Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa,...

By Marou - 25/12/2008 01:54 - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Nice neighborhood

Hello everyone!

By CrapDay - 18/1/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2013 16:58 - Finland - Nykarleby

Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 01:56 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

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By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

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By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

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By Stu - 19/6/2012 09:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

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By hatemylife - 19/7/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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By singleladynow - 20/1/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By randa - 5/4/2011 07:30

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 19:18 - United States

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

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By Imretarded - 24/5/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

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By moron - 9/5/2011 17:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML

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By gold3nshow3r - 9/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

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By gera3gera - 7/10/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

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By greatdriver...4 - 31/8/2011 11:07 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By doubledown - 4/6/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

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By BrokeandDesperate - 6/12/2011 07:03 - United States

Today, a 65 year old toothless gas station attendant asked me out on a date in exchange for free gas, and I said yes. This is what my unemployment has come to. FML

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By Peach - 5/12/2017 15:00

Today, my husband finally decided to help with the laundry. He washed a pen and it exploded in the dryer. FML

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By well fuck! - 14/8/2019 22:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

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By SexyQueen0905 - 17/5/2011 13:05

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

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By Rants - 1/5/2019 16:00

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, my "best friend" invited me to drink with her and a couple other friends. She told me to "just bring a few bucks for beer". When I got there, no one else had brought money, including her. They only invited me because I'm the only one with a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 10:00 - United States

Today, after closing down the gas station I work at, I went to unlock the door to the building. Turned out the lock broke and I was locked inside until my boss could get there to let me out. FML

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By anonymous - 12/3/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I burned my butt on the heater when I tried to warm up after my shower. FML

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By pagvscgrac - 13/3/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By MC Turtledick - 15/2/2012 01:28 - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - 24/2/2009 13:43 - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

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By ouchieouch - 7/1/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I burned myself while cooking, so I asked my mom to get the burn cream while I waited in the kitchen. While I was waiting, I absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove, earning myself a second burn. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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By ADH2000 - 9/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

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By Yudith - 4/6/2019 02:00

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

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By Renderfist - 6/7/2017 18:30

Today, I had to comfort my wife after she found out that her boyfriend wasn't faithful to her. FML

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By KMAC - 16/3/2010 20:14 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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By Jules - 21/2/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

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Top comments

By alley_cat_118 | 0

#4369 - Friday 20 February 2009 13:23

I'm sorry, but that was a corny line. And I have heard (and used) my lion's share of bad pick-up lines.

By jamers113 | 0

#508255 - Sunday 23 August 2009 2:12

why's the guy you like santa?
..that's just odd.

Comments

By alley_cat_118 | 0

#4369 - Friday 20 February 2009 13:23

I'm sorry, but that was a corny line. And I have heard (and used) my lion's share of bad pick-up lines.

druggielove | 0

#977017 - Saturday 10 April 2010 3:50

ydi for believing in Santa

dannnn_fml | 0

#983165 - Thursday 22 April 2010 1:27

are you a library book? cause you've got fine written all over you!! :) haha pickup lines are cool

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1151379 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 6:41

lol 16 win

By FlickMyBean | 0

#9751 - Sunday 1 March 2009 3:43

If you want to, you never will.

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631508 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:34

Thats an epic block on his part.

By LyLa_fml | 0

#11793 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:50

Major douche bag. Sorry.

By jdpwnsyou | 0

#25111 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 22:33

Okay, first that was a terrible line on your part. Second, he could have let you down easier.

By sabrage | 0

#49581 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:38

Was he Jewish?

By 24788 | 6

#161627 - Saturday 2 May 2009 7:13

That's just weird.

By nazzy | 0

#165000 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:14

why the hell woudl you do that, thats so stupid, seriuosly

By thatonekid2010 | 0

#253335 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 7:11

Dangg
Haha

By tangerine_12 | 0

#458389 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 7:57

i dont know why but i think people from france have the worst FMLs.
no offence.

By jamers113 | 0

#508255 - Sunday 23 August 2009 2:12

why's the guy you like santa?
..that's just odd.