Miscellaneous: Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the... - FML

By RKE - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

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I don't wanna

Not a good look

Family values

By :( - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

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By peevedemployee - United States

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

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By apparently_disabled - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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By peachykeen - United States - Savannah

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

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By CoCo - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

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By Harry - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

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By A-64 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

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By marie - 2/12/2020 23:02 - United States - San Jose

Gamers rise up

Today, after a stressful day at work, I just wanted to go home and play video games. And then I broke my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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By Chuffy - United States - Loveland

Today, I followed my neighbor's advice and sprayed Sprite on my Christmas tree because it will "make it live longer." I just came downstairs to find my Christmas tree covered in ants. FML

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By hellosaila - United States

Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

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By he is going to hell - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

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By Cheese4men - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML

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By oD_Ronan - United States - Olympia

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

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By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

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By Rob

Today, I was in my bedroom with my boyfriend and we were kissing. My mom then came into my room and started shouting at my boyfriend for cheating on her. FML

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By malicemassacre - 17/1/2021 23:01

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

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By imgonnadie - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I'm staying with my grandma and her older sister while my parents are away. It's been two hours and so far they've popped vicodins, talked about banging Alex Trebek, and had a farting contest. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I splurged thousands of dollars on the breed of dog that I've loved since I was a kid from a reputable breeder. He is allergic to all food except the 24lb food for $70 and has sensitivities galore, including a seizure from a shot. I've spent $5,000 in vet bills in the first week. FML

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By angry - United Kingdom

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

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By catattack78 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By fabiennemorin35 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

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By anoymus - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

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By facepalm - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my teenage daughter found out that she's pregnant, but insists she's still a virgin. Who does she think knocked her up? God? FML

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By ShutUp007 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if life gives you lemons, your sister is going to squeeze them over your face while you take a nap on the couch. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Mon?var

Today, I slipped and fell down the stairs, landing hard on my knee. Through my screams of agony, my mom accused me of exaggerating the pain, and said I was just being an attention seeker, before finally taking me to hospital. I was told my leg was broken. She refused to apologize. FML

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By clueless - Canada

Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

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By fuzzle003 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was riding on my usual bus, when I noticed a man staring at me. I was having a really bad day, and said "Can you please stop staring at me?" He then replied with "I'm just trying to look out the window, and your head is in the way. Don't flatter yourself." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

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Top comments

By shimaSTARS | 0

#655823 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:34

Unless you were on the team, than that would be pretty harsh, considering your coach doesn't know you. As far as I know, seems like you just followed them. Doesn't make you 'earn' a certificate for going to practices for your own time.

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#655858 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:07

Are you that kid who sits in the back of the class that everyone always forgets to pass a test to? You know, that kid who gets the "Have a great summer" message on the yearbook? And for the life of them, they can never remember your name?

If so, I am sorry. *pat back* It will be okay buddy, it will be okay.

COMMENTS

By UpYourself | 0

#655806 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:19

Oo dam thats harsh

By shimaSTARS | 0

#655823 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:34

Unless you were on the team, than that would be pretty harsh, considering your coach doesn't know you. As far as I know, seems like you just followed them. Doesn't make you 'earn' a certificate for going to practices for your own time.

By marshmallowmouse | 0

#655830 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:38

I agree with #2, but a coach should definitely know who is at practice.

By prinzessin_fml | 0

#655840 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:49

fishy....maybe you are not really on the team....

By SenGaeriel | 3

#655845 - Thursday 5 November 2009 9:54

Maybe he's a team stalker.

By blastvortex | 3

#655857 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:06

It's pretty obvious that you did leave much of an impression. LOL

Like #2 mentioned, you're wording is rather dubious, so I can't even tell if it's a YDI or an FML. Yeesh.

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#655858 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:07

Are you that kid who sits in the back of the class that everyone always forgets to pass a test to? You know, that kid who gets the "Have a great summer" message on the yearbook? And for the life of them, they can never remember your name?

If so, I am sorry. *pat back* It will be okay buddy, it will be okay.

By jchansfan | 0

#655861 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:10

Sooo... Who are you?

By omghehehe | 0

#655862 - Thursday 5 November 2009 10:11

LOL :D Sorry, its late. WTF?! better? ;)

But then again, #6 has a point. "with" hmmm, suspicious...

By Mx_Rider | 6

#655913 - Thursday 5 November 2009 11:35

fake,dgaf wat "anyone" says. nuff said later babes :p

Reply

HookEmTexas07 | 0

#656352 - Thursday 5 November 2009 18:50

Thank you for that coherent, well though-out response.

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#656413 - Thursday 5 November 2009 20:08

I'm willing to bet you lost your virginity before you hit puberty.

Or, as you would probably say, yer a slag. nuff said later babes.