Intimacy and Health: Ouch - FML

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 7 080

Intimacy Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

Own it

This Charming Man

By Lickmebaby - 12/02/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 683

You deserved it 498

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 12:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my sister recorded the sound of me having intense diarrhea, retching at the stench, and eventually breaking down in tears. I only found out when I saw she'd posted it online, with the caption "lol #gaytard #sorrynotsorry". I've never been called a pussy by so many people before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 939

You deserved it 3 976

By SHIIIIITTTT - 10/08/2012 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 1 769

By frmitalywithlove - 11/01/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 578

You deserved it 4 044

My boobs don't lie

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 22:01 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I got a fancy new bra made of organic cotton. Or, well, the outside of it is. The inside, which actually touches my skin, is made of 100% polyester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 147

By Noname - 05/03/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536 052

You deserved it 52 939

By Anonymous - 09/11/2014 07:51

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 895

You deserved it 7 564

By Gasman - 15/07/2017 15:30 - New Zealand

Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip 2 massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 467

You deserved it 3 059

By Anonymous - 04/03/2013 08:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to find that my parents had replaced my regular alarm clock with a walking one that requires you to get up and find it. The alarm was set to 5:00AM, which would have been fine if it wasn't the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 154

You deserved it 3 871

Boundaries please!

By mary - 08/06/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me because I still close the door when I go to the bathroom. He pees and poops with the door wide open and expects me to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 734

You deserved it 403

By smsmall - 03/10/2011 12:08 - United States

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 298

You deserved it 4 165

By Jenbearish - 16/08/2016 04:58

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 758

You deserved it 1 056

By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/06/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 978

You deserved it 3 807

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 10:34 - United States - Sanford

Spicy

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 161

You deserved it 6 990

By lonethong15 - 08/08/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 687

You deserved it 3 896

By Anonymous - 09/05/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 292

You deserved it 5 000

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 601

You deserved it 4 453

Pincushion

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 23:00

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 1 901

By Anon - 22/04/2013 07:19 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 197

You deserved it 126 061

By Eisenhorn - 10/06/2015 17:55 - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 560

You deserved it 2 119

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 01:55 - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 204

You deserved it 1 617

By The Last Cockbender - 06/10/2012 17:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 426

You deserved it 2 520

By nobieb - 20/08/2013 16:28 - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 059

You deserved it 3 588

By Employee - 07/08/2012 19:17 - United States - Lincoln

Today, while at work, I used the restroom. After I noticed we were out of paper towels, I just tried shaking my hands dry. I then readjusted my bra, since it'd been driving me crazy all day. After getting back to my cubicle, I realized that I had two wet handprints over my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 378

You deserved it 12 572

By LibraryPedo - 26/04/2013 01:37 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was yelled at and called a pedophile by a mom for talking to her 5 year old girl. I work at a library and she looked like she needed help. This is the third time it has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 852

You deserved it 4 043

Are you?

By lxygrl - 20/07/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 106

By bob7654 - 11/11/2016 02:44 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 185

You deserved it 2 087

By Username - 17/03/2011 04:04

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 759

You deserved it 5 223

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 12:49

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 244

You deserved it 2 345

By Chey1309 - 29/06/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 987

You deserved it 6 229

By loveloves154 - 30/03/2018 15:00

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 893

You deserved it 245

By DiskJockey - 05/08/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on Ebay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 989

You deserved it 11 891

By Ecce - 10/07/2010 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 498

You deserved it 3 187

By Joel - 02/09/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 046

You deserved it 6 251

By Desiree_lianne - 26/03/2016 21:02 - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 952

You deserved it 2 959

By fuck me - 28/11/2013 19:13 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 967

You deserved it 3 649

Nice boxers

By Harmonia - 26/01/2009 10:09 - France

Today, I went shopping with my boyfriend. He tried on a pair of trousers which didn't fit, so he asked me to change them, so off I went. I returned with another pair for him to try on, found him bent over and blurted out, "What's with the terrible underwear?" I'd entered the wrong changing room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 800

You deserved it 9 433

By too good - 24/10/2014 10:54 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 902

You deserved it 14 465

By Anonymous - 11/02/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 462

You deserved it 7 877

By Anonymous - 19/07/2013 16:41 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 355

You deserved it 4 306

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Top comments

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

Brian Brown_512904633 10

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Thursday 18 October 2018 21:22

I should console you, but I'm too busy laughing. What the hell made you think that was a good idea?

Yudith 20

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Sunday 4 November 2018 2:13

Double Pleasure condoms?

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:02

You should have aborted the mission way before you reached the point of no return!

Brian Brown_512904633 10

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 3 November 2018 4:43

Coarse

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Saturday 3 November 2018 7:06

it's a college course on sandpaper

whiskey'swino 15

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:20

I'm a girl and even I know lotion for the motion.

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:37

My face soap has little beads in there and I hope to God that you weren't using someone's face soap and just put it back. Sorry about your pp op but you kind of deserve that one.

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

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Saturday 3 November 2018 4:24

This is what happens when you fail no-nut November

Chloe555_fml 27

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Saturday 3 November 2018 4:27

Next time, conditioner. If there is a next time, lol!

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Saturday 3 November 2018 10:07

on the brighter side, you just exfoliated your dick. congrats :)

Phillycheeze 20

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Saturday 3 November 2018 11:53

Dude... It's ok to rub one out. But man you beat that thing like it owed you money.... ouch! Hope you heal soon...

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 36

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 88

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 760