Health: Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to... - FML

By Damm - United States

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

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Season finale

Walk on the wild side

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

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By hearingthings - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

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By seriously? - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By Anonymous

C'est la langue de l'amour!

Today, my French teacher set up a role-play scenario to act out in front of the class. During one of my lines, I mispronounced a phrase and called my teacher sexy. FML

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By mallyboo - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By Anonymous

Parked, indefinitely

Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By SuddenlyDogless - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By moxy

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By josh - United States

Today, I found out that I had my first born child. It's a boy. I found out on facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to slowly explain to my slightly ditzy roommate that no, I will not grow testicles due to taking testosterone supplements. FML

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By kaz89 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation between a coworker and a new employee. The new girl was trying to get familiar with people's names, and she asked my coworker, "Which one is Heather?" He answered, "The annoying one." She said, "Oh, that's Heather." I'm Heather. FML

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By Anonymous - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

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By =( - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By mc - France

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

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By Jugan - France - Vaulx-milieu

Today, I discovered a way to send a massive number of text messages to someone simultaneously, so I decided to do it to my friend as a prank. I quickly noticed that I forgot to disable the delivery notification feature. FML

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By Samantha - United States - Holt

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

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By sierraisfucked - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

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By anon - Canada

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

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By rosie21030 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By FMeeee - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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By kmtranter - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked me if my boyfriend and I were getting serious. I quickly lied and said no. She then informed me that if things ever heated up that she would take me to get birthcontrol. Wanting birthcontrol, I confessed. In turn she grounded me. I am not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. FML

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my family is going to the USA for Christmas after being lucky and getting their tickets re-booked. My ticket was canceled due to the snow, and will not be re-booked. Merry Christmas to me, myself and a bottle of wine. FML

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By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By sharkiewarkiemoosey - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

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By ohray - Turkey - Kibris

Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML

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By GabsAlot829 - United States

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

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Top comments

By poisenoreo46 | 0

#76 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 3:16

groovy baby

By BetaGirl | 0

#4663 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:44

what no pic?

COMMENTS

By poisenoreo46 | 0

#76 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 3:16

groovy baby

Reply

7myname7 | 0

#981194 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:12

u would have been popular in the 60's ;)

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1019707 - Saturday 5 June 2010 3:51

that is so freakin cool

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#1039313 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 17:21

dude... that's a blessing, do you know how easy you'll get latex?

Reply

z620 | 0

#1046712 - Monday 28 June 2010 5:16

find a hippie chick

Reply

Specterk50 | 0

#1253421 - Monday 16 August 2010 18:49

groovy sex too...look at all the colors...ooh

Reply

ifinsane | 6

#3604128 - Saturday 19 November 2011 3:34

That'll be so awesome when your high.

By greenman_fml | 0

#112 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 13:20

if you're gay you should donate your dick to a museum

By BetaGirl | 0

#4663 - Saturday 21 February 2009 1:44

what no pic?

By rikhi_chauhdry | 1

#5621 - Monday 23 February 2009 3:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

nitram0606 | 0

#2789804 - Thursday 30 June 2011 7:44

idiot

Reply

Matt_Lord_Of_The | 3

#2811587 - Sunday 3 July 2011 8:12

anything is possible if you just believe

Reply

bboy6694 | 4

#4370467 - Sunday 29 April 2012 21:06

^^You obviously never tried stapling water to a tree

Reply

gunnerysgt | 15

#5376755 - Thursday 21 February 2013 2:41

Lol

Reply

WiseGirl98 | 5

#5624834 - Monday 12 August 2013 23:15

put water into a plastic baggy, then staple the bag, duh! I thought everyone knew that. or splash water onto the tree then staple the tree, it'll have some water underneath the staple, so technically it's stabled...

By juicebahx | 0

#17423 - Friday 6 March 2009 3:25

Only today?

Reply

jkjkjuju1 | 0

#899250 - Sunday 28 February 2010 2:46

haha, I hate how poorly written all of these fmls are. it's so annoying.

By tbeaun | 0

#24433 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 17:55

Might as well make the best of it & go fuck a hippy chick.

By redracer57 | 0

#29374 - Friday 13 March 2009 4:59

RAINBOW PENIS!!! =D

By little_one | 20

#33454 - Monday 16 March 2009 0:10

Thats awesome i'd pay money to see it!

By 91Caleb | 0

#43100 - Thursday 19 March 2009 19:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By paddyl888 | 0

#49862 - Sunday 22 March 2009 13:06

Why do so many people think that this guy deserved this:S