5485

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 17:02

Loss

Today, I confessed my feelings to my best friend, how I'm deeply in love with him. The consequence wasn't good, as he told we should never talk to each other again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1540

You deserved it

190

Favorite

By areyoukiddingme - 1/10/2015 05:56 - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28252

You deserved it

2438

Favorite

By Phobic_fml - 28/6/2019 22:22

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1424

You deserved it

816

Favorite

By Rhianna - 22/11/2009 04:05 - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year old clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30317

You deserved it

7648

Favorite

By Amanda - 5/5/2018 15:00

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1786

You deserved it

3807

Favorite

By lolowills - 14/11/2016 03:20

Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10242

You deserved it

1174

Favorite

By Nails - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

68940

You deserved it

7181

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35166

You deserved it

2533

Favorite

By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2166

You deserved it

118

Favorite

By quickfingers100 - 1/6/2011 16:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17605

You deserved it

47963

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/12/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50252

You deserved it

23899

Favorite

By sasquatch - 8/9/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16680

You deserved it

33453

Favorite

By Backinzi - 30/7/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32025

You deserved it

4937

Favorite

By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1924

You deserved it

141

Favorite

By kkt - 25/4/2013 04:54 - United States - Granbury

Today, my 15-year-old brother got busted for selling pills at school. The officer said they were reddish pink, so we searched the house for that kind of pill. Turns out it was my dog's medicine from over 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48653

You deserved it

4523

Favorite

By LetsMakeLove - 10/6/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8502

You deserved it

76623

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 13:42 - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34638

You deserved it

3496

Favorite

By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21502

You deserved it

50500

Favorite

By fuckmyjob - 19/6/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45896

You deserved it

10085

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By trollsemen | 8

#3213867 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

By IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#3213886 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

COMMENTS

By trollsemen | 8

#3213867 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3213909 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

Well you're married to her, so she must like you...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3213936 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:14

The wife's the mammoth.

LuHGiiiT | 11

#3213972 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:17

17 - Because that's not at all what #1 implied..
Thanks for making that clear =)

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3213997 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

you should have responded with "well, you married this sloth."

iTrevor | 5

#3214032 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:23

Hope she's into bestiality..

flockz | 19

#3214106 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:31

how about smell? Si smells like shit. How bout you?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3214114 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

21- It could go both ways really. Number 1 may have further tried to ridicule op.

Neopets_dot_com | 0

#3214120 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

I hope your brain isn't compared to Sid. That would really be insulting.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#3214315 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:16

Dude, give me your number, I have a fetish for Sid and well... WILL YOU MARRY ME?

fthislyfe | 22

#3214661 - Thursday 1 September 2011 0:24

Sid is super cute! Be happy

FarSide | 22

#3214848 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:50

No disrespect to you OP, but it does not say much about the bitch's judgment of others if she married you.

chuckychan | 8

#3215139 - Thursday 1 September 2011 5:47

do you always cry out of your pussy?

Bizenghastly | 0

#3215255 - Thursday 1 September 2011 8:08

I don't see why he's complaining if she says he has big feet ;)

Bradderz | 2

#3215795 - Thursday 1 September 2011 11:09

Errrrr.....Manny?!?!

HELP!!!!

changesinme | 0

#3215864 - Thursday 1 September 2011 11:37

it could be worst, she could have compared you to a sparkling possibly homosexual vampire eh?

Iheartfunny | 1

#3218108 - Thursday 1 September 2011 23:46

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Iheartfunny | 1

#3218111 - Thursday 1 September 2011 23:47

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Kuqito | 0

#3221362 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:06

Damn op your one ugly ass dude

WeemanIsBack | 3

#3227561 - Saturday 3 September 2011 11:43

Well you know what they say about big feet ;(

jazyyy16 | 3

#3244858 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 6:18

lmao a kid in my school looks like Sid too!

By lastsinglepanda | 16

#3213870 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

imjuicygossip | 0

#3214333 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:21

Agreed...

dmeloccaro | 5

#3215008 - Thursday 1 September 2011 4:12

I concur.

uffiewuffie | 0

#3217376 - Thursday 1 September 2011 21:10

You're never too old for a little Ice Age.

starrysky4 | 0

#3221562 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:49

I LOVE SID.
Jesus people, put sloths on the map.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3224862 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:01

More stimulating than a frickin squirrel nearly
dying over and over to get a nut? Impossible.

uffiewuffie | 0

#3229611 - Saturday 3 September 2011 21:02

Sid isn't the squirrel. It's the sloth. Idiot.

By chattysoul890 | 18

#3213875 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

maybe you should compare her to one of the mammoths!

first!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3213992 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

That "first" sent your potentially fair comment to shit.

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3213876 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3214304 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:14

I think it's funny. Sid isn't morbidly obese, you know.

jibz83 | 2

#3214866 - Thursday 1 September 2011 2:11

Yes, because the only time you should watch your weight is when your MORBIDLY obese...

By IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#3213886 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

jennaleigh | 0

#3215747 - Thursday 1 September 2011 10:51

Ahahah I lol'd

starrysky4 | 0

#3221581 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:52

I don't like this cat. He reads minds.

By Bloodlvst | 9

#3213896 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Is your wife a bitchy tyrannosaurus rex?

WCARlover | 34

#3214062 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:28

Maw she's the mammoth

WCARlover | 34

#3214076 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:29

Naw*
Friggin iPod

By kablooey_01 | 3

#3213899 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

what exactly do you look like? it all sounds very disproportionate

By MichellinMan | 20

#3213901 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Buy do you have the lisp? You can't be compared to him if you don't have the lisp

MichellinMan | 20

#3213956 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:16

*but

By badandevil | 0

#3213905 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

I dont see the problem, I thought Sid was also the most funny right?

overthelimit | 3

#3214850 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:53

Sid's adorable! :D chill, OP.

By twitch851 | 9

#3213917 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:13

Yeah but sid the sloth is a sexy sloth