Love: Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa,...

By Marou - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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25268

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Love

Mr Sensitivity

Tasty

Hang in there

By can't eat paper - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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46684

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML

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By during - United States

Narcissism

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

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56258

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7300

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By lollerskate - United States

Today, my smoke alarm went off. In a frenzy, I called 9-1-1 and exited my house. Several minutes later a fire truck showed up. After investigating, one of the firemen informed me I needed to change the batteries in my smoke alarm. FML

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8238

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By blazer - United States

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 18:00 - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

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2139

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By ocdistheworst - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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47203

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By benji - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17356

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By wabbyfish - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45412

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8137

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk.' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

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57792

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27792

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By oxjessiiox - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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59011

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By BlueBallMcGee - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64589

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20189

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 14:02 - Hungary - Sopron

Bittie

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1531

You deserved it

142

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By shoes - United States

Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27634

You deserved it

3910

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By stalked - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

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65498

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4774

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By joking0303 - United States

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

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46020

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By Doc - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3814

You deserved it

177

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By Binks - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

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2834

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224

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By Pissedoffwife

Today, our dishwasher broke. It's my husband's chore to do the dishes, but he refused to hand-wash them, and instead suggested we take them all up to his mother's for her to put in her dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1676

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200

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By rubmytummy - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58706

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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27564

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48106

You deserved it

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By lyssanthamum - United States

Today, on the train, I got excited when I suddenly noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from a boy I liked. With a grin on my face, I told my friend. My dad overheard and said, "oh sweetie, he probably had the wrong number." The voicemail was blank. I texted him. The call was an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55431

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By AZW

Today, I have come to realise that my brother's fling is at a higher priority to my parents than me, their own flesh and blood. FML

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1896

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

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4363

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By Fauxgeek

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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13282

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By goodlord12 - United States - Branson

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20239

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By jack - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29892

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By raz - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27422

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

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26381

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By NoWedding - United States

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

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37781

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3523

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By Weddingbelles - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13170

You deserved it

765

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25615

You deserved it

5848

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By wtf - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23624

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By funnymanjoe - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

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37635

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By APersonSomewhere

Today, it’s my 21st birthday. The people I invited over spent most of the time talking about their LARP group which I am not a part of and so could not participate, talked over what I wanted to watch, and then it ended with an intervention by them for me because they were upset that I was upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1920

You deserved it

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By cycler - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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31863

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Top comments

By alley_cat_118 | 0

#4369 - Friday 20 February 2009 13:23

I'm sorry, but that was a corny line. And I have heard (and used) my lion's share of bad pick-up lines.

By jamers113 | 0

#508255 - Sunday 23 August 2009 2:12

why's the guy you like santa?
..that's just odd.

COMMENTS

By alley_cat_118 | 0

#4369 - Friday 20 February 2009 13:23

I'm sorry, but that was a corny line. And I have heard (and used) my lion's share of bad pick-up lines.

druggielove | 0

#977017 - Saturday 10 April 2010 3:50

ydi for believing in Santa

dannnn_fml | 0

#983165 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:27

are you a library book? cause you've got fine written all over you!! :) haha pickup lines are cool

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1151379 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 6:41

lol 16 win

By FlickMyBean | 0

#9751 - Sunday 1 March 2009 3:43

If you want to, you never will.

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631508 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:34

Thats an epic block on his part.

By LyLa_fml | 0

#11793 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:50

Major douche bag. Sorry.

By jdpwnsyou | 0

#25111 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 22:33

Okay, first that was a terrible line on your part. Second, he could have let you down easier.

By sabrage | 0

#49581 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:38

Was he Jewish?

By 24788 | 6

#161627 - Saturday 2 May 2009 7:13

That's just weird.

By nazzy | 1

#165000 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:14

why the hell woudl you do that, thats so stupid, seriuosly

By thatonekid2010 | 0

#253335 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 7:11

Dangg
Haha

By tangerine_12 | 0

#458389 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 7:57

i dont know why but i think people from france have the worst FMLs.
no offence.

By jamers113 | 0

#508255 - Sunday 23 August 2009 2:12

why's the guy you like santa?
..that's just odd.