By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 03:00

Poor me

Today, I finally kissed the guy I really love at a party. He took me outside and immediately vomited. FML

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1822

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Insane parents

Night terrors

By djshahso - 26/2/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

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7639

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By suosi - 26/7/2015 17:55 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

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24989

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2135

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By shando - 8/11/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I went to a petting zoo with my niece and nephew. While we were checking out the llamas, one of them spit directly into my face. Disgusted and embarrassed, we turned away to pet a deer. The deer immediately urinated then shook its tail which splattered it into my face. FML

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34461

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3423

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By anonymous - 7/3/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

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32787

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2729

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By fffemaleee - 31/5/2015 18:21 - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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31155

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3928

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By .... - 24/12/2013 02:48 - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

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44941

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3704

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By transcendingnerd - 13/4/2015 10:46 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

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33532

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3062

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By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21953

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36783

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By Notthatone - 21/4/2015 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35282

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3990

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By Byron fiddles - 24/2/2009 11:57 - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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24957

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By whyme - 7/2/2012 06:38 - United States

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

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23634

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2098

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By latepayer - 13/10/2009 15:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I owed my school $0.20. They decided to charge me a late fee of $20 for deferring the intial payment. FML

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30751

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4008

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By horp - 29/9/2015 22:00 - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

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26580

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By YOURMOM - 31/12/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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29937

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By iamScaredyCat - 3/4/2020 20:00

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

765

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1497

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By Kwalker3 - 6/5/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

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36229

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4109

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By where do they come from - 1/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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51511

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By besviken - 18/11/2012 22:53 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

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44234

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6286

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By rimenrezon - 6/1/2015 14:10 - United States - Tampa

Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33804

You deserved it

2461

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2015 15:15 - United States - Lompoc

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36367

You deserved it

2262

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 15:54 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend saw my boobs for the first time. His reaction was, "Well that's... disappointing". FML

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59345

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By and she blames me -_- - 13/10/2013 21:50 - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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49169

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4324

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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2113

You deserved it

197

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By chickennoodlesoup - 21/5/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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51994

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6336

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By uni life - 15/5/2012 08:08 - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

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31025

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By can't eat paper - 11/5/2014 01:34 - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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46661

You deserved it

11367

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By imwithapples22 - 29/1/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, the last customer of the night shift handed me their money along with a wad of their hair. FML

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28592

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2380

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By Mak1 - 5/12/2008 08:12 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

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79480

You deserved it

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By swallowsafly - 8/6/2019 04:00

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2017

You deserved it

116

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By rosie21030 - 24/7/2017 10:33 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4889

You deserved it

732

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By unknown - 17/12/2012 11:37 - Canada

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

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33388

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By msleea - 6/5/2015 04:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30368

You deserved it

3817

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By brad3720 - 14/4/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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67330

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7505

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

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29139

You deserved it

51063

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By apparently-a-shed - 5/3/2013 12:20 - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

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28338

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By Mike - 17/9/2019 02:02 - United States - Los Angeles

The Nerve!

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

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1261

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186

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By anonymous - 17/5/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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54677

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28313

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By cleb - 22/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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3311

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971

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By bunintheoven - 23/10/2012 04:21 - United States - Seligman

Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 00:08

Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

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1917

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Top comments

By Rodville | 28

#7858103 - Sunday 10 November 2019 5:33

He probably had too much to drink. You yak and anything and he was just really excited to kiss you and... BLARGH!

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7858125 - Sunday 10 November 2019 8:53

or he was too drunk

COMMENTS

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7858097 - Sunday 10 November 2019 4:38

Either he was sick or your breath stinks really bad

ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7858125 - Sunday 10 November 2019 8:53

or he was too drunk

mfranks19891989 | 10

#7858170 - Sunday 10 November 2019 13:24

Or he’s allergic to girls

By Rodville | 28

#7858103 - Sunday 10 November 2019 5:33

He probably had too much to drink. You yak and anything and he was just really excited to kiss you and... BLARGH!

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7858126 - Sunday 10 November 2019 8:57

Good job he didn't you after he vomited

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7858173 - Sunday 10 November 2019 13:50

You ARE at a party. I assume there was alcohol involved? Maybe he had too much?

By Abbusser | 9

#7858203 - Sunday 10 November 2019 17:30

Wait a minute... Is his name Stan?

By tiredofwaiting | 25

#7858373 - Monday 11 November 2019 5:39

He was probably really drunk