Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to... - FML

By Damm - 24/1/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37190

You deserved it

2737

Tweet

Share

Creepy

Healthy relationship

My body, my choice

By buzzzzkill - 27/8/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48742

You deserved it

2605

Tweet

Share

By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

Today, I baby sat a four-year old kid, because his parents went partying. Once in bed, he yells "I want to go party!!". After 3 or 4 times, I told him to go to sleep. 2 hours later, wet bed. "Told you I want to go potty!!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

18937

You deserved it

52129

Tweet

Share

By counselor - 25/8/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she said 'buried'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31157

You deserved it

9032

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/8/2014 17:24 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22656

You deserved it

51157

Tweet

Share

By Iwasjustmovingout - 5/5/2019 00:00

Today, out of the blue, my husband suggested to his parents that they move to our town for the next six months, with the understanding that we’d see them nearly every day. I found out about this when they starting making plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1821

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

By a chick in California - 14/6/2012 20:10 - United States - Ceres

Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35057

You deserved it

8648

Tweet

Share

By Uhh - 13/6/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding reception. My boyfriend of 3 years decided to give a toast to the happy couple. He was drunk and confessed his undying love to my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49013

You deserved it

3787

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/3/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27383

You deserved it

2450

Tweet

Share

By hello to you too - 30/8/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2812

You deserved it

823

Tweet

Share

By Hungrey - 29/5/2012 01:38 - United States

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26488

You deserved it

4360

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46995

You deserved it

3516

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42159

You deserved it

7342

Tweet

Share

By Ashamed - 20/4/2012 07:34 - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21311

You deserved it

10391

Tweet

Share

By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6886

You deserved it

533

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/5/2012 04:41 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the optometrist for him to buy contact lenses for the first time. He said the detail was much better than glasses. I excitedly asked him if he could see my freckles better now, and after a long and disappointed look at my face, he said "Nope, just more acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25504

You deserved it

3714

Tweet

Share

By blech - 8/12/2014 23:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26661

You deserved it

2524

Tweet

Share

By onionrings - 8/6/2015 00:53 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25472

You deserved it

2497

Tweet

Share

By kids shouldnt have hard sports equipment - 18/1/2016 01:48 - Australia - Woodville

Today, I was knocked unconscious by the 10 year-old I was babysitting because it was his younger sister's bedtime and he didn't want her to go. When I came to, their mother was screaming at me for sleeping on the job. In the middle of the kitchen floor. I lost a job and gained a killer headache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23056

You deserved it

1603

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1297

You deserved it

491

Tweet

Share

By Mandoune - 7/11/2008 14:18 - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24260

You deserved it

4553

Tweet

Share

By iFail - 25/12/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28869

You deserved it

5381

Tweet

Share

By lifelike - 29/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Oroville

Today, after weeks of wondering if my cat has a fetish for licking my bed covers, I finally witnessed him licking up an ant off of the covers. Turns out that my bed is infested with ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26755

You deserved it

5338

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29536

You deserved it

2605

Tweet

Share

By sleepy - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10467

You deserved it

980

Tweet

Share

By FailMan - 17/1/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8019

You deserved it

55521

Tweet

Share

By KnightToucan - 21/6/2019 02:09

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1493

You deserved it

122

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 8/1/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58017

You deserved it

4939

Tweet

Share

By bloodymatzaball - 2/8/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11436

You deserved it

63286

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/2/2011 08:36 - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26716

You deserved it

3791

Tweet

Share

By boytoy - 2/9/2009 21:23 - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44001

You deserved it

18864

Tweet

Share

By RedHatKat - 21/10/2015 02:02 - United States - Burr Hill

Today, my dryer broke in the middle of drying my essential work clothes. This resulted in me wearing partially-dried pants to work today. As a nanny I have encountered diaper rashes before, just not on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22125

You deserved it

1736

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11393

You deserved it

46128

Tweet

Share

By LL - 4/2/2016 14:13 - United States - Seattle

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22966

You deserved it

2939

Tweet

Share

By me - 29/10/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19958

You deserved it

35232

Tweet

Share

By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3695

You deserved it

418

Tweet

Share

By Poopyhead - 8/11/2009 19:14 - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30620

You deserved it

15630

Tweet

Share

By notamathematician - 7/3/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42432

You deserved it

2769

Tweet

Share

By Catpiss - 3/1/2018 16:30 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4072

You deserved it

546

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40486

You deserved it

6711

Tweet

Share

By ihpgolj - 18/6/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike down a road I know is quite hazardous. Having almost been hit in the same spot the day before, I rode across the intersection very satisfied without having been injured. Until I crashed into the guy front of me and flipped over my handlebars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11834

You deserved it

43845

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By poisenoreo46 | 0

#76 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 3:16

groovy baby

By BetaGirl | 0

#4663 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:44

what no pic?

COMMENTS

By poisenoreo46 | 0

#76 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 3:16

groovy baby

Reply

7myname7 | 0

#981194 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:12

u would have been popular in the 60's ;)

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1019707 - Saturday 5 June 2010 3:51

that is so freakin cool

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#1039313 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 17:21

dude... that's a blessing, do you know how easy you'll get latex?

Reply

z620 | 0

#1046712 - Monday 28 June 2010 5:16

find a hippie chick

Reply

Specterk50 | 0

#1253421 - Monday 16 August 2010 18:49

groovy sex too...look at all the colors...ooh

Reply

ifinsane | 6

#3604128 - Saturday 19 November 2011 3:34

That'll be so awesome when your high.

By greenman_fml | 0

#112 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 13:20

if you're gay you should donate your dick to a museum

By BetaGirl | 0

#4663 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:44

what no pic?

By rikhi_chauhdry | 0

#5621 - Monday 23 February 2009 3:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

nitram0606 | 0

#2789804 - Thursday 30 June 2011 7:44

idiot

Reply

Matt_Lord_Of_The | 3

#2811587 - Sunday 3 July 2011 8:12

anything is possible if you just believe

Reply

bboy6694 | 4

#4370467 - Sunday 29 April 2012 21:06

^^You obviously never tried stapling water to a tree

Reply

gunnerysgt | 15

#5376755 - Thursday 21 February 2013 2:41

Lol

Reply

WiseGirl98 | 5

#5624834 - Monday 12 August 2013 23:15

put water into a plastic baggy, then staple the bag, duh! I thought everyone knew that. or splash water onto the tree then staple the tree, it'll have some water underneath the staple, so technically it's stabled...

By juicebahx | 0

#17423 - Friday 6 March 2009 3:25

Only today?

Reply

jkjkjuju1 | 0

#899250 - Sunday 28 February 2010 2:46

haha, I hate how poorly written all of these fmls are. it's so annoying.

By tbeaun | 0

#24433 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 17:55

Might as well make the best of it & go fuck a hippy chick.

By redracer57 | 0

#29374 - Friday 13 March 2009 4:59

RAINBOW PENIS!!! =D

By little_one | 20

#33454 - Monday 16 March 2009 0:10

Thats awesome i'd pay money to see it!

By 91Caleb | 0

#43100 - Thursday 19 March 2009 19:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By paddyl888 | 0

#49862 - Sunday 22 March 2009 13:06

Why do so many people think that this guy deserved this:S