Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust....

By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 12:04 - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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Health

Instadrama

Season finale

QAnon weirdoes

By unemployed and bereaved - 25/11/2013 05:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I am just that unlucky, and suspended. FML

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By redmethod87 - 8/4/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

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By NoCookForYou - 22/8/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2012 20:04 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By fiat850 - 9/5/2020 17:00

Messy

Today, I had two accidents in my car: one when a truck drove into its rear end, the other immediately after when my own rear end released its load onto the seat. FML

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By mandythepandy - 4/3/2017 04:00

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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By carwife - 21/8/2010 04:13 - Canada

Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML

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By iJehx - 13/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

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By smurftastic - 3/9/2013 03:03 - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By explanations - 14/6/2013 06:48 - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with really sore abs; not from working out at the gym, but because I've been coughing for 3 days straight and nothing is helping. Now every time I cough, it physically hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to shower, his mother slams a pair of underwear on the table and tells me that if she ever finds something like that in her son's room again, she is forbidding him from seeing me. The underwear isn't mine. FML

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By houdini - 3/2/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 07:42 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 18:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

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By AnRom - 17/12/2009 09:58 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

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By carpetoops - 21/6/2009 16:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

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By umbrella - 24/7/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, a man held a door open for me while I fished my umbrella out of my very cluttered bag. As I was opening my umbrella, I turned to thank him for being such a gentleman. Instead, a tampon that had apparently wedged itself into the folds of my umbrella flew into his face. FML

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By failout - 5/3/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

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By ironic driver - 4/9/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

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By True Story - 29/8/2011 12:46 - Canada

Today, it's been a year since I've been with my girlfriend, and I think that I hate more things about her than I like. For instance, how she likes to throw furniture at me. FML

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By ZPyRoGoDz - 2/11/2009 11:05 - United States

Today, I got to my apartment early after being out really late the night before. Maybe next time I should call ahead of time so that my roommate has time to sneak my girlfriend out of his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 21:02 - United States

Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 18:00 - United States

The one that got away

Today, the only person who remembered my birthday was my stalker ex. He left condoms, birth control, furry handcuffs, and a lingerie set in my mailbox, with a note saying to prepare for our anniversary. We went out for a week. In sixth grade. FML

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By BarBacked - 15/4/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 2/9/2019 04:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

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By Snails - 12/6/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

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By Tang - 27/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he wasn't on Facebook for the last two days. It turned out his father found out we were talking, and banned him from logging on. He's 19. FML

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By Ahh - 14/8/2020 23:02

The curse

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2016 22:22 - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2018 14:30

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By pain in my gums - 27/2/2017 11:30 - Canada - St. John's

Today, I went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. The surgeon took a better X-ray to see what he was dealing with before he got started. When he came back into the room, he started to laugh and told me it was my lucky day because in the X-rays he found 2 big extra wisdom teeth. FML

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By David3000 - 24/1/2009 07:15 - Australia

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2010 22:56 - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By Non-active - 25/9/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2016 20:13 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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By helpme - 25/9/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By ugh - 4/7/2013 18:28 - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

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Top comments

By PuffDaddy395 | 3

#4004731 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:02

Million dollar idea: hypo-allergenic commercials.

By easton222 | 2

#4004723 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:00

No freakin way

COMMENTS

By easton222 | 2

#4004723 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:00

No freakin way

mel_aka_mic | 5

#4004727 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:01

Hypochondriac?

SilverPseudoKing | 6

#4004762 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:06

OP must have one of those 3D tv's where everything looks real.

comedybreak | 20

#4004776 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:07

This is more of a. MLIA.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4005708 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 20:03

Why is this an FML? Honestly.. "Today, I saw a commercial about sleeping, and I yawned, FML"

By randomthing | 22

#4004730 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:01

Are you sure that you're not allergic?

By PuffDaddy395 | 3

#4004731 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:02

Million dollar idea: hypo-allergenic commercials.

SoccerGod234 | 0

#4005729 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 20:08

This FML is retarded

By CryMoreFMLs | 14

#4004733 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:02

Speak of the devil!

By faaackmylife | 5

#4004735 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:02

how the hell is this a FML moment?

By DooleyFTW | 17

#4004739 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:03

I really fail to see why this is an FML.

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4004756 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:05

Yeah I said no to this one, not really a FML at all.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#4004790 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:08

Wow I go away for 5 minutes and someone gets moderated instantly. I didn't know a term of phrase could offend someone so.

By Torva_fml | 16

#4004741 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:03

It happens.

By chaela | 3

#4004742 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:04

Those are some intense skills right there.

By 1PaulyD | 9

#4004748 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:04

its a message from up above... just kidding but thats funny

PuffDaddy395 | 3

#4005629 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 19:40

Just because you have a funny picture doesn't mean you can leave shitty comments.

brown4lifejot | 1

#4005710 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 20:04

I love how you insulted and complimented him at the exact same time!

By the17doctor | 12

#4004749 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 15:04

where the hell is the 'so what?' button?!