Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML
Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML
Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML
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Top comments
MaddogTotten 0
I would buy a shitton of that stuff.
jchansfan 0
You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao
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Comments (109)
Punkartmama 0
If it stings/burns when applied to your face, how did you really expect this to turn out?
kile88 2
hello.. lVaseline.. baby oil.. soap even?? WTF
JoeDotPadilla 0
That's disturbing. I'm emotionally scarred and will end up badly.
perdix 31
Don't worry, it's not going to stay that way for long. You've caused irreversible damage to the blood vessels and nerves, so your penis will go numb, shrivel up, turn many colors and fall off altogether in just a few short days. Problem solved.
HarperGirl 4
I KNOW YOUR JOKING ABOUT IT FALLING OFF OBVIOUSLY BUT ARE YOU JOKING ABOUT HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL ANYMORE
1221jamw 11
harpergirl- you obviously have never seen any of perdix's posts.
getreadysetfml 0
... :O ...:D me likee no fml here
DynamicDave 11
Don't worry! Before long, it'll be back to the size of a thumbtack!
FromCFL 0
Shampoo...conditioner...soap...mayonnaise...peanut butter...spit...snot.... YDI for being an idiot.
Dazzozo 0
Wait, snot?
ojosverdes26 6
I heard shampoo can hurt really bad... And peanut butter? WTF? You want peanut butter to get stuck in your peehole? You'll smell like Reese's Pieces for days.
Zfontaine04 8
Someones been buisy XD
jcbinglis 7
Shampoo only hurts if you get one that has a bunch of chemicals. The more natural ones don't hurt.
ojosverdes26 6
Hahaha... It probably looks like he has a constant erection in his pants now. Hey, maybe the OP will pick up some women. And, hopefully, by the time they get down and dirty, his dick won't be swollen anymore...
AHS79 0
obviously he cant get anything anyways
perdix 31
Oh, Mercy, you make the memories come flooding back. I remember those "Members Only" jackets had those words embroidered right at the top of the little pocket. In the 80's, I used to tell people that the only thing you can put in that pocket is your penis. For the record, I had a blue one. A Members Only jacket, that is, not a member. . . well, except the time I tried that rubber band trick, but let's not talk about that.
TriniRockStar 0
umm why didn't you just buy more lotion