Intimacy, Health and Wanker: Ouch - FML

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 7 361

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Same thing different taste

By soapy - 01/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 075

You deserved it 8 935

By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 691

You deserved it 352

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 677

You deserved it 33 481

Pissed

By Matt - 13/04/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, at work, I wet my pants. I had to throw my tighty-whities away. Since I didn't have underwear on, I chafed real bad and got a rash on my butthole and near my balls. I had to push my boyfriend off of me, all because it hurt too much to touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 530

Take it easy on yourself

By Anonymous - 25/04/2022 00:01

Spicy

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 1 661

Snowflake

By Bullocks - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not with any of the sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 573

You deserved it 4 535

Sexy moves

By what sex life? - 02/08/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Spicy

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 291

You deserved it 2 896

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 592

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 1 271

By Philip - 17/02/2017 16:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 875

You deserved it 1 659

Next

Top comments

NostalgiaFreak9 41

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

Brian Brown_512904633 10

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 34

Thursday 18 October 2018 21:22

I should console you, but I'm too busy laughing. What the hell made you think that was a good idea?

Yudith 24

Sunday 4 November 2018 2:13

Double Pleasure condoms?

RichardPencil 30

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:02

You should have aborted the mission way before you reached the point of no return!

Brian Brown_512904633 10

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

RichardPencil 30

Saturday 3 November 2018 4:43

Coarse

snake_gal 8

Saturday 3 November 2018 7:06

it's a college course on sandpaper

whiskey'swino 15

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:20

I'm a girl and even I know lotion for the motion.

swervelol 28

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:37

My face soap has little beads in there and I hope to God that you weren't using someone's face soap and just put it back. Sorry about your pp op but you kind of deserve that one.

NostalgiaFreak9 41

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

ChromoTec 24

Saturday 3 November 2018 4:24

This is what happens when you fail no-nut November

Chloe555_fml 27

Saturday 3 November 2018 4:27

Next time, conditioner. If there is a next time, lol!

EpicOracle 23

Saturday 3 November 2018 10:07

on the brighter side, you just exfoliated your dick. congrats :)

Phillycheeze 20

Saturday 3 November 2018 11:53

Dude... It's ok to rub one out. But man you beat that thing like it owed you money.... ouch! Hope you heal soon...

Keywords

Awkward Friends Love Miscellaneous Cute Haircut Relatable Work Cars You're fired Parenting Kids Family DIY Cats Sex Intimacy Am I overreacting? Poopoo peepee Management Frustration Capitalism Coworkers Transportation Dogs Animals ADHD Dating Mental health Health

The Top

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him "Meow" over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin, and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 634

You deserved it 68 712

Today, I was just told by a hiring manager that the reasons I'm not getting interviews is because I have a spotty work history. My work history is spotty because my mother ignores my food allergies so she can get attention and, as a result, I'm chronically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 198

You deserved it 208

The Top

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 979

You deserved it 25 689

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 236

You deserved it 11 046

Today, my 6 year-old told me that he was stealing the fan I just bought. I told him he could have it for $25. He said, "What, you think I’m made of money?" My response was, "Well, you think I’m made of money." He replied, "Isn’t that what MOM stands for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 372

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 096

You deserved it 2 376

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 957

You deserved it 3 204

Today, my boyfriend and I were finishing in the bedroom; he pulled out and finished on my stomach. Then he figured that was the time to quote Shrek, saying, "Better out than in I always say." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 058

You deserved it 362