Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly...

By lifesucks4me - 23/2/2009 12:51 - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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Kids

Proactive

Inspirational tale

Social distancing gone wrong

By Anonymous - 25/9/2016 11:22 - United States - Hills

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

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By squizzlebee - 24/2/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By ollie179 - 15/8/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 04:36 - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

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By Jane - 28/4/2016 03:58 - United States - Beaver Falls

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

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By jsquared - 5/11/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 05:55 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML

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By zain - 4/6/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

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By rawrrrr - 17/3/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

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By Abendigo77 - 14/1/2013 04:49 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, my vegan boyfriend told me that if he were forced to kill either his cat or me, he'd kill me because he "would never kill an animal." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2010 05:52 - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML

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By wow babe - 19/11/2012 17:46 - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

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By Andrew - 29/6/2009 10:31 - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

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By Peaches - 22/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By oww - 5/4/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. It was windy, so I decided to get my hat from the car trunk. When I opened it and reached in, loose papers started flying everywhere. Panicked, my dad slammed the trunk shut on my fingers. Entering the stadium, I discovered it was free hat day. FML

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By whiskey'swino - 9/6/2019 14:19

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 17:48 - Romania - Buzau

Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she's damned our family to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:05 - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 17:07 - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

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By breakinphones - 20/2/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

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By StrawberryJuicey - 13/12/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 17:14 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

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By LegInPieces - 17/10/2013 16:34 - United States - Redmond

Today, I spent an excruciating hour walking to campus with a broken leg, only to find my professor had left a note on the door saying class was canceled. FML

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By lol - 6/12/2009 14:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - 5/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By pop_rox - 30/1/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By Tragic - 27/4/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

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By MemoKrosav - 30/1/2016 03:54 - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

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By forgottenbday - 11/7/2012 05:09 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

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By hatelife - 30/12/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 22:00

Today, I learned how to sharpen a knife. I sharpened it so well that it went through my finger like a lightsaber. FML

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By Helpful Smile - 26/1/2016 02:56 - United States - Bettendorf

Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 12:53 - United States

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By that guy - 18/11/2014 00:19

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

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By noname - 7/11/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By ashleynicolle - 25/2/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

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By Ugly - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

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Top comments

By bobdole | 0

#5826 - Monday 23 February 2009 16:22

are you a guy or a girl? it would be funnier if you were a guy.

By Capybara | 0

#5836 - Monday 23 February 2009 16:51

Like father like son, sadly.

If this is true, your family has some serious issues.

COMMENTS

By bobdole | 0

#5826 - Monday 23 February 2009 16:22

are you a guy or a girl? it would be funnier if you were a guy.

Gorsbug823 | 0

#1005001 - Monday 24 May 2010 6:30

haha that's funny

chelzy | 0

#1206546 - Sunday 8 August 2010 5:31

so true. I would love to see that. btw, u just got pent up the ass.

By WTFbbqLOLcatz | 0

#5833 - Monday 23 February 2009 16:47

Haha, that is a damn good one:)

Highfive

By Capybara | 0

#5836 - Monday 23 February 2009 16:51

Like father like son, sadly.

If this is true, your family has some serious issues.

icekitten14 | 12

#6089106 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 4:08

Holy crap I hope it's a guy, just so OP can say that.

By crissycat07 | 0

#5839 - Monday 23 February 2009 16:53

aweee D:

By CaptainCasual | 0

#5848 - Monday 23 February 2009 17:02

Might need to work on your attitude a bit. Normally, parent's don't call their children bitches unless they deserve the title.

Sunbolt | 0

#822055 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 18:16

or their drunk as shit

Angi95 | 3

#2296545 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 4:01

Or bad parents.

EmoRockChic | 11

#5326026 - Wednesday 16 January 2013 2:43

That's not true..... I would know.....

feven | 32

#5780341 - Thursday 5 December 2013 22:42

Is that why you're an emo chick sweetie?

Kazze | 31

#6220801 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 1:41

I see you earned the title, 100.

carpenoctern | 19

#6562832 - Sunday 20 March 2016 0:57

This isn't true; I've been called a bitch and worse by my mum for not bringing my laptop home from boarding school so she can use it.

By proofofapyro | 0

#5853 - Monday 23 February 2009 17:07

That's fucking hilarious

By blacklagoon_fml | 0

#5874 - Monday 23 February 2009 17:52

Sounds like a problem family... little kid calling people a bitch, you being a bitch enough for your parents to actually use the word, especially when a 6 year old can hear.