Work: Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 359

You deserved it 46

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

14/01/2011 10:11

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 853

You deserved it 5 337

Best teeth in the game

Leave us alone

Hiding from the drama

28/08/2015 20:05

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 905

You deserved it 2 230

02/12/2012 23:39

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 787

You deserved it 4 510

04/01/2009 01:59

Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 838

You deserved it 10 431

09/07/2011 05:59

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 795

You deserved it 5 555

04/11/2018 05:00

Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 167

You deserved it 251

12/04/2011 03:07

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 327

You deserved it 3 328

05/12/2009 08:44

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from him, I call back and his girlfriend answers and says "Hi this is his girlfriend, please stop calling him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 121

You deserved it 31 029

01/09/2013 22:35

Today, my mom mentioned how she loves certain actor's "British" accent. I couldn't help but mention that there's no such thing, and that there are lots of different accents in Britain. She got pissed and lectured me for "lying" to her and trying to make her feel stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 554

You deserved it 20 275

09/07/2015 19:46

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 822

You deserved it 5 365

29/05/2009 05:23

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 571

You deserved it 56 670

26/06/2016 03:50

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 523

You deserved it 7 250

20/01/2010 16:17

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 572

You deserved it 4 456

12/12/2009 22:54

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 670

You deserved it 37 707

20/12/2016 04:02

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 285

You deserved it 744

01/09/2015 04:40

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 227

You deserved it 1 596

17/04/2012 18:11

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 266

You deserved it 2 703

21/07/2011 09:54

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 904

You deserved it 2 726

01/04/2015 06:06

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 3 566

26/02/2010 09:10

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 925

You deserved it 24 199

03/02/2010 13:48

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 845

You deserved it 3 717

15/02/2009 09:06

Today, I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smart ass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 079

You deserved it 44 049

29/08/2013 07:07

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 015

You deserved it 8 970

21/12/2010 15:21

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 560

You deserved it 4 593

10/10/2011 19:06

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 104

You deserved it 3 568

13/08/2009 06:42

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 970

You deserved it 3 269

28/08/2012 17:50

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 157

You deserved it 1 895

04/04/2012 03:27

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 190

You deserved it 2 343

15/09/2014 18:48

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 979

You deserved it 4 350

08/05/2012 16:41

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 347

You deserved it 4 596

03/08/2011 07:40

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 817

You deserved it 6 134

22/02/2010 09:28

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 661

You deserved it 2 607

Sweet, my ass

By Anonymous - 31/01/2021 15:30

Today, I worked with a sweet old lady. She refused to cook most of the food on the menu, and the food she did cook was super oily. When she received complaints about it, she blamed me for not draining the oil. When the customer defended me, she then told the customer it was her job to drain the oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 65

04/10/2009 01:03

Spicy

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 161

You deserved it 5 361

26/09/2009 18:21

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 469

You deserved it 5 509

13/11/2018 15:30

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 890

You deserved it 158

24/05/2009 14:50

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 043

You deserved it 245 021

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

By GOT not for me - 15/09/2020 14:01

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 235

You deserved it 160

26/01/2009 13:28

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 474

You deserved it 59 274

22/04/2009 19:42

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 909

You deserved it 9 438

15/07/2013 06:15

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 405

You deserved it 3 927

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:04

Is that why Popeye was trying to French you?

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Friday 14 January 2011 15:58

Check your teeth next time too. Problem solved.

Comments

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Friday 14 January 2011 15:58

Check your teeth next time too. Problem solved.

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:08

want me to lick it off

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:26

I will. Jokes, fag. (;

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:42

Oh ouch -.- first comment I've had moderated. Lol well anyway, OP that sucks, and #1 is right.

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:49

Hide yo kids, hide yo Wife, cus 11's creepin errbody out here!

iSitt 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 17:29

Sorry, did you say something ? I was staring at your boobs.

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Friday 14 January 2011 20:43

I agree with #1 I mean, you know you're eating spinach. Why wouldn't check your teeth afterward? Sucks that nobody told you, but YDI for not checking.

alextheguineapig 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 15:59

couldn't you have looked in the mirror when you took a bathroom break or something?

fiveonefiveoh 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 17:51

yeah! because we all constantly check the mirror, rite? do u do that after every meal?? well, I do cuz I'm vain. I have my own little pocket mirror thing, and I'm a guy, haha.. but yeah, most people don't tho. her coworkers shoulda been helpful!

fiveonefiveoh 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 18:24

wrong reply, that was meant for 3.. damn!!

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Friday 14 January 2011 15:59

ydi for not checking your face after you ate. :)

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Friday 14 January 2011 15:59

check your own teeth next time, feral

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Friday 14 January 2011 17:13

Forreal?

asheh 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:01

if it was 'huge' I'm pretty sure you'd have felt it ...

supertacowaffle 41

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Saturday 15 January 2011 11:19

exactly

zebramebra926 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:02

people were to busy laughing to tell you

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:04

Is that why Popeye was trying to French you?

papaya_master 4

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Friday 14 January 2011 17:17

7 - win! LOL.

Newmocheybear 5

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Friday 14 January 2011 19:28

LOL!!! :D

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:07

People must not think too highly of you to tell you about it.

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:07

who cares? did you know any of the people who checked in? youre probably never going to see them again once they leave

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:09

you will see them when they check out

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:08

ewwww