Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the... - FML

By RKE - 5/11/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

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Breaking Badly

Race against the clock

This is fine

By gmian - 6/12/2015 05:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

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By markzar - 5/5/2012 07:19 - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By please leave... - 13/2/2013 19:33 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 11:03 - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

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By rain - 1/6/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

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By SoClose - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 23:36 - United States - San Antonio

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

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By Chan - 26/9/2011 01:57 - United States

Today, I spilled hot coffee all over this man at work. I tried apologizing and saying it was an accident, but he then complained, which resulted in me being unemployed. The man I spilled coffee on was my uncle. FML

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By the fuck? - 5/3/2016 09:49 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

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By ABD - 15/12/2017 01:30

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 07:18 - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By inpuredeceit - 17/3/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my bosses office, I hear her ask her assistant "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

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By wherefelix - 3/7/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

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By Madridsta - 28/6/2014 06:28 - United States - Rialto

Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML

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By BarCrush - 22/2/2018 19:00

"friend"

Today, and for the past two months, I've been going to the bar with my friends quite regularly because I have a massive crush on the cute bartender. Being quite shy, I asked my friend if he could be my wingman so I could finally talk to her properly. He took her home. FML

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By lissysue1 - 12/7/2012 19:23 - United States - Green Bay

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

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By Wealthyparrot - 10/5/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By mainlineloser - 28/11/2014 05:25 - United States - Narberth

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

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By wallbanger - 7/2/2010 12:31 - Australia

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 05:42 - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

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By anonymous - 3/12/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By uofpalum - 19/3/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 21:57 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

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By Jenn - 3/7/2013 02:39 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

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By - 8/2/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML

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By jkim - 8/9/2014 17:56 - United States - San Diego

Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML

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By preggo - 4/12/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

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By Whywhywhy - 20/8/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 23:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

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By BigLove - 5/2/2014 02:25 - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

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By - 30/5/2019 23:30 - India - Pune

Send help!

Today, I've managed to lock myself in my own bedroom. It won't open no matter what I do. FML

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By Aly - 9/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

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By Unlucky - 24/5/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 09:35 - Australia

Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML

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By sammatthews2007 - 25/2/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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By Ashley - 14/10/2019 22:00

Fire…?

Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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Top comments

By shimaSTARS | 0

#655823 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:34

Unless you were on the team, than that would be pretty harsh, considering your coach doesn't know you. As far as I know, seems like you just followed them. Doesn't make you 'earn' a certificate for going to practices for your own time.

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#655858 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:07

Are you that kid who sits in the back of the class that everyone always forgets to pass a test to? You know, that kid who gets the "Have a great summer" message on the yearbook? And for the life of them, they can never remember your name?

If so, I am sorry. *pat back* It will be okay buddy, it will be okay.

COMMENTS

By UpYourself | 0

#655806 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:19

Oo dam thats harsh

By shimaSTARS | 0

#655823 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:34

Unless you were on the team, than that would be pretty harsh, considering your coach doesn't know you. As far as I know, seems like you just followed them. Doesn't make you 'earn' a certificate for going to practices for your own time.

By marshmallowmouse | 0

#655830 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:38

I agree with #2, but a coach should definitely know who is at practice.

By prinzessin_fml | 0

#655840 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:49

fishy....maybe you are not really on the team....

By SenGaeriel | 3

#655845 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:54

Maybe he's a team stalker.

By blastvortex | 3

#655857 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:06

It's pretty obvious that you did leave much of an impression. LOL

Like #2 mentioned, you're wording is rather dubious, so I can't even tell if it's a YDI or an FML. Yeesh.

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#655858 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:07

Are you that kid who sits in the back of the class that everyone always forgets to pass a test to? You know, that kid who gets the "Have a great summer" message on the yearbook? And for the life of them, they can never remember your name?

If so, I am sorry. *pat back* It will be okay buddy, it will be okay.

By jchansfan | 0

#655861 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:10

Sooo... Who are you?

By omghehehe | 0

#655862 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:11

LOL :D Sorry, its late. WTF?! better? ;)

But then again, #6 has a point. "with" hmmm, suspicious...

By Mx_Rider | 6

#655913 - Thursday 5 November 2009 11:35

fake,dgaf wat "anyone" says. nuff said later babes :p

Reply

HookEmTexas07 | 0

#656352 - Thursday 5 November 2009 18:50

Thank you for that coherent, well though-out response.

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#656413 - Thursday 5 November 2009 20:08

I'm willing to bet you lost your virginity before you hit puberty.

Or, as you would probably say, yer a slag. nuff said later babes.