Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took... - FML

By bennyp77 - 31/08/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 928

You deserved it 15 666

Triage

Mama's boy

What?

By hatemylife - 19/07/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 875

You deserved it 6 902

By J-Sauce - 20/06/2016 14:54 - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, I went to a club with 6 girls thinking it would be awesome. As soon as we got there, they all said they wanted to go dance and asked if I could watch their purses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 755

You deserved it 2 770

Smooth talking

By Anonymous - 07/05/2020 23:00

Today, I downloaded Hinge for the first time, only to have the first guy I match with to tell me, "I can’t wait to breed you and to knock you up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 227

By KingUrge - 26/04/2013 08:36 - United States - Victorville

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 328

You deserved it 9 677

Happy Holidays!

By dazedandconfused - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 629

You deserved it 569

By dana - 16/12/2013 22:43 - United States - Montrose

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 271

You deserved it 11 858

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 160

You deserved it 56 389

Double standards

By Anonymous - 19/08/2020 05:05

Today, my best friend, who is also Godmother to my son, came over to visit for a few hours, as she does every other day. My husband complained to me that she’s over a lot. But he doesn’t see anything wrong with his best friend coming over every weekend and sleepover for 2-3 days straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 169

White line fever

By Anonymous - 10/04/2020 17:00

Today, I've been using a lot of Flonase recently for my stuffy nose, and my 4 year-old happens to call it "mommy's special nose medicine" out loud all the time. My neighbors now think I do cocaine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 629

You deserved it 223

Broken equipment

By Anonymous - 21/08/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 409

By Stef - 05/12/2018 05:00

Today, as I was about to go to bed, the lid came off a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and it toppled down my carpeted basement steps. 3 hours, 2 dozen microfiber cloths, and a bucket of water later and my steps are still full of suds. I went to bed at 3 am and my 10 week old was up at 4 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 619

You deserved it 283

By Gutted. - 21/03/2009 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 247

You deserved it 6 761

Harry Pothead

By Anonymous - 21/10/2021 17:02 - Canada - North York

Today, my husband said he wouldn't be talking to me for weeks, because I didn't buy him weed. Yeah, I paid all the bills and the rent this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 05:30 - Canada - Calgary

Spicy

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 094

You deserved it 4 853

Travelling light

By intrepid_traveller - 19/08/2021 03:01 - Finland - Parola

Today, after spending the night anxiously waiting for a negative COVID test result which would allow me to travel, I got to the airport in the morning, despite delays, and finally realized that my wallet is sitting on my couch at home. I'm on the plane now. There's no going back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 02/06/2013 22:36 - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 929

You deserved it 7 555

By Anonymous - 24/06/2012 05:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 296

You deserved it 29 634

By tigerfiend - 17/02/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the lipo suction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 622

You deserved it 5 751

Trust

By Goodtimes - 01/10/2019 20:01

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 123

By fuckina - 29/11/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 879

You deserved it 49 413

By doneanddone - 28/02/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 691

You deserved it 8 717

By fatty - 03/08/2010 22:37 - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 7 390

Check your head

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 20:00

Today, I had a real coffee again after being sick for two weeks. It didn't taste so good, though. Just like the one I had yesterday. Well, I thought, maybe my taste has changed? Maybe I just need to get used to it again? No, it was just that the milk had gone bad three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 845

By Sally - 24/08/2018 22:00

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 788

By Snow-White - 04/07/2014 00:27 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 601

You deserved it 19 060

By rainbows? more like shitstorms - 17/08/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 684

You deserved it 2 039

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 398

You deserved it 2 230

Don't wanna know

By Anonymous - 16/02/2011 05:50

Spicy

Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 018

You deserved it 4 170

By ash - 13/06/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 401

You deserved it 6 989

Time flies by

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 16:59

Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 96

Broke

By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/08/2020 17:02

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 479

Knock off

By mee - 24/11/2020 08:02

Today, I overheard my six year-old step-son playing with his sister and cousin. His sister was the baby, cousin the step-dad, and he got to be “the best one” because he was the "real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 101

By CanStandup - 13/04/2017 22:00

Today, a very large lady was sitting down and panting as she watched me stock the bottom shelves at my store. Apparently, being able to squat down and stand back up repeatedly means I'm mocking her, and she threatened to report me to corporate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 069

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 00:34 - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 230

You deserved it 6 821

By Katie - 13/12/2012 18:00 - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 096

You deserved it 2 598

By shamefaced - 07/12/2012 03:11 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 470

You deserved it 2 245

By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/05/2017 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 645

You deserved it 588

By Embarrassed - 04/02/2011 00:28

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 255

You deserved it 6 687

By Anonymous - 22/12/2015 09:26 - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 164

You deserved it 8 376

Practical

By Anonymous - 14/10/2020 09:01 - Canada - Fredericton

Spicy

Today, my 27-year-old boyfriend told me he hides our condoms in his Poké Ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 453

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Top comments

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:33

Why are female bare breasts offensive?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:18

Well old chap, it is a tennis match and things are a bit more civilized there. We don't go around bearing ones chest willy nilly. I mean whats next... a man going around selling hot dogs and peanuts in the stands??? You sir OP are uncouth barbarian of the highest order!

Comments

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:06

Hint, hint...

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:05

lol need to get a man BRA!!!!!!?????!!!!!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:19

ydi for being a fatass

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:35

Aah the attack if the chubtits!!!!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:37

Guess what, OP, men have breasts too. Some men have small ones. And some, like you, have bitch tit.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:31

offend ppl who don't want to see man boobs or moobs for short

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:57

hahahahahahaha

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:08

um, don't take your shirt off at a tennis match?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:45

I guess you'll just have to suck it up and wear your shirt like we females have to do.

tweetbaby14 18

Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:54

nice job Horace P. MacTitties 

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 19:07

MOOBS!!!!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:50

19, don't pick on those who don't give a crap about details.

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 5:29

33 u deserve it for being a dog. and don't sweat it bro you arnt the only one with a beast like mass.

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Thursday 2 September 2010 1:32

ha.

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Saturday 29 March 2014 22:28

OP means you're a fat piece of Sh*t. :) lol

SekksiFML6969 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:07

Someone's got some maaaaanboobies.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:58

can I play with.your boobs? they look fun :)

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:53

Wow that's not creepy at all...

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 15:39

glen... dream on.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 19:34

#48 Oh please, no. Glen, stop dreaming. Immediately.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:45

I would like to apologize for all decent men, and say sorry.

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 0:02

Wow, you're supernice!

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 2:12

yeah what supernice said.

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 5:31

stfu

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 7:56

.. her boobs are small.. >.> <.<

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:08

YDI For Not Already Being Gay!!!!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:11

That makes absolutely no sense. You should put your head down and go sit in the corner.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:31

lol i can only assume you really misread fml or u posted on rong fml 

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 7:21

wow FFML seems to like to try and put people down in every comment she makes just because of a joke/stupid thing someone else said.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 7:47

99: Nah, just the ones who deserve it.

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 7:59

you should try gives me hope :) trolling is fun there

hairt 4

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:11

moobs.

Karynthebabe101 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:14

haha one word says it all..

misfitSuperStar 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:14

Face it, it IS a bit tacky, op.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:18

Well old chap, it is a tennis match and things are a bit more civilized there. We don't go around bearing ones chest willy nilly. I mean whats next... a man going around selling hot dogs and peanuts in the stands??? You sir OP are uncouth barbarian of the highest order!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:32

hahahaha when I was reading this i thought it was a girl(unroll the end) and I'm like slut!! lol

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:33

read the fml, it was a man.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:39

iicaptain, haven't you learned by now that the general population of FML can't read? It's something we have to unfortunately accept. Although, it is fun to poke fun at the inbreeders.

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:08

lol^^^

EricErection69 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 22:03

ahaha 29

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:33

Why are female bare breasts offensive?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:09

12, I think you failed to realize that the op is a dude

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:18

My comment was in response to the implication that if said breasts belonged to a woman, they would be offensive.

meagy 6

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:24

Offensive to the law I'm guessing? Indecent exposure most likely.

The_good_times 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:21

"offensive to some", I'm sure men wouldn't mind them, most women probably wouldn't mind them either, so I'm guessing it's for the children.

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 15:30

Breasts are always for the children... Quest, you have to remember we still live in a fairly puritanical society. There are some places where women can't even breast feed in public. I guess I'm really not answering your question as to "why" some people find it offensive. It's a cultural and religious issue.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:09

Its not against the law in Toronto Canada women can legally walk around completely topless, I'm sure it's the same in some major American cities?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:56

#41 , your pic made me laugh haha

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 7:51

52: I've heard that it's technically legal in many cities, but it's still not allowed, if you know what I mean. You'd probably get arrested or detained, just not formally charged.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:33

it's not a NASCAR race it's a tennis match... did you really think that would be okay?

foreverspellman 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:44

ouch man, I don't even like NASCAR (anymore, since I grew up and found the other side of my brain... you know, the one that makes RIGHT turns) but that was a bit harsh and sterotypical. how dare you. Also, haha, MOOBS! man boobies! or should I say moobies...? lmao

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 274