Intimacy: Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room.... - FML

By sportyhusband - 20/01/2010 03:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 087

You deserved it 26 086

Hiding from the drama

Our house, in the middle of our street

Dysfunctional

By Anonymous - 04/10/2014 14:58 - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 3 190

Nope, not me

By mycar - 20/08/2013 17:40 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 791

You deserved it 6 257

By theskippster - 30/05/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 983

You deserved it 65 638

Party for One!

By Sam - 08/12/2017 01:30

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 956

You deserved it 2 099

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 601

You deserved it 45 387

By Anonymous - 02/08/2016 14:42 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 355

You deserved it 1 212

By ohh jeez. - 21/02/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 596

You deserved it 18 857

By bully slayer - 12/12/2018 10:00 - Philippines - Pasay City

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 912

You deserved it 193

By JWhite - 24/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 2 649

By dickbag - 25/11/2015 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom hates my grandmother (her mother-in-law) so much that she's trying to guilt me into not visiting her when I come home for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be coming home for Thanksgiving in the first place, but my grandmother bought me the plane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 367

You deserved it 1 423

By NewBride - 14/08/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 742

You deserved it 5 569

Late reaction

By fuck - 22/01/2020 14:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 223

You deserved it 632

Jammed

By stinky car - 16/08/2013 03:18 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 975

You deserved it 10 390

By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - 19/12/2014 23:14 - United States - Colorado Springs

Spicy

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 952

You deserved it 4 603

By OutOfTheCloset - 02/06/2012 06:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 675

You deserved it 12 927

By Anonymous - 18/08/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 090

You deserved it 2 873

Grossed out

By ChePow - 20/08/2011 18:26 - Canada

Spicy

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 414

You deserved it 6 483

By Flubber - 07/02/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 445

You deserved it 5 811

By xo_lezz - 01/03/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200 507

You deserved it 16 628

By Iamthatgirl - 27/08/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 318

You deserved it 5 811

By Rowan Curry - 15/09/2012 15:37 - United States - San Jose

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 642

You deserved it 49 144

By Anonymous - 03/12/2014 17:06 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 540

You deserved it 46 160

By Renter - 24/03/2011 14:54 - United States

Today, I received a bill for damage to my old apartment. The same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 608

You deserved it 2 753

By Failsafe - 09/05/2016 14:35 - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 567

You deserved it 1 425

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 618

You deserved it 4 079

By NotSteve - 18/04/2009 08:19 - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 511

You deserved it 11 149

By GeeThanks - 25/07/2013 02:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 446

You deserved it 3 965

Whoomp whoomp

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 670

You deserved it 54 381

By serenti - 13/10/2011 21:30 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 038

You deserved it 7 000

By Anonymous - 08/08/2014 23:25 - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 663

You deserved it 3 536

By AllyCat - 07/06/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 987

You deserved it 5 493

By facepalm - 28/12/2009 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 118

You deserved it 12 884

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 332

By thetheatreguy - 26/02/2009 14:56 - Canada

Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 506

You deserved it 12 788

By Sir Anon - 29/02/2016 20:18 - United States - Champlin

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 439

You deserved it 2 165

By team hit bella with a car - 20/10/2014 02:20 - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 436

You deserved it 3 706

By Zach Got Robbed - 08/01/2014 23:02 - United States - Clifton

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 197

You deserved it 5 263

Little fella

By littlefella - 04/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Novato

Spicy

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 111

You deserved it 817

That's not how quarantine works

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 20:00

Today, I sat down in a hair salon. The guy getting his hair cut before me then told the girl doing the cutting that he's on a 2-week quarantine and he's not sure whether or not he's got Covid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 78

By Wow - 11/04/2013 12:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 194

You deserved it 19 276

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:52

why do women complain when men masturbate? that's what men do when you-all don't step up to the mic. or would you rather he cheats on you with another lady? The idea of not rocking the mic right

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:10

They play with balls more than you do, apparently.

Comments

brutal_banger 10

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:29

Wow, that's... just... wow... just... wow.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 16:00

Lol, I want to high five this husband. Well, maybe with a different hand. Still, brilliant. "Well it wasn't porn!"

pu13 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 May 2010 16:57

op should become a tennis player :p

Send a private message

Saturday 11 September 2010 22:39

uep

Send a private message

Sunday 3 April 2011 4:31

so what I work in engineering so I take pride in my erections

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2011 1:51

fuck u looks don't matter and I know ur going to say tht only ugly ppl say tht but I already know I'm ugly

Send a private message

Friday 14 October 2011 23:58

My husband is fucking hot and is wonderful in bed but I still masturbate. My masturbation has nothing to do with my husband's skills or looks. It's my time with myself.

damienwatkins 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

picturescrazy 24

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 22:05

Haha, good point. I'd be pissed if my husband did that too though >.< Nasty.

Send a private message

Friday 29 January 2010 14:49

lol

Send a private message

Saturday 13 March 2010 22:18

maria sharapova!!!!!!

Send a private message

Monday 28 June 2010 15:51

lol

tennisguy2011 1

Send a private message

Tuesday 31 May 2011 22:45

MARIA SHARAPOVA IS SOOOO HOT!!!!!!

SomeRussianGirl 3

Send a private message

Thursday 2 August 2012 6:13

YDI for being so ugly you're husband is Jerking off to tennis.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:37

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:40

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Friday 25 June 2010 11:29

so true. I lick pussy sometimes though. btw, op, I'd be more upset by this than by porn.

Erebus_Terror 12

Send a private message

Thursday 1 January 2015 22:20

I'm intrigued. Please, tell more.

paramorefan125 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:48

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwy

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Thursday 21 January 2010 1:51

I couldn't agree more.

Send a private message

Tuesday 26 January 2010 8:05

I agree one hundred percent.

Send a private message

Sunday 7 February 2010 4:29

BS dude, men masturbate regardless.....

masterclairebear 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:01

It could have just been that he wanted something and she didn't.

whoisthisgirl 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 21 December 2010 1:43

I think she was meaning the watching porn part not masturbating itself.. I'm the same way.

Send a private message

Sunday 11 May 2014 18:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

auro7 18

Send a private message

Monday 7 July 2014 9:37

196, she obviously didn't want to have sex with him, and she didn't like him to watch porn. She either has sex with him, or doesn't mind when he watches porn to get off. Or else he's gonna probably cheat

Send a private message

Tuesday 20 January 2015 0:07

That doesn't answer the question though. Why would anyone care if their boyfriend watches porn? Mine does, a lot, and sometimes we do it together.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:56

at least it wasnt high school musical

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:58

lmao

The_Norwegian 2

Send a private message

Thursday 21 January 2010 1:12

Or Hannah Montana.

Send a private message

Thursday 4 November 2010 4:19

Or Justin Beiber.

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 March 2011 6:59

Or Rebecca Black!

Send a private message

Sunday 3 April 2011 13:54

combo br- or the Jonas brothers ......whoo epic twist

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:10

They play with balls more than you do, apparently.

rawr_iliketacos 0

Send a private message

Friday 25 June 2010 10:57

WINNNNN!

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 September 2011 1:54

looks don't matter so shut the fuck up

DigitalFusion 4

Send a private message

Wednesday 2 November 2011 3:47

^^ someone's ugly...

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Wednesday 27 January 2010 10:43

What's with this cycle thing LMAO. Why is everyone at HER LOL I guess she feel guilty, letting her man know she do not like to know who he gets off to. Now she feels guilty that she drove him to jerk off watching Tennis. She should not do that, your own private sex life, is private. HE would probably not feel guilty, if he caught her rubbing her genitals, watching the neighbour trimming the hedges.. he would think her sexuality is HIS!! Why is masturbation opposed to have sex with your partner...I masturbate as much or more when I have a partner. I like to masturbate AFTER I have had sex, just that I do not share that with my partner, cause it makes him feel not adequate... I do not want to hear or know that he watch porn, cause it makes me feel in inadequate.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 91

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 179

You deserved it 287