Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room....

By sportyhusband - 20/1/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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14053

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Intimacy

Long story short

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By unfortunate - 30/6/2013 04:45 - United States

Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML

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50018

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By "people these days" - 19/7/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

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By blacklove - 12/2/2010 20:19 - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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32461

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By laptopsRus - 19/5/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

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By girlfromnowhere - 23/2/2016 11:06 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

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23608

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By Whateversz - 24/7/2010 19:59 - Netherlands

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

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37933

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2017 12:00

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

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By IAMALITAHA - 27/6/2014 06:11 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

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45317

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By We raised that fool - 6/8/2014 13:21 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

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By motheroftwo - 6/1/2010 08:41 - Norway

Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML

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33524

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By facepalm - 28/12/2010 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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28073

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By traveller - 13/4/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, I drove 9 hours and took Monday off of work to surprise my Mom and Dad for Easter. They weren't home so I called to tell them the surprise, rather than wait. They didn't answer as they were on a flight to Denver to surprise me for Easter since "I couldn't get off work." FML

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76335

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By Disappointed - 26/5/2016 20:27 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

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14067

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I paid a repair man $65 to come to my house and fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side saying "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said "all fixed." FML

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By Lara - 8/1/2016 11:28 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

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19312

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By not_fakingit - 22/9/2013 04:26 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML

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42374

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By I Feel Horrible - 20/7/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

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58827

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By surfernerd6987 - 11/6/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

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55000

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By beaverless - 2/5/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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38394

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 06:56 - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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27512

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By oh dear - 25/10/2009 09:06 - France

Today, my daughter threw a can of hairspray into the fireplace because she saw someone do it on YouTube. FML

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44185

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2013 05:23 - United States

Today, I texted a girl I met at the bar last night. She accused me of being "fake" because she couldn't find me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, then threatened to call the cops on me. FML

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39690

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 20:02

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to

Today, during a deep conversation with my girlfriend of 6 months, I asked her if the guy she had cheated on me once with a few months back had a bigger “tool” than me. She said yes. So I asked, "How much bigger are we talking about?" Her response was "Probably like twice the size." FML

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740

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 19:58 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I was giving my friend a crash course in Star Wars over coffee. As I was telling him about the primitive and savage Sand People, some attention-seeking tit came out of nowhere and called me racist. Apparently she thought I was talking about people from the Middle East. FML

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By puppielover - 21/8/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 01:16 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

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48438

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By navyma - 17/9/2009 05:10 - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - 23/7/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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31068

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By me - 2/1/2016 08:25 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

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22260

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 08:21 - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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34511

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By thanks babe - 6/10/2014 23:47 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

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By Crazy Mom - 10/6/2013 05:13 - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

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59996

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By anon - 16/1/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

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13700

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 06:24 - United Arab Emirates

Today, this guy I've been "seeing" for a year said he didn't want to share my birthday with me because he doesn't want us to get serious. FML

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29495

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By Junkrat - 8/12/2016 13:32

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

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16190

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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1468

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123

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By FMlovelife - 28/6/2012 15:28 - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 15:09 - Canada

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

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25842

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By SimpleSwimmer - 4/10/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

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Top comments

By tyrob911 | 0

#785932 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:52

why do women complain when men masturbate? that's what men do when you-all don't step up to the mic. or would you rather he cheats on you with another lady?
The idea of not rocking the mic right

By Freeze_fml | 16

#785969 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:10

They play with balls more than you do, apparently.

COMMENTS

By brutal_banger | 10

#785866 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:29

Wow, that's... just... wow... just... wow.

White667 | 0

#786449 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 16:00

Lol, I want to high five this husband. Well, maybe with a different hand.

Still, brilliant. "Well it wasn't porn!"

pu13 | 5

#988256 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 16:57

op should become a tennis player :p

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1388894 - Saturday 11 September 2010 22:39

uep

zendaddy0 | 0

#2283957 - Sunday 3 April 2011 4:31

so what I work in engineering so I take pride in my erections

Megan36 | 3

#3280265 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 1:51

fuck u looks don't matter and I know ur going to say tht only ugly ppl say tht but I already know I'm ugly

asherah14 | 7

#3433253 - Friday 14 October 2011 23:58

My husband is fucking hot and is wonderful in bed but I still masturbate. My masturbation has nothing to do with my husband's skills or looks. It's my time with myself.

By damienwatkins | 0

#785883 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

picturescrazy | 24

#787039 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 22:05

Haha, good point. I'd be pissed if my husband did that too though >.< Nasty.

jts2x3 | 0

#807263 - Friday 29 January 2010 14:49

lol

nuccalo | 0

#943608 - Saturday 13 March 2010 22:18

maria sharapova!!!!!!

bflakes | 1

#1046999 - Monday 28 June 2010 15:51

lol

tennisguy2011 | 1

#2595249 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 22:45

MARIA SHARAPOVA IS SOOOO HOT!!!!!!

SomeRussianGirl | 3

#4762529 - Thursday 2 August 2012 6:13

YDI for being so ugly you're husband is Jerking off to tennis.

By simon445 | 0

#785894 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:37

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By E40_fml | 0

#785905 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

chelzy | 0

#1042782 - Friday 25 June 2010 11:29

so true. I lick pussy sometimes though. btw, op, I'd be more upset by this than by porn.

Erebus_Terror | 12

#6160136 - Thursday 1 January 2015 22:20

I'm intrigued. Please, tell more.

By paramorefan125 | 0

#785922 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:48

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwy

By tyrob911 | 0

#785932 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

george456 | 0

#787513 - Thursday 21 January 2010 1:51

I couldn't agree more.

Ravtaz | 0

#799484 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 8:05

I agree one hundred percent.

OMGitsME432 | 1

#832155 - Sunday 7 February 2010 4:29

BS dude, men masturbate regardless.....

masterclairebear | 0

#967503 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 23:01

It could have just been that he wanted something and she didn't.

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1871792 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 1:43

I think she was meaning the watching porn part not masturbating itself.. I'm the same way.

mrningbrd | 19

#5941566 - Sunday 11 May 2014 18:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

auro7 | 18

#6000574 - Monday 7 July 2014 9:37

196, she obviously didn't want to have sex with him, and she didn't like him to watch porn. She either has sex with him, or doesn't mind when he watches porn to get off. Or else he's gonna probably cheat

Daesh_fml | 9

#6177829 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 0:07

That doesn't answer the question though. Why would anyone care if their boyfriend watches porn? Mine does, a lot, and sometimes we do it together.

By chaos753159 | 4

#785937 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:56

at least it wasnt high school musical

bombchelle | 0

#785947 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 9:58

lmao

The_Norwegian | 2

#787407 - Thursday 21 January 2010 1:12

Or Hannah Montana.

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1647479 - Thursday 4 November 2010 4:19

Or Justin Beiber.

SaraaGurll | 0

#2260074 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 6:59

Or Rebecca Black!

zendaddy0 | 0

#2285771 - Sunday 3 April 2011 13:54

combo br- or the Jonas brothers ......whoo epic twist

By Freeze_fml | 16

#785969 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:10

They play with balls more than you do, apparently.

rawr_iliketacos | 0

#1042749 - Friday 25 June 2010 10:57

WINNNNN!

By rc3187 | 0

#785971 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Megan36 | 3

#3280282 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 1:54

looks don't matter so shut the fuck up

DigitalFusion | 4

#3528532 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 3:47

^^ someone's ugly...

By bombtastic | 10

#785984 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 10:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

AstroTurf | 0

#801821 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 10:43

What's with this cycle thing LMAO. Why is everyone at HER LOL I guess she feel guilty, letting her man know she do not like to know who he gets off to. Now she feels guilty that she drove him to jerk off watching Tennis. She should not do that, your own private sex life, is private.

HE would probably not feel guilty, if he caught her rubbing her genitals, watching the neighbour trimming the hedges.. he would think her sexuality is HIS!!

Why is masturbation opposed to have sex with your partner...I masturbate as much or more when I have a partner. I like to masturbate AFTER I have had sex, just that I do not share that with my partner, cause it makes him feel not adequate... I do not want to hear or know that he watch porn, cause it makes me feel in inadequate.