Work: Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her... - FML

22/04/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 064

You deserved it 2 460

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Late term

BO Central

14/01/2016 22:21 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 446

You deserved it 1 882

30/08/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 900

You deserved it 1 768

21/05/2015 11:51 - France

Today, my neighbor was having work done in his apartment, and he'd warned me that there might be some noise. Yes, there was, what with all the town's firemen in the building after he'd ruptured the main gas pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 162

You deserved it 2 078

07/01/2011 00:26

Today, I fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye. The doctor in the ER sealed the wound with surgical glue. He also glued his glove to my eyebrow, and let glue run onto my eyelid. Not only do I have a scar and medical bill, I now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 687

You deserved it 2 450

25/01/2010 08:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 451

You deserved it 4 595

15/02/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 622

You deserved it 4 689

20/02/2010 15:13 - Singapore

Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 781

You deserved it 2 667

04/08/2014 23:04 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 064

You deserved it 9 142

11/07/2013 23:13 - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 504

You deserved it 18 702

25/03/2012 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 800

You deserved it 2 706

03/12/2009 09:47 - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 654

You deserved it 2 325

12/09/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 195

You deserved it 769

16/07/2016 17:53 - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 642

You deserved it 2 059

Let me go

By quitfuckingalready! - 04/09/2020 08:00 - United States

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 177

17/09/2013 17:23 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. After assessing the loss, I saw a taunting note on the fridge saying, "Locks work best when the door's SHUT." My housekeeper had apparently left the door wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 526

You deserved it 4 040

11/12/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 589

You deserved it 3 675

16/08/2017 01:30

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 403

You deserved it 692

23/01/2009 12:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 909

You deserved it 8 279

09/10/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, three months after finally ending a long relationship with the love of my life because he was cheating on me, we are now seeing each other again. And cheating on our new significant others with each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 031

You deserved it 86 769

03/11/2018 12:00

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 505

You deserved it 217

23/02/2015 23:42 - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 195

You deserved it 2 409

05/01/2014 05:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my 5-year-old nephew to clean up his mess of toys. He responded by kicking my foot. My bandaged foot which was still recovering from my surgery last week. I'm probably going to need another operation to fix the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 009

You deserved it 5 069

15/10/2013 20:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 785

You deserved it 3 308

06/08/2015 19:18 - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 967

You deserved it 3 131

13/08/2009 17:21 - Denmark

Today, I got my first facebook friend request in 4 months. I also got a message in my inbox. The message said: "Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Just ignore my friend request." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 067

You deserved it 7 464

Slid right out

By Tabby Rosas - 21/02/2021 21:30

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 63

12/09/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 593

You deserved it 5 008

06/06/2017 18:00

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 593

You deserved it 571

07/05/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 092

You deserved it 13 686

31/07/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my parents switched phone companies, which changed the phone number. Two days ago, I dropped off over 15 job applications with my 'old' number on all of them. There is a waiting period before I can reapply anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 531

You deserved it 4 205

21/06/2011 14:49 - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 901

You deserved it 4 855

02/09/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 919

You deserved it 4 300

09/08/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 761

You deserved it 933

Full house

By ugh. - 21/04/2019 07:00 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, after waiting two months to attend a very important course, I finally got to go. This is the same day I caught a horrible cold, got Auntie Flow’s monthly visit, my IBS flared up, and my acid reflux as well. So here I go, crampy, constipated, congested, and gassy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 121

You deserved it 240

Kids will be kids

By bad influence - 29/03/2021 15:30 - United States

Today, I've been getting terrible backlash from the neighbors after I forbade my kids from hanging out with one of the neighborhood kids. They think I dislike her because she’s trans. The truth is she’s rude, disrespectful, has been in several fights and had run ins with the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 65

Unfair

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 11:01

Today, I refused to manually count $64 in pennies from a customer, because I would hold up the line and I was one of three registers open. In fact, I advised her to use the Coinstar machine in the lobby. She refused, threw a fit and demanded my manager for being “incompetent”. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 307

Industrial logs

By wow - 19/02/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 494

You deserved it 36 852

29/03/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 681

You deserved it 2 130

09/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 375

You deserved it 604

Awkward family gatherings

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 16:01 - United States - Bensenville

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 131

You deserved it 3 438

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

MyDadLeftMeInKFC 21

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:40

Just don't let him catch you trying to clean her filter.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:41

I feel sorry for the wife for more reasons than one if he thinks that porn is a realistic depiction of anything...

Comments

stephenfranklin 15

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:40

That could get out of "hand", if you know what I mean.

Rainbow2Cloud 12

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 5:05

Your picture and your comment go pretty well together.

Rainbow2Cloud 12

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 5:07

Oh and it's not everyday you see a man with a taped up face; along with two vibrators and a dildo on his head. Your picture really sends good vibrations my way.

ExtremeEncounter 32

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 12:58

I find it funny that OP's name is "cock blocked", considering the FML.

MyDadLeftMeInKFC 21

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:40

Just don't let him catch you trying to clean her filter.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 1:13

Also don't say anything to the wife on the lines of "Are you prepared to get wet, because these pipes are about to burst"

ArsenicApple 15

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 5:02

#17 I'm not even gonna lie that was the best and also the worst thing I've read all day

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 5:07

These puns are so good but so bad!

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:40

Maybe he doesn't watch enough porn to know how blatantly fake that shit is.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 6:33

I dunno, maybe it's not so far from the truth. OP's user name is "cock blocked", after all

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:41

I feel sorry for the wife for more reasons than one if he thinks that porn is a realistic depiction of anything...

Eyalsh 32

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 2:22

well, maybe if she had had less Headaches..

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 4:15

#34 Wait what???

HumanitysFinest 15

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:43

I totally agree #4

mightycocoman 12

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 1:14

that's why you hit the thumbs up or reply to the comment

AnOriginalName 19

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 1:22

I totally agree #18.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 5:17

I totally agree #22.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 6:56

The motorcycle is cool, but hop off the bandwagon ;)

Cads1 24

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:44

Porn isn't real? That can't be right.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 7:18

I guess porn categories like Homemade is most of the time real.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:45

I wonder if he does the same thing to pizza guys.

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:48

haha this made me smile:)

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:50

Next time he's there pull up with your car playing some 70's porn theme!

Send a private message

Thursday 23 April 2015 0:54

He's probably been having an affair with the babysitter for years.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 123

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 137