Love: Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of...

By nottelling7012 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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Love

Dementia or hate? You decide

And today, on Dr Phil…

Not gonna happen

By Clunker - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

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By RIPJarJar

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By kayin - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

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By Camera - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I had to get a colonoscopy. Which wouldn't have been so bad if they had removed the camera from my rectum before waking me up. FML

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By soapisyourfriend - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we were eating supper soon so I could take a nap. She said "no" so I went into my room and fell asleep. When I woke up, everybody was gone. My entire family of 6 went to Olive Garden while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a girl I work with was talking to me in an Eeyore voice. I'm not sure if it's because she's sad and pathetic, or if she thinks I'm sad and pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to the airport with my mom, who requested a wheelchair for me, since I have a broken leg. I'm 24. Embarrassed, I insisted I push myself around, instead of an airline assistant doing it. A few seconds later, I crash into the same airline assistant, who then falls back into my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

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By Terri-Lynn - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

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By buggedout - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

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By smashed - United States

Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML

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By Pissy

Today, I was traveling home with my four-year-old son. While we were standing in line at the security checkpoint, I hear the sound of water dripping and turned to find my son urinating on the floor. He'd read a sign that said we weren't allowed to take any liquids with us. FML

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By DroppedTheSoap - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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By cheat - United States

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

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By RandomLG94 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 12:01 - United States - Phoenix

Mother knows best

Today, while visiting my parents, I observed that I've been able to visit more often because I've avoided getting sick the whole year. My mother responded by reminding me that I need to get my act together if I'm going to lose weight and get healthier. Not the reaction I hoped for, Mom. FML

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By sa la vash - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

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By anonyme - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

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By JellyBite - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

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By someone - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By BellinaNico - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

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By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02

Noise annoys

Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Carmel

Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

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By mongoosemike

Today, I walked downstairs, made a bowl of hot cereal, and held a full conversation with my brother's girlfriend, before I finally put two and two together and realized I hadn't put any pants on. FML

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Top comments

By FFML_314 | 11

#1316607 - Sunday 29 August 2010 12:00

You should have tied her to the fridge and made her watch you put the plates in random cupboards.

By wd0 | 1

#1316554 - Sunday 29 August 2010 11:54

that's an important issue though

COMMENTS

By wd0 | 1

#1316554 - Sunday 29 August 2010 11:54

that's an important issue though

Shookitup | 0

#1316673 - Sunday 29 August 2010 12:15

sucks.

bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#1316751 - Sunday 29 August 2010 12:25

YDI for not recognizing a lame excuse. She obviously just wanted rid of you. Move on.

mintcar | 9

#1316942 - Sunday 29 August 2010 13:01

1, it's a very important issue. Sometimes, you just can't make compromises.

iSitt | 0

#1317235 - Sunday 29 August 2010 14:59

it was a test to see if you would submit to her meekly.

I_have_no_clue | 0

#1317268 - Sunday 29 August 2010 15:08

Is this a metaphor for sex?

Griggy | 0

#1317286 - Sunday 29 August 2010 15:12

You shouldn't feel bad. If she's dumping you over cupboards you need to drop her ass like a stone.

iTaylor | 0

#1317713 - Sunday 29 August 2010 16:40

lol 26
and if cupboards broke you up, it wasn't meant to be

emmaleeislamee | 0

#1317725 - Sunday 29 August 2010 16:42

lmao @26

OP, she was probably just looking for a reason to dump you.

sheribb | 5

#1317739 - Sunday 29 August 2010 16:46

ur from Melbourne too awesome! seriously ur girl is lame breaking up over where to put the frigin plates!!!

noscope_ftw | 0

#1317948 - Sunday 29 August 2010 17:29

more like ydi for moving in after dating for only 6 months

legonut6 | 0

#1317967 - Sunday 29 August 2010 17:32

I agree with @40.

twinny_sc | 13

#1317987 - Sunday 29 August 2010 17:34

YDI for moving in together after six months.

flotar | 0

#1318557 - Sunday 29 August 2010 20:12

Sounds like an important issue to me! I'm a divorce attorney, and I'll try to use that "creative differences" excuse to see what happens lol. sorry op.