Love: Today, my blind date tried to sell me a vacuum. I bought it....

By sniffmyzebra - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my blind date tried to sell me a vacuum. I bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20896

You deserved it

8265

Favorite

sniffmyzebra tells us more :

Can't believe this was published! OP here, as some you said, the date really did suck. But my brand new vacuum sucks even more! Did I do it right? I'll leave.

Love

Season finale

Vulture

F*** my overweight life

By Female Struggles - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39478

You deserved it

16955

Favorite

By Venus

Today, despite the fact that I live with my parents and pay rent, my mom decided the best spot for my brother, his wife and one-year-old son was my bedroom. So I'm sleeping on the couch, because it would, "take too long to clean her room." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2021

You deserved it

250

Favorite

By ZombiKilla - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18297

You deserved it

1516

Favorite

By mikey51 - Australia

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10585

You deserved it

41453

Favorite

By offbeans - United States

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

266871

You deserved it

90595

Favorite

By killme - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12514

You deserved it

23430

Favorite

By shopper242 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31737

You deserved it

4072

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36866

You deserved it

4210

Favorite

By Kimberly - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54251

You deserved it

8999

Favorite

By tooefficient

Monday, Monday, so good to me…

Today, I was scolded by my boss, all because I can finish most tasks in a quarter of the time it takes him, and he doesn't want to be shown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1582

You deserved it

Favorite

By older - United States

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50817

You deserved it

2783

Favorite

By fuckthat! - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5575

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By ohmygoodness - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

I agree, your life sucks

80250

You deserved it

17198

Favorite

By Anonymous

Definitely done that

Today, at work, I put my earphones in to listen to some music. An hour later, I realised I never pressed play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

714

You deserved it

1078

Favorite

By tanya - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16082

You deserved it

40844

Favorite

By T.C - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22057

You deserved it

2499

Favorite

By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31243

You deserved it

3821

Favorite

By FreeTacos_ - United States - Pueblo

Today, I told my crush that I liked her a lot. She told me not to message her when I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24454

You deserved it

2701

Favorite

By thecaptainmorgan - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35114

You deserved it

3113

Favorite

By epicsandwichartist - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35760

You deserved it

3621

Favorite

By SkinsCastSelection - Belgium

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66352

You deserved it

6823

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5750

You deserved it

378

Favorite

By sorrydad - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was "parent-appropriate." Apparently we didn't notice the S and M catalog in the pile on our coffee table... but his mom sure did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9485

You deserved it

19734

Favorite

By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53682

You deserved it

3391

Favorite

By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over a recently-killed skunk in the road. My truck now smells absolutely rancid, and the smell will probably last for months. At least it goes well with my dog, who was also skunked 6 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2006

You deserved it

273

Favorite

By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17581

You deserved it

49675

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/3/2021 11:29 - India - Bangalore

Simping

Today, my girlfriend moved to Germany for her Master's degree and perhaps a PhD. I'm still stuck in this third world mess which we call India. I simped for her and agreed that she can have non-serious relationships with other men. I'm so broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

431

You deserved it

1033

Favorite

By spasti-cunt - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51281

You deserved it

3892

Favorite

By Scared - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1631

You deserved it

729

Favorite

By GrinningCynic - United States - Englewood

Today, I was told I need two root canals. This is because my previous dentist did such a bad job on one of my teeth that the decay went through and transferred to its neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25353

You deserved it

2276

Favorite

By Anonymous

Good bye!

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

You deserved it

703

Favorite

By toosmall

Today I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the ticket is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12654

You deserved it

889

Favorite

By pummy - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8209

You deserved it

33657

Favorite

By Anonymous - Sweden - Guayanilla

Today, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship troubles. He stopped me in the middle of a sentence with a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25245

You deserved it

4361

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Southlake

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32329

You deserved it

2303

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

955

You deserved it

1471

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Hello, is me you're looking for?

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50062

You deserved it

3146

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5713

You deserved it

379

Favorite

By princesspea - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML

I agree, your life sucks

53372

You deserved it

3255

Favorite

By suuuuuupucci - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Have a good one!

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29109

You deserved it

3475

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By odamaliekh | 26

#6440653 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:26

Sounds like the date really sucked!

By sniffmyzebra | 14

#6441216 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 22:37

Can't believe this was published! OP here, as some you said, the date really did suck. But my brand new vacuum sucks even more!
Did I do it right?
I'll leave.

COMMENTS

By MedChew | 19

#6440650 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:23

Such a sucker

cole_tyler42 | 21

#6440679 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:03

It was probably a Dyson. Attractive name AND great product.

By gogo44444 | 28

#6440651 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

odamaliekh | 26

#6440658 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:28

Read the FML.

keiNan_fml | 35

#6440659 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:28

well, did you read the fml?

cheeeksss | 29

#6440676 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:57

Got lazy reading half way through the FML, did we?

SubparAtBest | 23

#6441099 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 20:24

Have you tried turning yourself on and off again?

gogo44444 | 28

#6444610 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:01

Oh my god, I just saw the fml, it was 5:00 in the morning when I read this and I guess I blanked out because I swear I only saw "my bling date tried to sell me a vacuum" and I was in a hurry for the first few comments, I apologize sincerely