Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same...

By faceless_sailor8 - 31/8/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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Love

Running commentary

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Who's a good boy?

By fmlsrslyahhh - 6/9/2011 19:40 - Singapore

Today, I picked up a lady's dropped wallet and chased after her despite my sprained ankle. When I finally caught up with her, she smashed her chili sauce filled hotdog across my face and kicked me in the groin, accusing me of stealing her wallet. I was kept at the police station for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 12:33 - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

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By polish_chik - 1/9/2009 04:00 - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 19:00

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

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By SplitMind95 - 19/8/2016 03:20 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I was on Tinder and only one girl matched with me. She gave me a "Super-Like" so I thought she must want to get to know each other and see what happens. Nope. She recognized me as the guy who adopted the stray cat she was taking care of last year, and just wanted to know how he was doing. FML

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By nobrows - 6/4/2012 17:11 - United States - Malvern

Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML

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By Oja1 - 16/12/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By Username - 4/8/2011 09:15 - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 06:29 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

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By suzanneallen - 11/9/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

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By StudMuffinette - 18/7/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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By rmL - 13/10/2008 08:31

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

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By "lk07" - 23/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I'm stuck in bed with a fever, aches, and nasty cough. My kids and husband had it too, and kept coughing without covering their mouths, despite my asking several times so I wouldn't get sick. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By crackie - 16/6/2016 17:45 - Korea, Republic of

Today, my job as a supervisor has become increasingly ridiculous because one employee doesn't want to do the tasks I give her. My supervisor tells me to keep working with her and giving her work. When she goes directly to him, he tells her she doesn't have to do them. FML

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By Gracie-Ann - 1/7/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

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By addicted2v - 21/1/2012 13:25 - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

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By duped - 15/8/2011 05:45 - Pakistan

Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

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By disappointment - 5/6/2018 15:00

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

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By linren - 28/3/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By anon - 2/1/2016 15:57 - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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By keenan - 19/9/2010 23:55 - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

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By kp - 31/8/2010 12:46 - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By seeminglyunsexy - 14/8/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

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By dearme - 2/6/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By LittleMissRejected - 21/7/2017 14:27

Today, I learned that, even after several interviews and congratulations for getting the job, you still might not get the job. I just received an email stating that my accepted offer is now rejected. I already treated my close friends to an expensive dinner to celebrate. FML

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By extraflavour - 23/12/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By where's the epipen - 23/10/2016 06:41 - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road. My car started to make a funny noise and smell, so I pulled over to check it, thinking I blew the tire on some antlers. The deer got stuck in my front wheel, and I'd dragged it more than a mile. And it wasn't actually dead. FML

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By TehUglyLife - 29/7/2013 19:11 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I tried to help a bird who had broken his wing. I walked straight into a door while looking down at him in my hands, and ended up all but breaking his other wing. FML

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By GeeThanks - 2/5/2017 05:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while making a grand show of his generosity, my boss gave me my own commissions as a wedding gift. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - 15/12/2013 19:16 - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/1/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By notgettingany - 24/11/2010 17:18 - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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By tooembarrassed - 12/2/2016 15:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

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By TommyNoFeet - 4/12/2017 06:00

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By B-Man - 11/12/2009 21:55 - Canada

Today, I woke up lying on the ground outside with a horrible headache. I camped out in my tree house last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

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Top comments

By trollsemen | 8

#3213867 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

By IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#3213886 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

Comments

By trollsemen | 8

#3213867 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Where's the mammoth then?

Keyman1212 | 14

#3213909 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

Well you're married to her, so she must like you...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3213936 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:14

The wife's the mammoth.

LuHGiiiT | 11

#3213972 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:17

17 - Because that's not at all what #1 implied..
Thanks for making that clear =)

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3213997 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

you should have responded with "well, you married this sloth."

iTrevor | 5

#3214032 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:23

Hope she's into bestiality..

flockz | 19

#3214106 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:31

how about smell? Si smells like shit. How bout you?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3214114 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

21- It could go both ways really. Number 1 may have further tried to ridicule op.

Neopets_dot_com | 0

#3214120 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:32

I hope your brain isn't compared to Sid. That would really be insulting.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#3214315 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:16

Dude, give me your number, I have a fetish for Sid and well... WILL YOU MARRY ME?

fthislyfe | 22

#3214661 - Thursday 1 September 2011 0:24

Sid is super cute! Be happy

FarSide | 22

#3214848 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:50

No disrespect to you OP, but it does not say much about the bitch's judgment of others if she married you.

chuckychan | 8

#3215139 - Thursday 1 September 2011 5:47

do you always cry out of your pussy?

Bizenghastly | 0

#3215255 - Thursday 1 September 2011 8:08

I don't see why he's complaining if she says he has big feet ;)

Bradderz | 2

#3215795 - Thursday 1 September 2011 11:09

Errrrr.....Manny?!?!

HELP!!!!

changesinme | 0

#3215864 - Thursday 1 September 2011 11:37

it could be worst, she could have compared you to a sparkling possibly homosexual vampire eh?

Iheartfunny | 1

#3218108 - Thursday 1 September 2011 23:46

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Iheartfunny | 1

#3218111 - Thursday 1 September 2011 23:47

sid tje sloth is a very lovable character... just saying

Kuqito | 0

#3221362 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:06

Damn op your one ugly ass dude

WeemanIsBack | 3

#3227561 - Saturday 3 September 2011 11:43

Well you know what they say about big feet ;(

jazyyy16 | 3

#3244858 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 6:18

lmao a kid in my school looks like Sid too!

By lastsinglepanda | 16

#3213870 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

imjuicygossip | 0

#3214333 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:21

Agreed...

dmeloccaro | 5

#3215008 - Thursday 1 September 2011 4:12

I concur.

uffiewuffie | 0

#3217376 - Thursday 1 September 2011 21:10

You're never too old for a little Ice Age.

starrysky4 | 0

#3221562 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:49

I LOVE SID.
Jesus people, put sloths on the map.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3224862 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:01

More stimulating than a frickin squirrel nearly
dying over and over to get a nut? Impossible.

uffiewuffie | 0

#3229611 - Saturday 3 September 2011 21:02

Sid isn't the squirrel. It's the sloth. Idiot.

By chattysoul890 | 18

#3213875 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

maybe you should compare her to one of the mammoths!

first!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3213992 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:19

That "first" sent your potentially fair comment to shit.

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3213876 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3214304 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:14

I think it's funny. Sid isn't morbidly obese, you know.

jibz83 | 2

#3214866 - Thursday 1 September 2011 2:11

Yes, because the only time you should watch your weight is when your MORBIDLY obese...

By IAmNotAnAnimal | 9

#3213886 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

PINECONE!

jennaleigh | 0

#3215747 - Thursday 1 September 2011 10:51

Ahahah I lol'd

starrysky4 | 0

#3221581 - Friday 2 September 2011 8:52

I don't like this cat. He reads minds.

By Bloodlvst | 9

#3213896 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Is your wife a bitchy tyrannosaurus rex?

WCARlover | 34

#3214062 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:28

Maw she's the mammoth

WCARlover | 34

#3214076 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:29

Naw*
Friggin iPod

By kablooey_01 | 3

#3213899 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

what exactly do you look like? it all sounds very disproportionate

By MichellinMan | 20

#3213901 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:10

Buy do you have the lisp? You can't be compared to him if you don't have the lisp

MichellinMan | 20

#3213956 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:16

*but

By badandevil | 0

#3213905 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:11

I dont see the problem, I thought Sid was also the most funny right?

overthelimit | 3

#3214850 - Thursday 1 September 2011 1:53

Sid's adorable! :D chill, OP.

By twitch851 | 9

#3213917 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 22:13

Yeah but sid the sloth is a sexy sloth