Love: Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa,...

By Marou - 25/12/2008 01:54 - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 277

You deserved it 11 041

Love

Vulture

Unfortunate

Wrong place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 20:02 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 278

You deserved it 2 450

Down the rabbit hole of assumptions

By Not Suicidal - 02/07/2020 05:04

Today, a lady talking about the Bible came to my house. She looked at me and said I wouldn't need to cut myself if I had God in my life. Mom heard and did a thorough investigation of my body for scars. I had to bathe my rabbit last night, and he scratched me. They were from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 135

Bad hair day

By Hairdresser On Fire - 01/10/2019 18:05 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I mistook a little girl for a boy. Unfortunately, I only realised my mistake until after I'd cut her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 1 772

How Soon is Now?

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 12:59 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 1 695

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 16:00 - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 728

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 14/09/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 017

You deserved it 2 742

By jkin47 - 04/08/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 595

You deserved it 4 022

By cheated - 17/09/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 484

You deserved it 2 774

Take a chill pill

By failed - 23/02/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 033

You deserved it 46 148

By danii - 05/10/2011 03:28 - Reserved

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 096

You deserved it 64 830

By skigal24 - 30/05/2011 14:59 - United States

Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 596

You deserved it 16 542

By FastTurtle9 - 24/05/2016 20:10 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 618

You deserved it 1 321

By KaySchrages92 - 25/10/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 466

You deserved it 3 854

Creepy

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 09:41 - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 000

You deserved it 4 517

By hjgjh - 27/04/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 486

You deserved it 23 367

Sludge factory

By fmyactuallife - 03/05/2020 08:00

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 106

By 1fungi - 07/12/2010 05:25

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 959

You deserved it 5 408

Who talks to you like that at work?

By marie - 28/03/2021 11:02

Today, I decided to listen to some music at work, so I plugged in my headphones and turned on Spotify. Only the music decided to play out loud instead. I was called a “disrespectful little bitch who wasn’t raised right” for not using my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 170

By sexyswollen - 24/10/2009 17:14 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 898

You deserved it 3 120

By stop thief - 26/06/2014 15:11 - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 965

You deserved it 6 079

By AOart1st - 21/11/2014 03:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 17 549

Cooked

By That Person - 14/09/2016 00:11 - Australia - Coolbellup

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 231

You deserved it 12 041

By noname - 18/02/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 226

You deserved it 6 023

By BreechInEducation - 27/11/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 535

You deserved it 918

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 000

You deserved it 2 910

By bugnose - 16/05/2011 06:26

Today, I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around my room. After several attempts, I stomped on it with my shoe. I was trying to get a closer look at my victory when it flew into my nostril. Turns out it was just playing dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 9 089

By Pain_intolerant - 11/03/2011 14:11 - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 399

You deserved it 4 994

By Sammy - 25/11/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 936

You deserved it 13 880

By lonelygal69 - 19/08/2015 05:54 - United States - Stafford

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 992

You deserved it 3 749

By Anonymous - 25/04/2014 21:21 - United States - Marlboro

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 116

You deserved it 11 213

By HHIChica - 17/09/2009 11:14 - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 362

You deserved it 5 812

By madi - 15/04/2011 19:13 - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 728

You deserved it 3 138

Kids Say the Darndest Things

By Lolabunny - 21/08/2018 04:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 330

Motormouth

By Anonymous - 17/08/2020 17:08

Today, my boyfriend and I were riding in the back seat of his mom’s car and she kept talking at him non-stop. He responded only in grunts. When at some point I informed her that her son had been asleep for several minutes, she just kept on talking to him anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 92

By Ouch - 28/02/2015 02:25 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 694

You deserved it 2 416

By temp - 21/10/2016 00:36

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 825

You deserved it 683

By mastermind - 22/08/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 274

You deserved it 680

By namhtor - 28/09/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 374

You deserved it 6 717

By mother to be - 04/08/2014 13:20 - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 854

You deserved it 7 025

By Charitable - 30/06/2014 05:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 509

You deserved it 8 824

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alley_cat_118 0

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Friday 20 February 2009 13:23

I'm sorry, but that was a corny line. And I have heard (and used) my lion's share of bad pick-up lines.

jamers113 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:12

why's the guy you like santa? ..that's just odd.

alley_cat_118 0

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Friday 20 February 2009 13:23

I'm sorry, but that was a corny line. And I have heard (and used) my lion's share of bad pick-up lines.

druggielove 0

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Saturday 10 April 2010 3:50

ydi for believing in Santa

dannnn_fml 0

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Thursday 22 April 2010 1:27

are you a library book? cause you've got fine written all over you!! :) haha pickup lines are cool

wowthatshorrible_fml 0

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Wednesday 28 July 2010 6:41

lol 16 win

FlickMyBean 0

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Sunday 1 March 2009 3:43

If you want to, you never will.

TriflingAllDay 6

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Saturday 30 June 2012 1:34

Thats an epic block on his part.

LyLa_fml 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:50

Major douche bag. Sorry.

jdpwnsyou 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 22:33

Okay, first that was a terrible line on your part. Second, he could have let you down easier.

sabrage 0

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Sunday 22 March 2009 7:38

Was he Jewish?

24788 6

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Saturday 2 May 2009 7:13

That's just weird.

nazzy 1

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Sunday 3 May 2009 20:14

why the hell woudl you do that, thats so stupid, seriuosly

thatonekid2010 0

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 7:11

Dangg Haha

tangerine_12 0

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Wednesday 5 August 2009 7:57

i dont know why but i think people from france have the worst FMLs. no offence.

jamers113 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 2:12

why's the guy you like santa? ..that's just odd.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535

You deserved it 100

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 776

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