Intimacy and Health: What's up, doc? - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 619

What's up, doc?

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 962

You deserved it 1 920

Intimacy Health

Taking stock

Shave it off, own it!

Where's mah caaaaake?

Odd one out

By fun_gal - 25/03/2020 17:00

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 207

18/01/2010 01:26

Spicy

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 172

You deserved it 22 657

25/12/2010 07:08

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 811

You deserved it 30 015

24/02/2016 17:28

Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 172

You deserved it 2 939

15/08/2016 18:29

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 979

You deserved it 1 312

01/09/2012 06:02

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 393

You deserved it 3 166

It wasn't me

By not mine! - 16/06/2020 05:07

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 217

You deserved it 187

13/12/2008 05:48

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 737

You deserved it 2 944

12/01/2011 05:31

Spicy

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 106

You deserved it 6 584

16/09/2014 18:28

Today, in college, we were asked at what age girls tend to become physically attractive. Wrongly thinking the answer was in relation to puberty, I said "Umm... 11 or 12?" Now everyone thinks I'm some kind of pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 133

You deserved it 9 500

26/02/2013 16:43

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 367

You deserved it 4 676

High Times

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 747

You deserved it 331

25/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 452

You deserved it 754

09/08/2010 14:38

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 171

You deserved it 28 549

Forever alone man

By Boyufd - 02/01/2021 08:00

Today, I feel so lonely I talked to the likely scam number that called me. Even then they hung up after 2 minutes of talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 157

16/11/2011 04:15

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 197

You deserved it 3 177

09/02/2009 00:01

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 389

You deserved it 5 897

Modern romance...

By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 8 573

Not you

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 01:02

Today, I avoided checking Facebook because I didn't want to see all the Halloween parties involving my friends that I didn't get invited to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 124

05/02/2015 01:21

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 353

You deserved it 3 241

10/12/2012 05:10

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 751

You deserved it 6 713

08/05/2012 05:05

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 863

You deserved it 2 958

14/09/2009 15:17

Today, it was my court date for a car accident I was involved in back in July. I had spent months preparing a case to prove my innocence. I was scheduled to appear at 10:00 this morning. I woke up at 10:15AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 012

You deserved it 69 817

02/01/2012 17:30

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 134

You deserved it 7 850

28/08/2010 04:54

Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 329

You deserved it 39 073

First date, and probably the last

By DrunkGirl - 20/09/2021 17:41

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 760

You deserved it 63 237

Big boss man

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 10:58

Today, I have a doctor’s note confirming that I'm high risk for Covid and should only work from home. My boss still demands I come to the office, even though the only person I meet there is the guy who sterilizes the door handles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 217

01/01/2016 16:23

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 200

You deserved it 1 530

25/05/2012 16:03

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 464

You deserved it 3 132

13/03/2012 16:08

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 869

You deserved it 2 037

09/06/2012 21:15

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 341

You deserved it 29 551

27/11/2011 01:51

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 786

You deserved it 13 576

16/01/2015 12:49

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 591

You deserved it 3 443

01/02/2009 08:11

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 571

You deserved it 11 410

Delayed

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 07:59

Today, the psychiatrist who I've been relying on to evaluate my condition to give me some real help, who I've been waiting on my appointment with for three months, suddenly rescheduled me until February next year. Why? Because she's "not working that day". I can't afford to see anyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 67

I was bored before I even began

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 23:01

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 178

09/01/2010 10:12

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 303

You deserved it 34 697

The virus claims another victim

By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 16:58

Today, I ran out of woodworking masks. I can't get a new one because of COVID. The cotton ones don't stop any of the dangerous particles, and now I have a cough. Screw COVID-19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 145

04/03/2017 12:00

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 338

You deserved it 577

Indoctrinated

By workfordayzz - 14/05/2014 17:45

Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 211

You deserved it 8 922

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Top comments

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 7 April 2018 5:07

Gently apply Tabasco sauce to the affected area 3 times a day until the symptoms subside...

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Wednesday 31 January 2018 0:54

And it burns, burns, burns the ring of fire. The ring of fire. All jokes aside what could you be doing to cause friction burns? I hate to ask, but an FML like this can only get funnier with an answer.

Comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 31 January 2018 0:54

And it burns, burns, burns the ring of fire. The ring of fire. All jokes aside what could you be doing to cause friction burns? I hate to ask, but an FML like this can only get funnier with an answer.

pugs 12

Send a private message

Saturday 7 April 2018 8:14

It's because his tinder dates leave before they finish their appetizers.

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 7 April 2018 8:28

My guess is that he got his dick caught in a belt sander.

JustALesbian 16

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Saturday 7 April 2018 20:39

Jerked with a sock prolly

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 7 April 2018 5:07

Gently apply Tabasco sauce to the affected area 3 times a day until the symptoms subside...

RipperoniPizza 19

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Saturday 7 April 2018 5:30

It could be worse. You could be writing an FML about how you contracted an STD. But friction burns down under definitely are a feeling best left unfelt.

ayenii 14

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Saturday 7 April 2018 5:35

Ouch, have fun with that. Guessing you had a little too much shower sex lately.

LAUGHINGKOMODO 25

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Saturday 7 April 2018 6:02

Honestly that is better than most things that could have been. This one is probably the most embarrassing one though

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Saturday 7 April 2018 6:10

Foreplay, you need much more foreplay. Get well soon little buddy.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 7 April 2018 6:14

Invest in lotion and learn to use a looser grip!

bigdaddyeric 30

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Saturday 7 April 2018 6:46

Use some lotion for all that motion dude!

Jason Cropper_835786005 6

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Saturday 7 April 2018 7:34

This is because you need lubrication when you self pleasure. I recommend a little jalapeño juice. Adds a little spice to your love life and the sensation is incredible.

CrazyTrainWreck 19

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Saturday 7 April 2018 7:40

At that rate you could solve the world's energy crisis all on your own.