Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML
Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML
Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
MaddogTotten 0
I would buy a shitton of that stuff.
jchansfan 0
You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (109)
fakepolice 0
lucky!!!
another_guy 0
ewwww!
coolsteve 0
why did you need lotion (unless you dont have a complete member) in which case i pity you
omghehehe 0
huh? complete = uncut?
Mx_Rider 6
what happened to the good ol methods ***spit*** :p
ifmlftw 0
that's what I'm saying hahahaha
little_lyn 0
unsanitary
liamliam 0
ouch!!!!!!!!!
herbertx 0
you sound like the smartest person in your family
omghehehe 0
date with the hannah sisters ;) ouch!! a normal size "member" to a fist? really??? if so, u must be allergic to something too. abnormally huge for u: benadryl, cool packs, and hydrocortisone cream. mild to moderately swollen: cream only and lots of lube during sex when mr. "member" is better. damn! scared of u :D
Burr_fml 0
lol v didn't have lotion or lubricant watever it's called when I was out with my bf....I just used spit..... lol
whysoserious22 0
u say that like it's a bad thing ;)
Burr_fml 0
it's not a bad thing.... just that there is nothing wrong with using spit