Intimacy: Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set... - FML

By grossedout - 08/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 828

You deserved it 3 918

Dementia or hate? You decide

Good kid

Late term

By Anonymous - 22/06/2014 16:34 - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 655

You deserved it 5 073

Method acting

By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show, and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half-naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 918

You deserved it 3 388

Road trip

By fmmlll - 18/10/2010 08:56 - United States

Today, I'm going on an 8-hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 403

You deserved it 4 067

By Holly - 29/08/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 308

You deserved it 31 628

By idiot - 30/10/2010 20:42 - France

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 490

You deserved it 5 839

Something smells fishy.

By Anonymous - 19/04/2017 22:00

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 230

You deserved it 774

By Anonymous - 03/10/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 788

You deserved it 34 555

By Anonymous90 - 24/07/2010 23:59 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 784

You deserved it 6 453

Pansexuality awaits you

By Anonymoys - 22/02/2021 17:01

Today, I realized that the guy that I've liked for the past 7 months is actually a girl. I've told all my friends about how much I like him, but no one bothered to tell me that he's actually a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 656

By bingalingading - 03/01/2015 01:46 - United States - Owosso

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 599

You deserved it 2 473

Pants on fire

By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 139

By kate - 29/04/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 732

You deserved it 8 531

By TimeForAHairCut - 08/06/2012 23:44 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 910

You deserved it 2 101

By Lo - 25/10/2008 16:56

Today, I went to see a movie with the girl I've liked for months. After the commercials, she told me she had to go to the ladies room. She never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 706

You deserved it 4 697

By cheated - 11/03/2010 12:50 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. Guess how I found out? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 106

You deserved it 4 506

By AbandonedHouseWife - 17/10/2012 20:16 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 108

You deserved it 2 554

Please?

By mandinga - 06/09/2009 21:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 245

You deserved it 6 717

By BrittUnicorn - 06/07/2015 15:14 - United States - Morristown

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 568

You deserved it 3 657

By gnofin - 22/03/2016 21:23 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 461

You deserved it 2 993

By youreajoker - 10/11/2010 10:28 - Australia

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After several minutes of me freaking out and him explaining how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was the best thus far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 465

You deserved it 19 610

By hgirl - 28/01/2009 21:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he watched True Life I'm Pregnant. Now I know why we haven't been having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 406

You deserved it 3 299

By the bad artist - 10/09/2012 00:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 309

You deserved it 2 596

By crazy cat lady - 03/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 454

You deserved it 857

By killmenow - 10/09/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 224

You deserved it 77 251

By anabolic - 27/02/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill out that sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 611

You deserved it 2 726

Shit, dude

By Johnny on the Spot - 12/02/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 315

You deserved it 2 288

By unattractive - 18/12/2010 09:32 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 465

You deserved it 6 340

By thelunarwolf - 02/03/2011 03:41

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 8 853

By MBC - 22/02/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 187

You deserved it 3 712

Hip cats

By :(( - 24/06/2012 21:45 - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 027

You deserved it 50 872

By noworkformeplease - 09/03/2017 16:00

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 204

You deserved it 366

By Smile No More - 13/05/2011 12:27

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 086

You deserved it 5 947

Supportive

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 390

Caught in 4K

By Frank S. - 17/06/2021 19:59

Spicy

Today, I was about to enter a hotel with a friend-with-benefits. We then saw her boyfriend exiting the same hotel with another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 1 575

By Anonymous - 18/06/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 456

You deserved it 3 466

By Anonymous - 01/10/2009 09:42 - United States

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 888

You deserved it 10 339

Freaked out

By scarredforlife - 03/10/2015 01:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jaywalked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 320

You deserved it 1 623

By LagSwitchFTW - 25/01/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 988

You deserved it 5 989

By Anonymous - 03/08/2016 15:31 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 971

You deserved it 1 865

By Anonymous - 13/11/2008 03:01 - France

Today, I scratched my cornea and have to wear a large bandage covering my eye. I'm off today, but I'll probably have to wear it to school tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 995

You deserved it 5 951

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Top comments

xTheLittleLadx 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:30

Maybe you should hide it when you leave or buy your roommate one. Since you now know she likes using it too, you should buy a double headed one and enjoy =)

604 11

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 7:23

I vote that you should rub hot sauce all over it and let it dry so it's visually undetectable; then put it back where it was and go away for the weekend. With any luck at all, your roommate will be posting her story on here soon enough!

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:21

without pics, I don't believe you.

Send a private message

Friday 13 November 2009 6:13

rofl

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 March 2010 4:25

that's so great! lol!!

Send a private message

Sunday 18 April 2010 8:17

I might stick it in her

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 June 2010 10:55

This is the first, er, first comment that doesn't say "FIRST!!!!1one1!!!1!!seven" And, OP, keep in mind- it's good to share! =D

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 1:50

ew perv, jk jk. u funnay

bobby_blackhulk 0

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Sunday 24 June 2012 19:01

Liess

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Monday 9 November 2009 2:21

aha eww

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Thursday 17 March 2016 3:59

Dear Penthouse forum....

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:27

FIRST!!!!

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:28

eww thats nasty

Send a private message

Friday 18 October 2013 20:21

I read this is Cleveland's voice from family guy

xTheLittleLadx 0

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:30

Maybe you should hide it when you leave or buy your roommate one. Since you now know she likes using it too, you should buy a double headed one and enjoy =)

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:31

Bid your "toy" adieu, And find something new. Though sharing is caring, Now it sucks to be you.

Send a private message

Thursday 11 March 2010 21:50

win.

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Tuesday 30 March 2010 13:36

kick-ass win

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 2:31

your personal one as opposed to the one you share? FHL for not knowing the difference. maybe you should buy a label maker with the money she's not stealing so next time she'll know which one she can use.

IceCream53423 0

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Monday 9 November 2009 2:35

ydi for calling it your "adult toy"

Send a private message

Monday 9 November 2009 3:10

-barf- Maybe instead of cameras, you should hide your toys? Or get rid of your room mate?

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Monday 9 November 2009 3:26

what's an adult toy? thx.

mazesm 11

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Monday 3 January 2011 5:03

a toy

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 March 2011 15:27

a dildo, I vibrator exc..

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 106

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 291