Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set...

By grossedout - 8/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

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Intimacy

Caught red-handed

Does it taste good?

Vultures

By nerdygirl101 - 13/3/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 21:54 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my daughter's 14-year-old boyfriend confessed, in front of her, that he only went out with her so he might have a chance to date me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2011 08:09 - France

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

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By MasterWong - 20/6/2018 19:00

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

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By StewPit - 16/4/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 13:20 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By treegirl - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By momof2boys - 19/1/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, my two boys decided to draw in permanent marker on the leather seats of the car I have had up for sale for 3 weeks with no interest. I call my husband to tell him we're going to have to keep it. He just made an appointment with a guy who has cash and is ready to buy it tomorrow. FML

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By one sorry mom - 5/9/2017 04:31

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

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By Todd - 14/8/2012 16:14 - United States

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

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By drunk under 18 teenager - 19/8/2014 13:37 - Morocco - Marrakech

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

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By anonomys - 5/9/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parent's dog. Why? Because when I sleep I fart and scare myself awake... Just like his parents dog. FML

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By anonymous - 16/6/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:23 - United States - Mulino

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

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By rokkstarrrVRV - 28/12/2013 08:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

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By Passtheicecream - 25/1/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By lolk - 10/3/2013 07:41 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

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By allergyssuck - 5/7/2018 20:30

Today, I got a soap that my doctor recommended, because I am allergic to the vast majority of soaps. After driving 45 miles to the only store that sells it and paying $12 for a bottle, I found out I am allergic to it too. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - 28/2/2013 03:28 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By xmeatballx21 - 3/6/2011 09:57 - United States

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday". He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

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By new dog - 14/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

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By login_eddy - 17/9/2010 18:37 - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

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By Thescarlettfox - 16/2/2020 01:00

Monster in my bathroom

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

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By anonymous - 18/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - 17/8/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By melon squash - 11/9/2016 10:15 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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By Romantic - 15/1/2010 08:33 - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

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By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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By mdsfkljsfsdrewr - 3/6/2014 19:01 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, less than a day after my cranky downstairs neighbor passed away, I woke up to banging sounds against his apartment ceiling, like the ones he used to make whenever I walked around during the night. I'm shitting myself in fear. FML

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By oops123 - 15/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

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By 11321 - 22/4/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By shmarf - 20/6/2015 06:00 - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By claustrophobic - 4/5/2016 19:03 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:30 - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By keeperstride - 3/9/2009 19:55 - United States

Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen nuts, and an hole in my butt where I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML

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By superficialheart - 21/1/2012 11:59 - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 02:14 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - 31/10/2015 10:20 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

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Top comments

By xTheLittleLadx | 0

#661562 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:30

Maybe you should hide it when you leave or buy your roommate one. Since you now know she likes using it too, you should buy a double headed one and enjoy =)

By 604 | 11

#662001 - Monday 9 November 2009 7:23

I vote that you should rub hot sauce all over it and let it dry so it's visually undetectable; then put it back where it was and go away for the weekend. With any luck at all, your roommate will be posting her story on here soon enough!

Comments

By Butcher_1419 | 0

#661544 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:21

without pics, I don't believe you.

Sandrellae | 0

#669185 - Friday 13 November 2009 6:13

rofl

brieanna101 | 0

#952449 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 4:25

that's so great! lol!!

brafry12997 | 0

#981259 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:17

I might stick it in her

safirestar09 | 0

#1014905 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 10:55

This is the first, er, first comment that doesn't say "FIRST!!!!1one1!!!1!!seven"
And, OP, keep in mind- it's good to share! =D

breenarae25 | 0

#1474834 - Thursday 30 September 2010 1:50

ew perv, jk jk. u funnay

bobby_blackhulk | 0

#4608425 - Sunday 24 June 2012 19:01

Liess

By Wankster | 0

#661545 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:21

aha eww

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6560960 - Thursday 17 March 2016 3:59

Dear Penthouse forum....

By chrismard | 0

#661558 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:27

FIRST!!!!

By Quinnjamin | 0

#661559 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:28

eww thats nasty

tipsy2013 | 24

#5721311 - Friday 18 October 2013 20:21

I read this is Cleveland's voice from family guy

By xTheLittleLadx | 0

#661562 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:30

Maybe you should hide it when you leave or buy your roommate one. Since you now know she likes using it too, you should buy a double headed one and enjoy =)

By rhymethyme | 0

#661564 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:31

Bid your "toy" adieu,
And find something new.
Though sharing is caring,
Now it sucks to be you.

gotdapowa | 0

#937130 - Thursday 11 March 2010 21:50

win.

jakkanarchy | 0

#971030 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 13:36

kick-ass win

By morgan020 | 0

#661567 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:31

your personal one as opposed to the one you share? FHL for not knowing the difference. maybe you should buy a label maker with the money she's not stealing so next time she'll know which one she can use.

By IceCream53423 | 0

#661573 - Monday 9 November 2009 2:35

ydi for calling it your "adult toy"

By jinubean | 0

#661662 - Monday 9 November 2009 3:10

-barf-

Maybe instead of cameras, you should hide your toys? Or get rid of your room mate?

By UMAD_fml | 0

#661692 - Monday 9 November 2009 3:26

what's an adult toy? thx.

mazesm | 11

#1922420 - Monday 3 January 2011 5:03

a toy

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2136611 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 15:27

a dildo, I vibrator exc..