By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

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1786

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Creepy

All for nothing

A beautiful truck decoration

By Need Clothes Now - 21/9/2014 15:51 - United States - Pendleton

Today, I flew across country to college. My luggage did not. FML

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39603

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By Tom - 25/11/2010 13:28

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

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By seriousdubsteplover - 30/10/2009 05:08 - Australia

Today, when going to fill up the kettle, I noticed a bad smell and pieces of something coming out of the tap. Turns out there was a dead snake in my water supply. FML

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38520

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By Robbins - 31/8/2009 02:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

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34607

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By nothappywithlife - 30/3/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

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By limegreenpoopie - 6/9/2016 13:38 - United States - Valrico

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

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13403

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1471

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By really? - 28/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Kids

Today, I noticed my daughter’s sullen mood and asked if there was anything I could do to help. With tears in her eyes, she snapped, “Yeah, you can go back in time and keep that appointment you’d made at planned parenthood!” I never had such an appointment and her older brother is a mean asshole. FML

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By stuckhome - 8/4/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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31684

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By poppet2010 - 17/1/2010 15:58 - France

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

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35574

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By ChocolateEverywhere - 23/3/2017 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

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By mimo - 14/11/2008 04:16 - France

Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

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By kirrby - 12/11/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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3337

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By Tooloud - 24/3/2013 23:21 - Canada

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

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43905

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By Username - 26/4/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

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By Anonymousagb - 24/4/2009 15:18 - United Arab Emirates

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was staying at my friend's house, which is next door. Our houses are the same layout, only mirrored, so tonight when I got out of bed in the dark I instinctively turned to my left, thinking I was entering the bathroom, and fell down the stairs. Three of my teeth are missing. FML

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3319

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398

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2014 02:45 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

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By skunkcat - 11/3/2020 21:00 - United States

Smelly business

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

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543

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By leftout - 25/12/2015 05:51 - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

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By imnotacheateryouimmaturefuck - 27/11/2012 01:41 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by throwing my stuff out of his place, and accusing me of cheating while yelling, "Cheater, cheater! Pumpkin eater!" When I tried explaining that I have no clue what he's talking about, he started exclaiming, "Liar, liar! Pants on fire!" FML

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By RayneSong - 20/11/2012 23:25 - United States - Lansing

Today, I'm in the hospital and it's been 44 hours since I've eaten anything. My doctors won't let me eat and my parents are sitting across the room, eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 05:51 - United States - Orlando

Today, I realized I can't wait until my daughter moves out the house when she is 18. She is eight. FML

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By me - 7/3/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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31799

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

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53662

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 21:50 - United States - Wexford

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

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By O - 24/2/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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33262

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1998

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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30459

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By Username - 30/12/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

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8961

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By nerderer - 30/4/2015 18:48 - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

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26775

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 14:00

Are you taking the piss?

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

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1417

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By crying over wasted milk - 14/8/2019 17:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

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2219

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241

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

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46632

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By singleagain - 15/5/2012 01:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

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23919

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By pitytitty - 9/1/2015 09:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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34350

You deserved it

7119

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By horno - 2/12/2015 20:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad why the Wi-fi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

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24604

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By sarahfromthesouth - 8/6/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

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43471

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By amyhyett - 28/1/2015 23:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

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26539

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By lonely - 15/4/2013 03:45 - United States

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house. After asking him what was wrong due to his weird attitude, he responded with, "This isn't working; I'm in love with my sister." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7934555 - Saturday 29 August 2020 2:04

Can you blame him? Lots of guys are worried about size.

Wait until his date finds out that it's you that really has the big one.

By kfchicken_fml | 26

#7934609 - Saturday 29 August 2020 9:18

cum on his bed in retaliation, it would only be fair

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7934555 - Saturday 29 August 2020 2:04

Can you blame him? Lots of guys are worried about size.

Wait until his date finds out that it's you that really has the big one.

Sherry_Cherry_ | 2

#7934746 - Sunday 30 August 2020 0:38

I like big beds to sleep in... By myself 😉

RichardPencil | 28

#7934762 - Sunday 30 August 2020 4:52

And you like to have sex on an army cot just for the challenge?

By kfchicken_fml | 26

#7934609 - Saturday 29 August 2020 9:18

cum on his bed in retaliation, it would only be fair

By bombdeecee | 3

#7935232 - Tuesday 1 September 2020 14:05

Yeah we would have to fight