Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it... - FML

By DL06 - 8/4/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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Family values

Cold-blooded old times

Body issues

By What the fuck, son? - 11/5/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

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By margretlle - 26/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By nick - 18/5/2012 07:22 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML

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By jokersgirl - 21/5/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

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By Gasman - 15/7/2017 15:30 - New Zealand

Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip 2 massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML

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By Banana - 4/12/2012 16:04 - Puerto Rico

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

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By Snufflopagus - 1/1/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

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By thedogkisser - 6/6/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

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By doneanddone - 28/2/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

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By broken - 28/7/2009 17:12 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

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By Cheated - 3/8/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 16:33 - United States - Orlando

Today, I eavesdropped as my friend tried hinting to my crush that I like him. He replied, "Haha, eww. She looks like a fuckin' garden gnome." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2012 23:12 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I wanted nothing more than to go home and get into bed. While I was unlocking my front door, the flimsy key snapped off inside the lock. A locksmith was called out, who did nothing but sadistically guffaw at my misfortune and crack sarcastic jokes as he undid the lock. FML

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By Tragics - 11/11/2009 18:53 - Canada

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

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By StayPositive - 3/11/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

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By Kaite - 3/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was working at Subway when a middle-aged lady demanded that I give her a sandwich for free. When I refused, she took out a spray bottle of water and sprayed me in the face, like a cat. FML

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By Wow - 13/3/2012 04:38 - United States

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2013 06:03 - Australia - Wantirna

Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML

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By GamerAM - 27/6/2019 22:23

Today, after over a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor for a much-needed medication refill, he finally called back. Too bad my phone got unplugged and died in the middle of the night. FML

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By Dariya - 13/2/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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By no - 25/6/2016 02:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By WTF - 7/3/2011 09:19

Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML

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By sexytime - 2/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By noname - 7/11/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

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By AdamFoundHisEve - 25/5/2010 19:08 - France

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

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By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

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By killmyself - 23/1/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 12:07

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

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By parkertownparadise - 16/2/2012 07:43 - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

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By allisonpaige21 - 18/6/2015 22:31 - United States - Quitman

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

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By Bedrest Blues - 24/12/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that we can’t be together because I’m not the person he fell in love with since I don’t do anything all day. I’m 6 months pregnant and on bed rest. FML

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By Prinpette - 20/9/2011 21:20 - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 00:23 - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

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By ohai ur hawt, wanna fuzzzZzZZzzZzz - 4/4/2014 23:20 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club, and we went back to my place. I was finally going to lose my virginity, but just as she started kissing me, I panicked and ended up fainting. When I came to, I was still clothed, and she was long gone. FML

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By theRoomie - 2/11/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

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Top comments

By amykillswitch | 0

#92970 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:07

what a tool. maybe he passed out from your good looks?

By vxjazz | 0

#92974 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:10

Many people say they don't care what you look like because that's the only way you'll agree to give them your picture....

Comments

By Ichigo_fml | 0

#92969 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:06

ouch I am sorry

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#952740 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 6:17

either your ugly or hi comp turned off for whatever reason.

Reply

FMLrey | 0

#1042854 - Friday 25 June 2010 12:40

YDI FOR FALLING IN LOVE

Reply

lexxiiieeeee123 | 0

#1311006 - Saturday 28 August 2010 5:42

awhh, sorry about that:/ I bet your not really that ugly(:

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#3136670 - Friday 19 August 2011 3:30

he probably sent you a fake picture

By amykillswitch | 0

#92970 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:07

what a tool. maybe he passed out from your good looks?

Reply

juliaaalove | 8

#1930156 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:26

I couldn't agree more!

Reply

Danny0522 | 8

#3700014 - Thursday 8 December 2011 3:09

Yeaaaa...... No

By jSOPURE | 3

#92973 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:09

Give him time to fully take in your beauty.

If not, forget that nonsense.

:)

By vxjazz | 0

#92974 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:10

Many people say they don't care what you look like because that's the only way you'll agree to give them your picture....

By rukusrazor | 0

#93002 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:20

Boosh!

By fundangle | 0

#93007 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:21

all i had to read was "i met a guy online" and it was already a YDI

there are legit people online, yes. but there are a lot more creeps.

Reply

mandi625 | 0

#2176487 - Sunday 13 March 2011 16:12

Agreed.

Reply

threer | 30

#5665379 - Monday 9 September 2013 7:24

Us... Creeps?

By spamme | 0

#93010 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:23

right on #4

By sirfuzzitoes | 0

#93013 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:24

hahaha, sorry, but that sucks. i doubt you could be unattractive enough to make him run for the hills if you hit it off so well...

By kellster | 2

#93018 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:26

Ah yes, welcome to the world of online dating. Just so you know, they ALWAYS care. More and more people are dating online; don't let the jerks on here convince you otherwise. It's becoming very common, since people are generally too busy or too insular in their professional lives to meet people otherwise, but yeah - this one is a pretty standard occurrence. I'm sorry!

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#93053 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 16:38

It would be better if you tried to go for someone in the real world. Online dating works sometimes, but then again, you never know who's really behind that computer. Im not rating this one.