Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique...

By TukTuk - 27/10/2014 21:18 - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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Miscellaneous

No one likes a smart-ass

Caught red-handed

Trust

By Oops - 2/11/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

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By horny21 - 21/2/2010 08:19 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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By Renesmeekuhnell - 28/2/2010 16:00 - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

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By Flubber - 7/2/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By Jeathrow - 16/2/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

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By Theguyinthedark - 30/6/2016 13:23 - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

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By ForeverYoung - 17/8/2019 12:00

Today, I got mistaken for a high school freshman. It’s my 23rd birthday. FML

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By Oliveisthenewora - 5/4/2016 05:55 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

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By Tee - 11/12/2009 09:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

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By Rach - 8/6/2010 14:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

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By bablessinbedsty - 5/5/2017 14:45

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

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By random - 13/5/2013 15:06 - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

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By Time for a haircut - 21/5/2013 19:05 - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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By soul0eater - 12/3/2011 07:18 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 05:07 - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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By Whatever01 - 10/3/2009 03:32 - United States

Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 00:11 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By nerd_man01 - 10/7/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

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By GiraffeLover - 11/1/2013 11:36 - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

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By rhartnett11 - 16/2/2011 12:56

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2015 13:58 - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 11:57 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 02:13 - United States - Herndon

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

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By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By QuinnyZebrass - 2/4/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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By Dudeman5000 - 21/1/2009 06:59 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

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By divingconfidence - 22/12/2012 11:21 - United States - Maple Grove

Today, it was my first time at the club. I saw a really cute girl. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to dance. Before I even got within five feet of her, she looked me in the eyes and vehemently shook her head. I did a 180. My friends saw everything. They are still laughing. FML

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By loveless - 18/10/2009 10:30 - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By KlutzyFarmGirl - 12/6/2018 14:30 - United States

Glamorous...

Today, I went into the farm where I work. Within the first 30 minutes I slipped on a fresh cow pie and broke my ankle. FML

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By Marcela - 18/3/2009 13:47 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

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By lolgarbl - 26/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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Top comments

By Enslaved | 36

#6102639 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:45

Were you expecting it to be a treasure map?

By NeatNit | 32

#6102638 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:45

Plot twist: you acquired it in 2003!

Comments

By NeatNit | 32

#6102638 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:45

Plot twist: you acquired it in 2003!

Wakachulak | 22

#6102694 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 8:04

Guys, think you're missing the point here. Antique = old. OP got ripped off.

riffehunter | 16

#6102702 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 8:29

the instructions are for a bed. not the mirror.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6102776 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 11:44

You don't think that a previous owner could have shoved random crap down the back?

Wakachulak | 22

#6102791 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 12:21

No I don't, #32

ositoakaluis | 16

#6102865 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 15:00

OP had hope that it could of been a treasure map, deed to the house or anything mysterious.

By Enslaved | 36

#6102639 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:45

Were you expecting it to be a treasure map?

Googolman | 29

#6102646 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:48

Or even better, toilet paper. God knows there isn't enough of that.

foxwasalamb | 24

#6102659 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 7:02

could be a goonies adventure

coming back in the future | 30

#6102695 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 8:04

#2 it was antique though.

Ki11erC | 18

#6102704 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 8:39

25: Obviously not if it's from 2007

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6102710 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 9:06

Someone could have hidden a modern newspaper in an antique. Quite easily. Why they'd do so, who knows.

Wakachulak | 22

#6102793 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 12:24

Yeah, and OJ could of not done it

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6102811 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 13:17

*COULD. HAVE. Could've.

Wakachulak | 22

#6102831 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 14:02

Do I look like I care?

Ichiya | 29

#6102833 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 14:03

Nope you look like an idiot.

Wakachulak | 22

#6103063 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 18:58

That's the best insult you can come up with? Weak.

thecalvin123 | 21

#6103275 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:03

I haven't seen you say anything clever so far.

gabwielle | 8

#6103513 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 4:09

Maybe the mirror rattled

By james98e | 15

#6102640 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:45

Maybe it's a hidden message?

sayyestothedress | 24

#6103184 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 20:38

In a juice box there's a hint
Koolaid is the name if the juice
Enter the bedroom
At last claim your reward
(I tried my best)

By Googolman | 29

#6102642 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:46

You can't go wrong with IKEA bed instructions.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#6102644 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:47

Now the question is where is the bed to go with the instructions?

By Sonata90 | 26

#6102645 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:47

What on earth could have prompted you to disassemble an entire antique mirror for a stack of papers? YDI.

foxwasalamb | 24

#6102662 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 7:03

oh i could never not look. the mystery of what it could be, what i might have stored there, i would sit and think about it all day.

rocker_chick23 | 27

#6102689 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 7:49

I would have done the same thing. I am a very curious person, and it would have bugged me if I wasn't able to get to what piqued my interest and curiosity.