Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked...

By fabz - 27/11/2015 12:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

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Work

Cold-blooded old times

Oh, hai!

Assumptions

By littlestardramaq - 6/7/2010 03:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an email from my cousin to "save the date" for her baby shower. It's on my 21st birthday. This is the same cousin who got engaged on my 18th. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML

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By DriveNowhere - 31/12/2016 11:50 - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

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By evecamp - 10/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - 7/3/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2016 18:41 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

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By Jensa - 16/1/2015 21:59 - United Kingdom - Buckingham

Today, my mother kindly brought me some soup as was recovering from having my tonsils out. Spicy Mexican bean soup. Yep, very spicy. FML

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By Laceylace - 22/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By belladonna - 26/2/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

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By pimdala_major - 30/10/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I found a small bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge from McDonald's. I've been living with my grandparents while going to college and figuring they'd never drink it themselves, I took a sip. It had expired two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 16:39 - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

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By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - 2/9/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

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By Satan - 15/3/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By notacatperson - 1/3/2011 10:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

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By Pouya - 18/12/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

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By ForeverLost - 26/3/2020 20:21

Together, forever

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

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By youngboob - 21/10/2014 15:42 - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

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By abbshows - 29/8/2014 18:54 - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

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By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By katsaysner - 17/10/2014 17:56 - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 23:18 - Canada

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

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By give me an F - 5/1/2014 16:16 - United Kingdom - Corby

Today, was my first day as a male cheerleader in an attempt to flirt. The girls were stronger than me and it's now my job to be thrown in the air by girls. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 14:53 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years drunkenly introduced me to another very special lady. His wife. FML

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By Brrrb - 5/3/2009 05:22 - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

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By hungry - 22/10/2019 04:00 - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

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By maggie2014 - 23/6/2013 23:48 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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By spreadburger - 21/11/2014 00:29 - United States - Tampa

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

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By lucy - 3/3/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2016 18:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML

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By Ballhugger - 6/12/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

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By Weirdo - 6/12/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, my family took me to a steak house. I went for an eight minute bathroom break, coming back to an empty table. They ordered dessert, and left me the bill. I'm a vegetarian, and it's my birthday. FML

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By maddyUnderstood - 31/5/2019 00:00

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

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By mushroomless - 14/10/2015 05:40 - United States - Thayne

Today, I got yelled at in a grocery store by a customer who recognized me from the pizza place where I work. Apparently, I forgot mushrooms on her pizza earlier this afternoon. I had the day off, but thanks for the verbal lashing, lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Holyoke

Today, I was told that when I was in middle school and thought I was considered class clown for either making jokes or acting stupid, people thought I actually was stupid and/or mentally challenged. FML

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By shikushiku - 3/8/2016 03:12 - United States - Plano

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

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By First Kiss - 7/12/2012 12:39 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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By yashika - 3/7/2019 14:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

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By anonymous - 13/6/2012 16:58 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I went to a concert. One of my favorite bands was performing, and I'd had the ticket for seven months, with a great seat for the show. It was all going perfectly, that is until a guy twice my height sat in front of me. FML

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Top comments

By mds9986 | 24

#6471921 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:45

Hopefully he doesn't follow you into the bathroom to make sure you shake it right.

By Tripartita | 44

#6471932 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:51

I can sympathize with him. Lights are really hard until you get this one weird trick down: if a light has been properly turned on, you'll notice the bulb in the circuit completed by the switch emitting light.

Comments

By Vanimal | 13

#6471919 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:44

Hope you boss doesn't do this for everything you do! Good luck!

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6471956 - Friday 27 November 2015 19:19

He may just have OCD

higgysaurus | 18

#6472097 - Friday 27 November 2015 23:22

Is it too much of a stretch to think he was joking?

By mds9986 | 24

#6471921 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:45

Hopefully he doesn't follow you into the bathroom to make sure you shake it right.

Jason89 | 14

#6471979 - Friday 27 November 2015 19:49

so if OP shakes just once and his boss shakes atleast twice, he's playing with it? lol

liquifiednate | 21

#6472082 - Friday 27 November 2015 22:38

No matter how much you shake and wiggle there will always be a dribble

By kaybows | 14

#6471922 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:45

Taking the definition of boss to a whole new level.

By darksoul43 | 11

#6471923 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

These type of people are so annoying. Why hire people in the first place if they would eventually do everything by themselves?

countryb_cth | 38

#6472092 - Friday 27 November 2015 23:13

Some may have no control over it if they have anxiety or OCD. It may be annoying to some but they can't help it.

By amberthebear | 7

#6471924 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

I never knew there was a right way to turn on a light.

NeatNit | 32

#6472026 - Friday 27 November 2015 20:55

it's called OCD and it is not logic-based

kbecks87 | 16

#6472489 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:12

#29 you don't know that the boss has OCD, he could just be a jerk

By WhoopteDo | 26

#6471925 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

I'm not sure all the lights are on in his head, maybe flip him on and off again to make sure.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6472506 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:41

I'm sure that flipping his boss off would get OP fired.

By oiler | 21

#6471926 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:46

Damn, hes a new species

By ihartmytdi | 23

#6471930 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:48

Closet OCD maybe?

FMLusername969 | 21

#6472343 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:04

OCD? YES! In the closet? NOOOO...

FMLusername969 | 21

#6472345 - Saturday 28 November 2015 8:07

OCD?
YES!

In the closet?
NOOOOOOO...

wellthisisntgood | 19

#6685276 - Thursday 8 September 2016 1:34

That was my first thought.

By Tripartita | 44

#6471932 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:51

UserError94 | 18

#6472041 - Friday 27 November 2015 21:21

Holy shit, I feel like I've been living in the dark til now

Tripartita | 44

#6472051 - Friday 27 November 2015 21:36

Here's another tip: try cooking things in pans instead of just placing or pouring them directly on the stove. It's easier and cleaner, too!

ShyVi | 18

#6472276 - Saturday 28 November 2015 5:02

I've been cooking wrong all this time.

By lexred | 30

#6471933 - Friday 27 November 2015 18:51

What if he comes to your home to check if you are doing it correctly with your wife?

philosophicallll | 25

#6487825 - Friday 18 December 2015 8:24

Now why would that happen?