Love: Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting...

By plasticfantastic - United Kingdom

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

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Love

Commando

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

How's your hovel?

By Dafuq happen there - South Africa

Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML

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By sick in Vegas - United States

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

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By GrandmaShakers - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

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By PISSED - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I call her to find out where she lives. She answers the phone only to hear my father yelling in the background, "stop talking to that whore." FML

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By thanksjill - United States

Today, our school went to an elementary school to read to the kids. One of the girls in my group asked me if she could switch into another group, so I asked her what was wrong with mine. She said, "Nothing, I wanna be in her group. She's prettier." I was insulted by a kindergartner. FML

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By FabFor87 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

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By tracie - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By faceless_sailor8 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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By Isabelle18 - Canada

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

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By dazzla08 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

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By metalmusic - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States - Henderson

Today, after spending a lazy day at home, I went to UPS with my mom to help her pick up a package. While in line, she sent me back to the car because I'm, "an embarrassment to be around" when I'm not wearing makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

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39517

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By booo - United States - Minden

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

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By Tired - United States

Today, I got home from work to find the door locked and dead bolted, so I used my cell to call the home phone while banging on the door. My stepmom came out of her room, looked right at me, laughed, and went back to bed. This is the fifth time she's done this. FML

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By jada - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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37256

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By meee - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By Anonymous

Office life sucks

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm a 22 year-old guy with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

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By Damnlife123 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

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By blahblah - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

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By Mustanggt - 1/11/2020 14:01 - United States - Rochester

The diet plan from hell

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

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By taurus05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By arace15336 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

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By just socially awkward

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 02:01

Ironic

Today, I overheard my caucasian mother on the phone lamenting to a friend that her future grandchildren won’t “look American”. Any future grandchildren of hers would be half Lakota native. FML

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By Sam - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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37948

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By Rabite - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

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By Tiana - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML

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55145

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By justfired - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

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By Bobsaget00 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

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By ANON - United States - Sacramento

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

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53914

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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10326

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By bronzemedal97 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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48502

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By nicklesg - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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57290

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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11504

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

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59008

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By DrunkGirl - France

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

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9605

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By gahdamnit - Australia

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

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Top comments

By siklee | 0

#142377 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:06

How would you know this if your eyes weren't open too?

By FBIWarning | 0

#142362 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:03

That guys facial expression must of been priceless!

COMMENTS

By Sum414141 | 0

#142360 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:03

thats not a FML

natho_fml | 0

#977727 - Sunday 11 April 2010 13:10

I'm guessing the op was meant to say weren't open and the guy shot forward into her face.

Allstarr23 | 1

#1800975 - Monday 6 December 2010 6:20

Then your eyes must have been open as well or you wouldn't have known his were.

justinHerry | 0

#3273666 - Sunday 11 September 2011 20:28

Sydney92 | 3

#4063458 - Tuesday 21 February 2012 2:19

^trolling at it's worst

By FBIWarning | 0

#142362 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:03

That guys facial expression must of been priceless!

By Four | 0

#142364 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:03

LMAO I can totally see that.
Did he make a sound like, "Boogawoogawooga" too?

Bstaut | 8

#1623673 - Saturday 30 October 2010 2:41

Haha for your number and name, it says "3 - Four" lol

DoctorKyda | 5

#3403541 - Saturday 8 October 2011 6:17

No shit, Sherlock.

blizzy09 | 10

#6476974 - Friday 4 December 2015 4:53

Someone's rude.

By JustBeatIt | 0

#142369 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:05

Big deal, that's not a FML situation.

acassella | 3

#5397527 - Friday 8 March 2013 21:31

It's equivalent to stepping on a Lego

By siklee | 0

#142377 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:06

How would you know this if your eyes weren't open too?

llcooljoey | 0

#920713 - Sunday 7 March 2010 6:10

good point

By nicadeo | 0

#142380 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:06

haha that is so weird

By QiScorpion | 0

#142381 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:06

sounds like a bit of a dick and a guy to avoid.

xtfauthorx | 0

#1019360 - Friday 4 June 2010 22:58

at least he didn't pull his dick out?

By ejvlols | 0

#142383 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:07

omg wow thats sooooo scary.
suck it up ho, this isnt an fml

By IloveFML1 | 0

#142386 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:07

this sucks

By xHaniffax | 0

#142387 - Saturday 25 April 2009 20:08

Who the hell moderates these? This is not an FML.