Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 10:26 - United States

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73795

You deserved it

5261

Tweet

Share

Boozehound alert

Fashion Police

Risky business

By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 14:01

We could be heroes

Today, as an Ambulance Technician, I dealt with a man who had too much LSD. He urinated on my boot and spat on me multiple times, thinking he had dragons in his mouth. I put a mask on him and he took it off so "the dragons could escape." My wage is lower than if I were working in a supermarket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1593

You deserved it

101

Tweet

Share

By Allison Arsenault - 7/6/2020 08:08

Cheap-ass perv!

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1744

You deserved it

420

Tweet

Share

By loveless - 18/2/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26713

You deserved it

4582

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20153

You deserved it

1795

Tweet

Share

By - 24/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, I'm dead on my feet. My flatmate's alarm went off for 20 minutes at 5am, which I heard and he didn't. A car alarm went off outside my window for half an hour at 7am. My building fire alarm went off twice, at 8 and 8:10am. Just let me sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2077

You deserved it

137

Tweet

Share

By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58401

You deserved it

15391

Tweet

Share

By mustanggt - 2/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2655

You deserved it

902

Tweet

Share

By gracelynn980765 - 27/6/2019 12:30

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2364

You deserved it

568

Tweet

Share

By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9113

You deserved it

1126

Tweet

Share

By DemCherries - 28/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own girlfriend for having sex at Walmart. She tried to get me to let her out on the grounds of being "pretty" and dating me. She wants to continue the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9065

You deserved it

538

Tweet

Share

By Somethingswrongwiththispic - 5/8/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10159

You deserved it

46787

Tweet

Share

By Byepax - 6/3/2015 14:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18043

You deserved it

45449

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 09:41 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51965

You deserved it

4356

Tweet

Share

By awkwardpanda - 27/1/2017 20:00

Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7738

You deserved it

681

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/8/2019 16:00

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1490

You deserved it

251

Tweet

Share

By justcomesnaturally - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7429

You deserved it

34485

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/2/2012 19:17 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44617

You deserved it

6353

Tweet

Share

By Felix - 5/12/2018 14:30 - Ireland

Today, my 1 month old kitten peed all over my kitchen floor. I wanted to get some water out of one of drawers and slipped on the piss. My phone shattered and i dislocated my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2559

You deserved it

383

Tweet

Share

By FFFFF- - 2/3/2011 17:12 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56951

You deserved it

5172

Tweet

Share

By NextTimeMom'sDriving - 11/6/2014 16:41 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51469

You deserved it

4448

Tweet

Share

By FUUUUCK - 11/2/2014 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43373

You deserved it

25893

Tweet

Share

By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38325

You deserved it

9096

Tweet

Share

By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24549

You deserved it

52692

Tweet

Share

By Mariah Heimann - 15/12/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33003

You deserved it

3360

Tweet

Share

By LCDhell - 14/11/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32223

You deserved it

4006

Tweet

Share

By Arniii - 1/2/2012 18:53 - United States

Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32326

You deserved it

4984

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 08:01 - Canada

Leave me alone

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1521

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 02:00

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1841

You deserved it

135

Tweet

Share

By longtriphome - 15/7/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40158

You deserved it

7272

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/8/2011 03:27 - United Kingdom

Today, the closest I came to doing something that could be vaguely construed as "constructive" was wanking and crying. Sometimes simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13030

You deserved it

28138

Tweet

Share

By p!$$3D0FF - 15/1/2009 02:02 - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8900

You deserved it

31450

Tweet

Share

By no more flips - 17/5/2015 14:05 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26698

You deserved it

6988

Tweet

Share

By taman - 12/9/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN" in front of the whole restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45759

You deserved it

5319

Tweet

Share

By N/A - 25/9/2012 04:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29338

You deserved it

2818

Tweet

Share

By ShiddyDiddy - 26/6/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1453

You deserved it

174

Tweet

Share

By Mina - 8/5/2019 14:00

Today, my son came home from school with a catastrophic report card. When I asked him for explanations, he replied, "I'm hesitating between family environment and heredity." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1623

You deserved it

287

Tweet

Share

By Stripperofthemall - 25/8/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I found out why my 5 year old son's teacher acts so awkward around me. My son told everyone in his class that I work as a stripper. I'm not a stripper, I work at the strip mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44087

You deserved it

2893

Tweet

Share

By fishyrael - 12/11/2019 01:00

What he is thinking?

Today, I was on a long road trip and I really had to pee. With no rest stop for miles and night having fallen, I decided to pull over on the side of the highway and pee in a fast food cup. A cop knocked on the window to see if everything was okay, while I was mid-squat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1724

You deserved it

267

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/3/2012 00:49 - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28864

You deserved it

4077

Tweet

Share

By acme - 4/10/2012 06:20 - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22583

You deserved it

2761

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Xarin | 0

#93529 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:18

Y'know, I'm Christian, and I love Jesus, and all that...
But I just can't stand people like that...ugh

By perfectwinds | 0

#93513 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:15

Haha I love hyper religious customers. When one found out I was pregnant she literally reached across the desk, grabbed my head, and said "GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR BABY!" really loud. I couldn't stop laughing after she left.

COMMENTS

By AGr8pretending | 0

#93506 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:14

sounds reasonable enough, I guess

By mattjones16 | 0

#93511 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:14

Obama FTL

By Ngood7 | 0

#93512 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:15

Gotta love customer service jobs, and the interesting/irritating/fucking weird people you encounter.

By perfectwinds | 0

#93513 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:15

Haha I love hyper religious customers. When one found out I was pregnant she literally reached across the desk, grabbed my head, and said "GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR BABY!" really loud. I couldn't stop laughing after she left.

By prbro | 0

#93524 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Xarin | 0

#93529 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:18

Y'know, I'm Christian, and I love Jesus, and all that...
But I just can't stand people like that...ugh

Reply

NickACD | 27

#6487564 - Friday 18 December 2015 0:14

Didn't mean to downvote, but some guy I'm arguing with is quoting bible verses. Fucking annoying

By Fa7_fml | 0

#93538 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:19

I can't STAND people like that! They need to have their mouths stapled or something. I'm carrying a stapler from now on.

By Clandestine_x | 0

#93540 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:20

Oh, wow.
I'm so, so sorry.
I would have lost it on her after about a minute.

By smokeyou | 0

#93541 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:20

That crazy Jesus, always being signaled to return by mundane things like your sneezes.

By luckyyyme | 0

#93544 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 20:21

Where the hell do you work?! You should have played along to see what else would come out of her mouth.