Work: Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in...

By 911 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

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Work

BO Central

Toilet drama

Is that a pass then?

By Shane

Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML

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10102

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By fuckmylife - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

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By emily - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I propositioned my boyfriend of two years to have sex with me in the shower to spice up our love life. He said that he was really busy. He was playing Call of Duty. FML

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23836

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

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By Jebus - United States

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

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29065

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By no more mr nice guy

Today, my friend invited me, his girlfriend, and the girl I like over to his house to hang out. We hoped it would get me closer to my crush. The day ended with them having a threesome and me locked out. FML

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11857

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By musicalxtheories

Tiler, the creator

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

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1383

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By nuberific - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

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1212

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By Unclean

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

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By KobraKommander - France

Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML

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7493

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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46778

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By familypet - United States - Vista

Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

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22522

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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29129

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29671

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By okay._. - United States - Marysville

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

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36304

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By Heidi Jeanette

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

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2782

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

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25204

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By not a bitch just don’t like you - 10/3/2021 13:59 - United States

White knights

Today, once again, I told a guy who’s been hounding me for ages that I’m not interested. After being asked repeatedly and turning him down politely for so long, I finally snapped and cussed his ass out. Now I’m known as "the bitch" for hurting such a "nice guy's" feelings. I need new friends. FML

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1374

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By Me - United States

Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML

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41233

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By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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23508

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By Jessie - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

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1752

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282

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By Ima_Moronski - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

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39333

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By This girl - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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29249

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By slavelaborsux - United States

Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML

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By dogproblems - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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29436

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

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26307

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By Heart-Broken - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was paired up with my long-term crush for a project. She introduced herself to me and asked if I was new this year. We've gone to the same school since kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36789

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By thewordsicantsay - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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30457

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By you - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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12726

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By honutattoo - United States

Today, I finally came home from a semester of college, and all my parents and sister can talk about is how bad my acne has gotten. FML

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30894

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By furball - Inchture

Today, I was at Sea World and was about to take a picture of the big walrus. I noticed my phone was still set to use the front camera, and I muttered "Oops, selfie mode." A guy next to me turned, looked at me, and said "Not like there's a difference for you." FML

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56147

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By Anon

Not the nuggets!

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4788

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472

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By Obi1Shinobi - United States

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML

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28038

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By KnowledgableEx - United States - Baltimore

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12232

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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33839

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By ew - United States - Titusville

Today, someone told me that my initials really fit my personality. I took it as a strange compliment, until I realized my initials spell "ew". FML

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47737

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Top comments

By juicebahx | 0

#41447 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:53

I gagged when I read that. I still feel a little nauseated.

By jixan | 0

#7463 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:08

...strange
lol

COMMENTS

By jixan | 0

#7463 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:08

...strange
lol

Pocahontas22_fml | 0

#1824234 - Friday 10 December 2010 16:57

...gross

By NoKo_fml | 0

#12739 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:40

reminds me of something mr bean would do...lol

By echigo109 | 0

#19741 - Saturday 7 March 2009 16:30

THATS HILARIOS

By dewey318 | 0

#31036 - Saturday 14 March 2009 7:11

why would you do that?

evan_7899 | 28

#5739740 - Saturday 2 November 2013 21:26

Notice how its France, filthy French

By juicebahx | 0

#41447 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:53

I gagged when I read that. I still feel a little nauseated.

Boomi | 38

#6689514 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:02

Same! That is completely disgusting!

By dudewithface | 0

#66065 - Sunday 29 March 2009 1:42

next time ask if you can lick them

By baldfatman | 0

#72911 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:00

yummy

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#77682 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:17

I would feel the need to wash my hands after just SEEING that.

By Vintage_fml | 0

#113223 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 15:33

thats....sick

By vicky93 | 0

#127957 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 0:27

i wonder if he does that after wiping his ass too

zoerox01 | 0

#387159 - Saturday 11 July 2009 13:36

hahaha i allmost pissed myself laughing i cant stop replaying that coment in my head