Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML
Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML
Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML
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Top comments
MaddogTotten 0
I would buy a shitton of that stuff.
jchansfan 0
You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao
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Comments (109)
Improbability 0
This is by far one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. That and someone using Icy Hot. Not sure which is more stupid at the moment...
tsubasa_fml 0
HAHA reminds me of the time my friend accidentally got pepper spray on his hands then went and masturbated. he screamed like a girl for hours.
rikard_fml 0
friend fail!
not_my_life 0
I remember an Eddie Murphy routine about that. His grandmother asked him "Baby, baby, why you put your d**k in the sink?"
LikeOhMahGoose 0
Uh no shit there's alcohol in that stuff dumbass. And no. It is not good. It is swollen meaning puffy and disgusting not bigger and I don't see why size matters anyway. But you're a dumbass ydi
magiczipperman 0
dude YDI all the way. where was the logic when u thought "oh this stuff that i put on my face that makes i sting would definitely feel good on my penis"
hogermite 0
intoxicunt is one of those bitches who takes every comment as a slight against women and feels the need to defend herself.....you forget your place. you are on this earth to make sammwiches, open your legs when asked to, and service men with outstanding fellatio when you are bleeding. remember, women are to be seen, not heard. although, judging from your picture, I wouldn't mind never seeing your ugly FACE ever again.
omghehehe 0
What??! Idk about your 1st and last sentence, but the rest??? You're joking right??? LOL :D Or......do u hate women?? WTF?! I hope you don't hit your women too I truly hope it was a joke and your not really like this (sigh)
perdix 31
hogermite, I'm sure your mom is proud of you. Did you send her a copy of this brilliant comment? I think she'd be so proud of what kind of man she brought into the world.
omghehehe 0
:) ahhh, my smile is back. thanks :*
kgy 0
pathetic
somebodyshy 0
I can't believe nobody has recommended Mr. Intelligence get himself to the doctor.
jchansfan 0
We want him to suffer.
Gandalf_Baggins 4
at summer camp my whole cabin put aftershave on our sacks, i was hardly affected, unlike my commrades.
srak 0
call me ;)
lstenzel 0
Natural selection. At least we don't have to worry about your genes tainting the next generation.
rabar007 0
Hahahaha that made my day