Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook...

By Alex - 7/10/2010 10:10 - United States

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

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Love

Long story short

Who's a good boy?

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Nastiaa - 15/2/2009 15:49 - Estonia

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

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By Graham Watson - 1/7/2019 16:00

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achille's heel problem. I was dreaming of running down stairs. I then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

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By Lolaa123 - 25/9/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

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By Allie - 23/11/2018 12:00

Today, right after I finished writing a very important paper and saved it to my hard drive, my barely 2-year-old Macbook decided to completely stop functioning. I went to the Apple store and even they can't get it to turn on. That's $1500 down the drain along with my grade. FML

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By krisest1988 - 7/5/2016 21:34 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home from a two week vacation and told me I need to move. FML

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By crazy_bitch122 - 29/6/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, while making love, he farted. And blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 02:12

Grand Old Irony

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2015 19:03 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

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By oopsie - 24/5/2009 14:50 - Canada

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

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By ElleSavage - 26/5/2018 01:30

Today, I finally found a dress I'd been missing for months. It was in a casket, on my recently deceased cousin. FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - 13/4/2015 02:51 - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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By dammit33 - 28/5/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 02:55 - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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By boudinette - 15/4/2015 10:14 - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

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By jigglepuff - 9/2/2014 17:00 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By nhyari - 25/8/2014 18:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML

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By - 12/2/2020 14:00 - United States

Almost father

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

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By DoesNotLikeCubes - 6/7/2009 20:08 - Qatar

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 18:58 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

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By abrooks88 - 8/2/2012 16:53 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

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By DaChief - 31/5/2016 03:17 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 04:01 - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 14:00

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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By snitchovich - 27/5/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

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By Trama1201 - 4/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

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By ClearOne - 12/5/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

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By SadOral - 3/7/2019 00:01

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

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By - 6/12/2019 20:00

He leads a double life

Today, I met my boyfriends family, his mother asked me if I am the girl who drives a Jeep that he had been sneaking in every night. But, I drive a Honda. FML

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By rejected - 28/7/2014 22:09 - United States - Milpitas

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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By Noname - 9/1/2009 11:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Good job!

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

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By mainlaw - 4/12/2009 17:33 - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

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By neverforgetyourphone - 5/3/2015 01:18 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By worthless - 3/4/2011 00:51 - United States

Today, I was reading my boyfriend's online diary. It started off really sweet, saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me, and how he utterly adored me. It then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me, all because I have a low sex-drive. FML

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Top comments

By Tootsiee | 0

#1512080 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:10

I suggest you not eat her cooking and watch her carefully

By lindsaymccue | 0

#1512076 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:10

OP, you should hide.

COMMENTS

By blakehilli8 | 0

#1512065 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:08

first ftw

loveyaforev | 0

#1512112 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:13

sorry to say, but you fail. try again next time

Dodlaf_fml | 4

#1512289 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:35

#15. you fail. so shut up.

sapphirestar | 0

#1512688 - Thursday 7 October 2010 17:42

hey #2, i like snsd too! ^^ haha

memiimariee | 0

#1513283 - Thursday 7 October 2010 20:08

#38. you win Buddy!!!

breenarae25 | 0

#1514592 - Friday 8 October 2010 2:40

ur 2 like doo doo

rozmrong | 0

#1526681 - Sunday 10 October 2010 9:52

LOL. I am sure I will be a good husband. are you single or...?

By truededication | 0

#1512070 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

GhostDuck | 30

#5082061 - Thursday 25 October 2012 21:12

By hre | 0

#1512072 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

xdeadxradiox | 0

#1512125 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:14

Dude, don't say that! The other FMLers might attack you!

biass | 0

#1512244 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:30

you badstard! how dare you moderate! idc if it is in you basic abilitys, you don't ever, EVER, moderate.

(JP)

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1512568 - Thursday 7 October 2010 17:20

HOW COULD YOU!?

squad81 | 0

#1512754 - Thursday 7 October 2010 17:53

ATTACK!

samuel18 | 0

#1512822 - Thursday 7 October 2010 18:14

WTF does moderate mean?

DocBastard | 38

#1512936 - Thursday 7 October 2010 18:43

killa, please don't speak my name in vain.

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1512955 - Thursday 7 October 2010 18:50

Actually, he said Badstard.

biass | 0

#1513311 - Thursday 7 October 2010 20:11

I am a child of the spell-check generation. though I usually get words right... anyways I apologise for almost using your name in vain. also thanks for not being an ass about my spelling error, I appriciate it.

nond2nv | 4

#1513385 - Thursday 7 October 2010 20:28

*appreciate

hehe :)

surrnam | 0

#1634659 - Monday 1 November 2010 5:10

fag

stupidmonkey80 | 0

#2717717 - Sunday 19 June 2011 21:26

lol

TheOtherMakona | 0

#2864441 - Monday 11 July 2011 3:51

19- I love your singamajig!!

cjwalsh86 | 0

#4113613 - Friday 2 March 2012 9:40

Apologize...appreciate. I think you fail.

coming back in the future | 30

#6095482 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 9:27

Moderate in moderation.

By lindsaymccue | 0

#1512076 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:10

OP, you should hide.

biass | 0

#1512294 - Thursday 7 October 2010 16:36

dude I agree. if she put that on there and people are saying "finally", they were either planning your death or it'd be a convience to them. watch out, so you don't get into any "accidents". seriously.