Work: Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in...

By 911 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

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Work

Dangling modifier

Clocked

Phone call anxiety

By bitchasshonky - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

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37843

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished I jokingly said, "who's going to sleep in the wet patch?". He got up and said "you're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing". It was my first time. FML

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37145

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

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10612

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By MBoomer

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

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11315

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By NoMoreHeadphones - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

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15796

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after closing down the gas station I work at, I went to unlock the door to the building. Turned out the lock broke and I was locked inside until my boss could get there to let me out. FML

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6853

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

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24770

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By elevenharries - United Kingdom

Today, after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

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21955

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By wtf bro?!

Today, I got a Facebook message from a guy from my old school. I didn’t remember him, but I replied anyway. When I checked my phone after work, I had 73 new messages that went from, “How have you been?” to, “Fuck you ugly cockteasing whore,” and ended with, “You better hope I don’t catch you!” FML

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2220

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By FUSheldon - United States - Millstadt

Today, my boyfriend started watching The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Now he won't stop saying "Bazinga" every time he says or hears something that sounds funny. It's so annoying I want to feed him to the neighbor's dog. FML

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23768

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By StopMe

What are you doing?

Today, I went to a hobby lobby with the director of the play my daughter is in. He leaned in to grab a bottle of blue paint, and I mistook it for a hug. When he looked perplexed, I hugged him again, this time jumping in celebration of finding the blue paint. FML

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1396

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By helpme

Today, my gay best friend slept over, as he has many times during the past three years of our friendship. This time, however, he confessed to me that he's only pretended to be gay to get closer to me because he's in love with me. I've allowed my stalker to sleep in my house and in my bed for three years. FML

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7367

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1476

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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39616

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By tumblrinas_at_work - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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30671

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By thanksforthat - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34238

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By food critic - Australia - Ryde

Today, I saw my girlfriend's mother tagged at a restaurant, the same one I had suggested we try earlier in the week. At the time, she quickly shut me down because "that place sounds terrible". I guess she forgot that she finally added me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7654

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577

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By - 27/2/2020 20:00

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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696

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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20930

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By Hi, I'm Heather - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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37011

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By ahhnotoy - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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53054

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By peridot1aa

Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

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3505

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By HousemateHorror

Today, I walked into my dorm to find the guy I have feelings for sleeping with my roommate. I signed a lease with them for next year and can't back out now. FML

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4143

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

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59500

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By hatinthelife - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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52316

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By soo

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

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26157

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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11305

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By flyingpuppy - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML

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32416

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By need my own place - United States

Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24819

You deserved it

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By Why? - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22554

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

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39594

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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47486

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40725

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By blizzard_of_77 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41027

You deserved it

96734

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By morning_glory - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss expected me to corroborate her lie to a customer. She changed her story suddenly and I got caught up in the crosshairs. Then she got mad at me for not understanding what just happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25746

You deserved it

2233

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

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31602

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By _aPerson_ - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8804

You deserved it

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By Sean - Canada - L'assomption

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

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47014

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By PleaseDontBeSerious - Canada

Today, my daughter brought home her new boyfriend. He has a neck tattoo, and his life's dream is to be a professional "beer pong" player. FML

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30916

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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41040

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

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53175

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Top comments

By juicebahx | 0

#41447 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:53

I gagged when I read that. I still feel a little nauseated.

By jixan | 0

#7463 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:08

...strange
lol

COMMENTS

By jixan | 0

#7463 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:08

...strange
lol

Pocahontas22_fml | 0

#1824234 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:57

...gross

By NoKo_fml | 0

#12739 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:40

reminds me of something mr bean would do...lol

By echigo109 | 0

#19741 - Saturday 7 March 2009 16:30

THATS HILARIOS

By dewey318 | 0

#31036 - Saturday 14 March 2009 7:11

why would you do that?

evan_7899 | 28

#5739740 - Saturday 2 November 2013 21:26

Notice how its France, filthy French

By juicebahx | 0

#41447 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:53

I gagged when I read that. I still feel a little nauseated.

Boomi | 38

#6689514 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:02

Same! That is completely disgusting!

By dudewithface | 0

#66065 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:42

next time ask if you can lick them

By baldfatman | 0

#72911 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:00

yummy

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#77682 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:17

I would feel the need to wash my hands after just SEEING that.

By Vintage_fml | 0

#113223 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 15:33

thats....sick

By vicky93 | 0

#127957 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 0:27

i wonder if he does that after wiping his ass too

zoerox01 | 0

#387159 - Saturday 11 July 2009 13:36

hahaha i allmost pissed myself laughing i cant stop replaying that coment in my head