Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML
Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML
Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML
Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML
Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML
Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML
Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML
Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML
Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML
Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML
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Top comments
Sir_ND_Pity 35
I say let him try it. He'll see how far his swag will take him. Life lessons.
BananaDildo 1
McDonalds is now accepting graduates from Swag University. Maybe he'll get in.
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Comments (205)
darwinism 30
Yes, the judge will let him go after a few years. But first he must show inmates at the local prison what "swag" is, to stop them from reoffending once on the outside.
Ambiguous404 6
Swag can get you very far! I agree with him! I don't see anything wrong with this! I passed high school just because of my swag
ileenefudge 29
I cant tell if you're being sarcastic or not but I think you might have passed because they got tired of seeing you and your "swag" there...trust me, I may only be 21 but living on my own as a single mom and graduating college in a year, swag gets you no where in the real world. You won't find a good job with it. Try having Class and maturing a little and i'm sure you'll get much farther.
ileenefudge 29
Sorry I just really hate stupid phrases like swag and Yolo. I hope I wasn't to harsh with my last comment because that wasn't my intention.
CharresBarkrey 16
If you showed up, you passed high school. It's one of the easiest parts of life, it's not really something to brag about finishing.
Christala 8
I do. Can we do drive-by head-batting of hipsters on fixies while we're out looking for swaggots?
Christala 8
I agree with you that swagger alone will not get you far. However, there are plenty of situations where a little cockiness or swagger can project confidence and competence, two things that are very useful in say a job interview or public speaking engagement.
Ambiguous404 6
Ouch, I was being sarcastic! In hindsight, this was a bad joke I am sorry if you were offended! Oh and by the way here in England we have something called GCSEs and A levels and you have to pass them by studying and doing exams not by simply turning up! Anyways my apologies if you were offended
ileenefudge 29
No big deal everyone makes mistakes. I actually went to 2 different high schools because I switched foster homes between 10th and 11th grade and school was incredibly hard for me. I know so many that ended up graduating though just because one of my schools wanted to make room for the new students so seniors often just went to summer school and graduated from there instead of repeating the grade and walking with the class.
saulito51 7
Thank you for the truth:0
jeffcox99 10
Are you retarded?
UnluckyGenius 21
I smell a troll.
RodzillaX 30
I smell bacon.
UnluckyGenius 21
Can you share when you find said bacon?
mr_sarcastic416 29
I smell burnt toast (waits to see how many get the reference)
zandalee 20
Nope. Still trying to find bacon...
UnluckyGenius 21
I am glad so many of us are on this quest for bacon, I have many a senior citizen tell me "This is not the meat you are looking for." And I have half a mind to taste test next time.
tckma 9
26, This reference will be lost on most non-Canadians. Being American myself, I have not actually ever seen the commercial; but was just told about it often by Canadian friends.
monnanon 14
26 isn't smelling burnt toast one of the signs you're going to have a stroke?
larsak 3
Tell him "damn straight!"
NotGabe 28
There's no way you can lose with that logic.
mr_sarcastic416 29
#10 that shit's gonna get packed
GrinchFu1 27
Not only does this moron deserve a nice long stay in county or federal prison, I hope the judge orders sterilization as well. People like this terrify me. Someday these mindless pricks are gonna procreate... Oh my god. The thought of this guy raising children is going to give me nightmares tonight. This is gonna be a loss for you but a short term win for us.
AwkwardHaole808 16
Swaggits. Ruining their lives, one step at a time.
sacmaster 11
The judge may just let him go if he sports a yolo shirt while showcasing his swag and ends every spoken sentence with 'swag'. Now that is an impenetrable defense.
Steffi 26
Maybe the judge will let him go for lack of self awareness and common sense..