By CanWeAllGetOne - 13/11/2013 06:40 - United States - Houston

Spicy
Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML
I agree, your life sucks 52 799
You deserved it 13 997

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Oh that's cold.

Pleasing your man while doing your chores. You are certainly wife material

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Oh that's cold.

Well I guess OP's husband would way it's hot

It's never cold with you companion cube.

talent is found in the strangest of places.

omg teach me your ways lol

Anyone who's a Beiber fan is too young to be having sex.

As funny as your comment was, don't hate on Belibers. They're just like any other music fan. Although I do find his music tasteless myself I respect Baileys choice to listen what she wants to listen to. Sure some Belibers are annoying, but are they really anymore annoying than other fandoms? You gotta live and let live man, and lets be honest. You're probably jealous as shit of Justin for getting to screw babes like Selena Gomez. I know I am!

No, I think Bieber is an annoying twat who is so fucking lazy and self-indulgent that he can't even be bothered to climb up the Great Wall of China himself, instead preferring to be carried by his entourage. I lost every single drop of respect for him when I saw that.

Not for him but for his fans man. I agree with you but you really shouldn't hate on people for the music they listen to, it's only acceptable when they hate on your tastes. But seriously. Does it really hurt you if some girls listen to Beiber? Can you not just let people listen to what they want and go about their business while you go about yours? Why must we always just hate?

Not to mention she's like 12

And not to mention she loves her boyfriend which by the looks of it. Haven't even dated 8 months

I'm in no way hating on her. It was a joke meant to be funny.

Hahahahahaha good one 37

Doc, just because someone in a band is a douchebag doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the fans. You listen because you like the music, not because you like the person. Axl Rose is notorious for being an asshole to everyone (including his fans) but that doesn't mean the people who like Guns and Roses are bad people.

I never had a respect for his so much as awe that he had that many people who loved him. Then I saw him spit on his 'followers' and I was like what a cunt!

Ok guys I think we got sidetracked from the actual FML. Instead we are having a conversation that is not worth having. So what if she likes Justin Bieber, you shouldn't judge her in any way for that. It's their decision and it is not your place to tell her who she should like.

#113, yes, but A LOT of Bieber's fans don't like him for his music; they like him for his face and 'body'. They like his looks so my much that they convince themselves they like his music

#42- Stop being rational, you're driving the internet crazy.

The main point here is that she's 12. How do you even decide to become intimate with someone at that age ? it's ridiculous and completely wrong.

I puzzles me is, what "body"? You can be that skinny and have abs easy and he looks like a girl! I Honestly get puzzled with this .

The noises of your juices? Would that be audible over the phone?

If she puts the phone near her peach, then yes. *shlick shlick*

XxxT3rr4xxX 25

Haha or she could have made.the sounds from the water in the washing machine.

Just stir some mac n cheese

I will never look at Mac n Cheese the same way ever again.

\ 28

Or pour out dog food

Finally, someone who agrees with the oddness that is the sound of mac and cheese being stirred!

@101 pouring dog food.... WHAT?!

The canned stuff can make some pretty funky noises when it gets stuck & you've gotta dig chunks out with a spoon but it definitely doesn't sound like sex :/

That sexy, sexy laundry.

Dem socks

Dat thong thong thong thong thong!

Pleasing your man while doing your chores. You are certainly wife material

Yep, the full deal! Now, back to the kitchen with you!

Too far, man..

She's pro.

I think... Wait it doesn't matter what I think. Is what eeeeeeverybody should have said before they posted. Too many opinionated, defensive people on this post I swear.

This, is with regard to antiprude's post

Best comment I've ever read.

Are you sure he came? Maybe he can fake as good as you can... ;)

A double negative = a positive. You bunch of fakers!

Since when have men had to fake orgasms?

Obviously you've never read I hope they serve beer in hell.

43 - it's not as uncommon as you think. Trust me.

Men have faked orgasms as long as women have been insecure...so forever.

plus its over the phone, that's easy to do.

#43 oh trust me. . we can. .. and we do

Lol, phone sex. Worked a couple of times with my first ever girlfriend, wasnt worth it at all. Never done it since. OP your husband should just watch porn like every other guy does when their girl is away for a bit.

um no. some people actually dont watch porn while their partner is away.

So if a girl goes on a trip or is away for a week then the guy is supposed to wait till he explodes in his boxers while he sleeps? Get real.

It's possible to masturbate without porn, jeez.

Yes. Better that he watch porn than cheat.

@30 You're a girl. It has been proven that males are predominantly aroused by visual stimuli, while females rely more on what they feel physically. So actually no, guys dont masturbate without some form of porn, unless they're desperate.

AntiPrude - Please show me the name of the scientific peer-review journal containing that double-blind, randomised controlled trial. It'll make for some interesting reading. Don't think for a second that you speak for all 3 billion men on the planet. I assure you, you do not.

What makes you think you can speak for the whole male generation?

@49 *sigh* I really cbf to go looking for it on pubmed. No, im not speaking for every soul, but i think most dudes find the proposition of jerkin it while staring up at the ceiling a bit dull.

he doesn't need one. just the sheer number of porn views and traffic used for porn is enough. the fact that women have tits (biologically not necessarily) is a fact for visual stimulus needed for men.

AntiPrude: my boyfriend does not masturbate, ever. he also does not watch porn (inb4 someone says he's lying, because he's not); and sometimes we only get intimate once a week. it's not like every guy on earth needs to get off daily.

56 - I REALLY hope you're joking. if you think tits aren't biologically necessary, I suggest you go take a class on basic human anatomy and then another on pregnancy/child-rearing.

AntiPrude, watch less porn and read more books, then maybe you would be able to state worthwhile facts.

No we DO not have boobs for your pleasure. In fact, breasts are purely for feeding infants. Society has sexualized breasts, and it has led to this false notion. Seriously look at animals, most animals have very little breasts until after they get pregnant. You don't see fish going around searching for non-existent fish titties do you? But dolphins will still bang anything with a flapper. Yeah boobs are fun and maybe they make you happy, however most men would probably go after anything with a tail even if it didn't have boobs. It's the pheromones, y'all.

63 - humans don't have or produce pheromones. also, it's actually been proven that men *typically* are attracted to women with larger breasts because of the primal instinct that it means she'd be better-equipped to feed his potential children.

58 are you two middle aged? If not then I suggest your boyfriend get his testosterone levels checked, or it could be from a sedentary lifestyle or smoking weed. But I would bet 500 that you just dont know your boyfriends sexual habits very well, or hes just a plain liar. No, we dont need to get off daily, but once a week is getting kind of priestish, and even they have altar boys.

sorry nnope i accidentally downvoted you. but tits DO serve a purpose, are you fucking stupid? They are for the baby to get breast milk!

65: our ages are none of your business. have you never heard the phrase "everyone's different?" I'll take that $500! edit: it's okay #66 :P

I think most of us can agree that AntiPrude is just an asshole.

Okay, it has been proven that both methods can work on both genders. I am a female and I find it very easy to masturbate to porn, but also physical touching. You can't just create a double standard like that

There is a big difference between "does not exist" and "can't be determined". Although it isn't for certain whether pheromones control sexual activity, it is for certain that hormones and natural body responses cause men, and women to get aroused even if no one is around.

AntiPrude, I think you might have a slight misconception about your own gender and the need for sex

@69 at least i dont look like a retard.

I have never met a man that does not masturbate after puberty. nnope, I assure you that your boyfriend does masturbate unless you are having sex multiple times a day daily. He probably is just too embarrassed to admit it to you ;)

Antiprude, you sure about that?

I think that this may just be one of the weirdest arguments I've seen...

#84 you are 1000000% correct!

AntiPrude, the arguments you're making are definitely making your last comment questionable.

#63: Not that I disagree entirely with what you said, but you kind of proved his point a bit. Other animals don't get noticeable breasts until they're pregnant because they serve no other purpose. You've got breasts all the time, at least once you're old enough. I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader why that might be. You're certainly not feeding young every day of your life.

I would much rather have my S.O find relief through porn while I'm away than find out that he cheated.

64 - breast size has NOTHING to do with how much milk a woman can produce. The amount of milk producing glands in a large breast is exactly the same as a small breast. The only difference between an A cup and a D cup is the amount of fat.

@61 I think he meant the size of them are not neccesairy. the fat stored in breasts is purely to arouse the other sex. just like butts, which are also originaly designed for arousal. though breasts themself are quite needed indeed.

antiprude. not all or mist men need porn to masturbate. I do most of mind in the shower. I have a brain and an active imagination. Some men, albeit a small number don't masturbate and some don't even have the desire for sex. research asexuality. I personally know some one who has sex less that twice a week, by choice. so I don't think she is lying.

#65, as I am just recently 27, and my partner is 28, we do not fall into the "middle-aged" category. He and I have sex at most once every two weeks, sometimes once a month. Sex is not required to happen every night. Now my partner does require a lot of masturbation, but not always does he use porn. I have a friend (30yrs old) who does not masturbate at all. He and his wife often go a month or two without sex. He has watched porn, but never for the act of masturbation.

@126. All that shows is you don't need that much sex. Your partner on the other hand does, hence his masturbation.

wait, hold up and back it up a little. 58, if you seriously believe you're bf does not masturbate..... uhhhhh. I don't even know how to finish this. No masturbation and sex once a week. Thumb me down if I'm wrong guys, but that doesn't add up to me simply because guys have their need. As well as women of course.

135: I can't believe how many people misinterpreted my comment. I said we SOMETIMES have sex once a week, not that that's how it always is or how it's always been. also, I used to be friends with a different dude who didn't masturbate (yes he was past puberty, I didn't even meet him until we were both 16 or 17). just because you've never met a guy who doesn't, doesn't mean that you suddenly have an accurate statistic for the entire planet. I agree that this is the weirdest argument I've ever seen on FML @[email protected]

Oh my.. why is this even an argument? I lived with my boyfriend for almost a year. we didn't have sex often and he never masturbated. he hasn't in almost 3 years. some guys prefer to wait for sex, even if it takes like 3 weeks to get some.

so where did antiprude run too?

Roid rage much?

Agreed. My husband is 33 and never ever masturbates. Unless he does it at work, in front of his employees...nawt. We just had a baby and we rarely have sex and hes fine. It seems like all these men who JUST CANT BELIEVE THAT THEIR ARE MEN WHO DONT MASTURBATE need hobbies. Or a satisfactory partner.

How can anybody possibly KNOW that their parter doesn't masterbate? Unless you are with them every second of the day(or while he's at home). He could do it in the shower for all you know. I know mine does. It's a bit fucked up for you to assume my fiancé needs a more satisfactory parter because he has a healthy sex drive. Mind you we have lots of sex.

I'm with you all the way 170. Me and my hubby have a great sex life, but when nature calls, he responds. I don't expect him not to, he is human. Better that than some other woman!

169: Hahahahahaha. Okay then. Might want to check his phone and credit card records.

Completely agree with you. I am a size E and could not produce enough milk to feed my newborn last year (30mls over 24 hours) however my friend who is an A cup has such am excess she had to express every couple of hours.

OMFG FISH TITIES THATS THE BEST EVER LOL

do people not consider the fact that not all men have high sex drives?

Everyone saying they would rather have their SO look at porn and jack off than cheat while you're not there...I would rather have my SO show some self control and restraint. There is no biological need to orgasm every day; there is no such thing as blue-balls, there are simply self-entitled males who believe they are owed an ejaculation every day and will use and imaginary condition to blackmail or wheedle their way into one. No man has ever died from not jacking off, show some self control. My SO doesn't watch porn when we're apart, we simply exchange dirty pics of each other. There is no need for either of us to look at porn or other images. He doesn't jack off at all when we're together, though he has a very high sex drive, and regardless of how often we have sex. He doesn't see any need to when I'm there, it makes him seem ungrateful and as though he's saying 'I don't need you, I can just as well get myself off.'

I guess whatever works right?

I think that's mean of you. Don't fake it, and certainly not with the love of your life.

Sometimes it's because he's the love of your life you fake it. Try being married fifteen years..the fireworks turn into a nice steady flame. Not a bad thing..

The FML's not clear. Yes, it's a useful tool every now and then. Nothing wrong with using it when needed. But if it's EVERY time then that's really un-fair to everyone involved. But even so, it still shouldn't be deceitful. When my wife plays along to make me happy she makes that clear to me. In other words, I know when she's just being nice to me and isn't into it. So even when she's "faking" she's never lying. It's possible to do one without the other. That's a lot healthier, emotionally, for both of us.

I have only faked once because he was trying for soo long and I felt bad. I didn't want the fact that he wasn't able to make me climax make him not want to try. I do regret faking it though, he was all smug for no reason. I asked for it :( lol

Phony sex, heh? C'mon, thumb me down.

I'm thumbing you up not for the pun (ok partly for the pun) but because you acknowledged the ridiculous amount of thumbs down this place gives