Love: Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same...

By faceless_sailor8 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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Love

Commando

Instadrama

The smell detective is on the case

By help - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By not a dumbass pothead - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

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By Anonymous

My alarm

Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 20:04

Generosity

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

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By Nick - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By Pandy1031 - United States - Crofton

Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML

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By pissed - 12/10/2020 04:59

F is for Family

Today, I came home to find my husband’s disgusting pig of a sister let herself in while we were at work and decided to take a nap in our bed. Not only did she not ask to visit, she left a huge smelly period stain on my favorite sheets. No apology, no attempt to clean up. I didn’t give her a key. FML

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By jena

EMERGENCY

Today, my daughter called 911. Why? Because she couldn't get the images to show up on her phone. She's 12. FML

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By angry girlfriend - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By pinkrazorsare4men

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

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Love sex

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By fuck you, Jeff - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was out drinking with some colleagues, when one started ranting about some pretty sensitive subjects. There were some Latino guys nearby, and as soon as he said "I'm not racist, but..." I tried to casually get the hell out of there. We all got the crap beaten out of us anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By Marie - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. As we were about to exchange gifts, he got a call and said he had to go home immediately. What was the emergency? His guild leader couldn't find another healer to finish a raid and promised my boyfriend gear if he would step up. FML

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By RB84

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

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By June - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

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By axewoman

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

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By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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By Peppermint - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

When clampers attack!

Today, despite being parked in my work's car park, my car got clamped. It cost me $150 to get the clamp removed and all I got was "bad luck" from my boss and the clamper. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

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By anon

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

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By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

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By Rejection - France

Today, I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. His reply? "No it's fine." FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML

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By Shrek's Pubes

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

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By ~~~~ - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

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By CAchickadee - United States

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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By Hopeless - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I had a dream that I met my celebrity crush. As I leant in to kiss him, he rejected me saying “woah no thanks”. I get rejected even in my dream. FML

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By wtf

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

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Top comments

By trollsemen | 8

#3213867 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

By IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#3213886 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

COMMENTS

By trollsemen | 8

#3213867 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3213909 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

Well you're married to her, so she must like you...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3213936 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:14

The wife's the mammoth.

LuHGiiiT | 11

#3213972 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:17

17 - Because that's not at all what #1 implied..
Thanks for making that clear =)

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3213997 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

you should have responded with "well, you married this sloth."

iTrevor | 5

#3214032 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:23

Hope she's into bestiality..

flockz | 19

#3214106 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:31

how about smell? Si smells like shit. How bout you?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3214114 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

21- It could go both ways really. Number 1 may have further tried to ridicule op.

Neopets_dot_com | 0

#3214120 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

I hope your brain isn't compared to Sid. That would really be insulting.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#3214315 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:16

Dude, give me your number, I have a fetish for Sid and well... WILL YOU MARRY ME?

fthislyfe | 22

#3214661 - Thursday 1 September 2011 0:24

Sid is super cute! Be happy

FarSide | 22

#3214848 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:50

No disrespect to you OP, but it does not say much about the bitch's judgment of others if she married you.

chuckychan | 8

#3215139 - Thursday 1 September 2011 5:47

do you always cry out of your pussy?

Bizenghastly | 0

#3215255 - Thursday 1 September 2011 8:08

I don't see why he's complaining if she says he has big feet ;)

Bradderz | 2

#3215795 - Thursday 1 September 2011 11:09

Errrrr.....Manny?!?!

HELP!!!!

changesinme | 0

#3215864 - Thursday 1 September 2011 11:37

it could be worst, she could have compared you to a sparkling possibly homosexual vampire eh?

Iheartfunny | 1

#3218108 - Thursday 1 September 2011 23:46

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Iheartfunny | 1

#3218111 - Thursday 1 September 2011 23:47

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Kuqito | 0

#3221362 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:06

Damn op your one ugly ass dude

WeemanIsBack | 3

#3227561 - Saturday 3 September 2011 11:43

Well you know what they say about big feet ;(

jazyyy16 | 3

#3244858 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 6:18

lmao a kid in my school looks like Sid too!

By lastsinglepanda | 16

#3213870 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

imjuicygossip | 0

#3214333 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:21

Agreed...

dmeloccaro | 5

#3215008 - Thursday 1 September 2011 4:12

I concur.

uffiewuffie | 0

#3217376 - Thursday 1 September 2011 21:10

You're never too old for a little Ice Age.

starrysky4 | 0

#3221562 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:49

I LOVE SID.
Jesus people, put sloths on the map.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3224862 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:01

More stimulating than a frickin squirrel nearly
dying over and over to get a nut? Impossible.

uffiewuffie | 0

#3229611 - Saturday 3 September 2011 21:02

Sid isn't the squirrel. It's the sloth. Idiot.

By chattysoul890 | 18

#3213875 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

maybe you should compare her to one of the mammoths!

first!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3213992 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

That "first" sent your potentially fair comment to shit.

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3213876 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3214304 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:14

I think it's funny. Sid isn't morbidly obese, you know.

jibz83 | 2

#3214866 - Thursday 1 September 2011 2:11

Yes, because the only time you should watch your weight is when your MORBIDLY obese...

By IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#3213886 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

jennaleigh | 0

#3215747 - Thursday 1 September 2011 10:51

Ahahah I lol'd

starrysky4 | 0

#3221581 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:52

I don't like this cat. He reads minds.

By Bloodlvst | 9

#3213896 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Is your wife a bitchy tyrannosaurus rex?

WCARlover | 34

#3214062 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:28

Maw she's the mammoth

WCARlover | 34

#3214076 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:29

Naw*
Friggin iPod

By kablooey_01 | 3

#3213899 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

what exactly do you look like? it all sounds very disproportionate

By MichellinMan | 20

#3213901 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Buy do you have the lisp? You can't be compared to him if you don't have the lisp

MichellinMan | 20

#3213956 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:16

*but

By badandevil | 0

#3213905 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

I dont see the problem, I thought Sid was also the most funny right?

overthelimit | 3

#3214850 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:53

Sid's adorable! :D chill, OP.

By twitch851 | 9

#3213917 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:13

Yeah but sid the sloth is a sexy sloth