Work: Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 255

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 123

27/11/2015 12:39

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 962

You deserved it 1 633

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Our house, in the middle of our street

08/05/2018 19:30

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 175

You deserved it 281

01/09/2011 17:56

Spicy

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 714

You deserved it 6 480

22/10/2010 20:37

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 654

You deserved it 40 977

April Fool's

By Ballprankster - 02/04/2021 16:57

Today, I wanted to prank my husband and filled a kitchen cabinet with tennis balls. Not sure what was funnier, seeing his reaction when all the balls fell out, or the fact that before he got home, I forgot that I had placed the balls there and opened the cabinet myself. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 300

You deserved it 1 277

14/02/2009 17:35

Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 376

You deserved it 3 997

27/08/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 637

You deserved it 122

06/11/2014 02:03

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 965

You deserved it 3 217

25/01/2010 13:32

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 967

You deserved it 38 144

21/04/2012 02:49

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 980

You deserved it 37 897

24/05/2010 00:22

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 391

You deserved it 3 785

28/04/2009 14:08

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 111 214

Rise and shine

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 08:00

Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 255

14/11/2015 20:02

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 489

You deserved it 7 825

01/09/2009 06:30

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 145

You deserved it 16 044

10/10/2010 12:47

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 254

You deserved it 5 661

17/03/2011 16:56

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 727

You deserved it 3 714

20/08/2015 16:18

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 752

You deserved it 2 701

15/06/2012 16:41

Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 208

You deserved it 9 714

26/07/2010 02:32

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 181

You deserved it 4 873

30/05/2009 00:10

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 596

You deserved it 45 891

28/04/2013 05:23

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 499

You deserved it 3 413

18/05/2009 23:20

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 648

You deserved it 3 596

13/03/2009 04:24

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 579

You deserved it 68 580

13/06/2015 15:47

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 158

You deserved it 2 860

14/11/2012 10:36

Spicy

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 412

You deserved it 3 639

09/05/2016 03:02

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 467

You deserved it 1 121

14/02/2019 00:00

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 441

Pyrotechnics

By Homeless for the holidays - 13/12/2020 22:58

Today, after I told my roommate last week she needed to find a new place to live because I thought she was psychotic, she set my house on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 102

05/11/2010 00:00

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 574

You deserved it 3 378

23/12/2009 15:39

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 499

You deserved it 3 474

Happy…

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 23:02

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 303

You deserved it 3 534

15/02/2010 18:40

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 229

You deserved it 4 182

04/07/2019 16:00

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 154

27/10/2012 06:42

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 984

You deserved it 7 937

21/07/2012 04:48

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 292

You deserved it 2 524

That he's a dumbass?

By Anonymous - 01/06/2020 05:03

Today, I was told by my boyfriend of 12 years that he wants to break up. He wants to be free to follow his "MGTOW beliefs." I had to look up what it meant. What am I supposed to tell our 2 little boys? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 203

05/04/2013 22:58

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 410

You deserved it 3 828

Sorry, but…

By Loveless - 29/10/2020 20:08

Today, my crush said that I was exceptionally ordinary. To my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 131

20/11/2015 23:52

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 272

You deserved it 3 714

18/09/2013 02:17

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 525

You deserved it 41 027

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:45

Hopefully he doesn't follow you into the bathroom to make sure you shake it right.

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:51

I can sympathize with him. Lights are really hard until you get this one weird trick down: if a light has been properly turned on, you'll notice the bulb in the circuit completed by the switch emitting light.

Comments

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:44

Hope you boss doesn't do this for everything you do! Good luck!

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Friday 27 November 2015 19:19

He may just have OCD

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Friday 27 November 2015 23:22

Is it too much of a stretch to think he was joking?

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:45

Hopefully he doesn't follow you into the bathroom to make sure you shake it right.

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Friday 27 November 2015 19:49

so if OP shakes just once and his boss shakes atleast twice, he's playing with it? lol

liquifiednate 21

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Friday 27 November 2015 22:38

No matter how much you shake and wiggle there will always be a dribble

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:45

Taking the definition of boss to a whole new level.

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

These type of people are so annoying. Why hire people in the first place if they would eventually do everything by themselves?

countryb_cth 38

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Friday 27 November 2015 23:13

Some may have no control over it if they have anxiety or OCD. It may be annoying to some but they can't help it.

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

I never knew there was a right way to turn on a light.

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Friday 27 November 2015 20:55

it's called OCD and it is not logic-based

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Saturday 28 November 2015 14:12

#29 you don't know that the boss has OCD, he could just be a jerk

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

I'm not sure all the lights are on in his head, maybe flip him on and off again to make sure.

False_Stupidity 41

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Saturday 28 November 2015 14:41

I'm sure that flipping his boss off would get OP fired.

oiler 21

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

Damn, hes a new species

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:48

Closet OCD maybe?

FMLusername969 21

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Saturday 28 November 2015 8:04

OCD? YES! In the closet? NOOOO...

FMLusername969 21

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Saturday 28 November 2015 8:07

OCD? YES! In the closet? NOOOOOOO...

wellthisisntgood 19

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Thursday 8 September 2016 1:34

That was my first thought.

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:51

I can sympathize with him. Lights are really hard until you get this one weird trick down: if a light has been properly turned on, you'll notice the bulb in the circuit completed by the switch emitting light.

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Friday 27 November 2015 21:21

Holy shit, I feel like I've been living in the dark til now

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Friday 27 November 2015 21:36

Here's another tip: try cooking things in pans instead of just placing or pouring them directly on the stove. It's easier and cleaner, too!

ShyVi 18

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Saturday 28 November 2015 5:02

I've been cooking wrong all this time.

lexred 30

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Friday 27 November 2015 18:51

What if he comes to your home to check if you are doing it correctly with your wife?

philosophicallll 25

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Friday 18 December 2015 8:24

Now why would that happen?