Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog...

By ohsnap - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

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Intimacy

Recycling helps

Gas giant

This is fine

By arthise - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting in Walmart when I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with, "You know I'm a guy, right?" FML

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By Anonymous

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By hayah - France

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Lovely bundles of joy

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By ... - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By Breadline single mom - 26/12/2020 19:56

"Life is unfair…"

Today, my deadbeat ex-husband who works at a country club was invited to play poker with some club members as they needed a last player. He’s rubbish at poker but got some lucky hands and ended up winning £112,000 from those rich guys. Life isn’t fair. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By Very Divorced - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

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By wendtinmypants - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

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By semischweet - United Kingdom - London

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

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By cherokeems - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML

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By stupid - Canada

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

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By dadoftheyear - United States

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

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By LG - United States

Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

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By corasmom - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

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By dillon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex." FML

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By bTOhno - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewis Center

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

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By busmonster - United States - Alexandria

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

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By whateven333 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I told my cousin that I would gladly help him through the loss of my aunt. That is until he started flirting with me. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

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By smells like ass - 2/8/2020 23:03

Gross, dude

Today, my boyfriend has only showered about three times since we’ve been on lockdown. Our whole place smells like a sewer main burst in a pro-sports locker room filled with sweaty nut sacks and dead feet. His excuse? "It’s not like we have anywhere to go babe." I can’t even eat around him. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

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By isoheartcaitlin - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling after getting it on a few times. He holds my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes and says "I smell chicken." FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, my boss decided that we no longer have to clock out for cigarette breaks, but we do for toilet breaks. I'm the only non-smoker on my floor, and I'm getting penalised for it. FML

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By SGreene

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

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By ReallyNow - United States

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

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Top comments

By Filitov | 0

#1997764 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:36

Dogs and pussies have never really gotten along much, y'know.

By shortymac | 0

#1997768 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:37

The number 1 reason the pets should never be in the same room as 2 people having sex. it never works out.

COMMENTS

By ronnieofcloud9 | 0

#1997759 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:36

well dud you get to bust at least??

SokDek | 14

#1997820 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:48

OH YEA!

mesoleeet | 0

#1998792 - Sunday 23 January 2011 8:45

why would you get freaky with the dog in your room?! LOL

I_R_Genius | 3

#1998876 - Sunday 23 January 2011 9:29

Het beastiality (sp?) is climbing in the lorn industry. Maybe you should start your own adult film company and call it "my trusty companion(sp?)."

I_R_Genius | 3

#1998890 - Sunday 23 January 2011 9:32

porn*

I_R_Genius | 3

#1998943 - Sunday 23 January 2011 9:57

How the hell is it getting "het" out of "hey." SMFH.

saladgirl123 | 0

#1999724 - Sunday 23 January 2011 15:39

it is bad when people correct them selves like that because the stupid grammar nazis are so bad..i got what you were saying buddy :)

poiuytjfffc | 0

#2178565 - Monday 14 March 2011 5:03

ydi for not training ur dog well

By Filitov | 0

#1997764 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:36

Dogs and pussies have never really gotten along much, y'know.

shaneac | 0

#1997777 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:39

Your comment wins the award for epicness. Usually when I say lol, I don't actually laugh out loud.

kristen1026 | 2

#1998014 - Sunday 23 January 2011 2:47

funniest comment fml has seen in a loooong time. LMAO

gooBUZZ | 0

#1998583 - Sunday 23 January 2011 6:48

It wasn't that good? :S

planbsponserme | 2

#1998595 - Sunday 23 January 2011 6:56

I didn't think it was funny at all. and i have a great sinse of humor

Juliaa15 | 6

#1998597 - Sunday 23 January 2011 6:56

I was thinking that myself.

MzKylz | 0

#1999261 - Sunday 23 January 2011 12:59

lol

kurato | 6

#1999797 - Sunday 23 January 2011 16:04

I guess we could say, that dog was *put on sunglasses* a cock bite. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa

geigercounter | 0

#2000121 - Sunday 23 January 2011 18:42

I describe how awesome this was XD

daaron | 3

#2005861 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 9:39

true jealously your dig has for u what have you been doing

Craziemami_fml | 0

#2005951 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 10:01

hahahaa #2

Xxgreenbug29xX | 5

#2949511 - Friday 22 July 2011 8:19

Lmao, made my night. xD

By shortymac | 0

#1997768 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:37

The number 1 reason the pets should never be in the same room as 2 people having sex. it never works out.

xMaNNiNGx119 | 0

#1998237 - Sunday 23 January 2011 4:14

What's the number 2 reason? They might get into it?

3p1c_fml | 1

#1999992 - Sunday 23 January 2011 17:07

yea, and then your girlfriend might decide the dog's better than you...

By Cooldown987 | 0

#1997770 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:37

Now that's one special kind of threesome.

acethehusky | 0

#2252850 - Monday 28 March 2011 4:22

bwahaha XD

By truehitman2010 | 0

#1997784 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:40

5th

By adjacent | 2

#1997788 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:41

that dog doesnt like pussies then

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2000075 - Sunday 23 January 2011 18:03

What a bitch!

By mintcar | 9

#1997794 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:43

Loyal dog is loyal.

By SarahCrazy_fml | 0

#1997798 - Sunday 23 January 2011 1:44

Hahhaha! apparenty the girl wasn't good enough and your dog decided to take care of it for you. good dog ;)

JmZ_fml | 3

#1998108 - Sunday 23 January 2011 3:30

sarahcrazy u r 1 hott bitch...lol

ohthebloodygore | 16

#1998161 - Sunday 23 January 2011 3:54

Girls like to be called 'bitch'?

SarahCrazy_fml | 0

#1998190 - Sunday 23 January 2011 4:03

I sure as hell don't

xGUMMYBEARSx | 0

#1998431 - Sunday 23 January 2011 5:37

well he added "hott"??
haha jk. fml guyz are dorks. (;

snoot | 0

#1998586 - Sunday 23 January 2011 6:50

JmZ your batting 100 with the online ladies,
nice work!!!

hook_em | 0

#1998589 - Sunday 23 January 2011 6:52

I'll help out what about you are one beautiful girl! ;) lol

adtr4ever | 6

#1998612 - Sunday 23 January 2011 7:05

your really pretty sarahcrazy:)

GeekGnome | 0

#1998626 - Sunday 23 January 2011 7:10

SarahCrazy is a beautiful women. I'm pretty sure she doesn't enjoy being called hott, shows immaturity when approaching a women. secondly bitch is on a females hate meter next to cunt, either one should land u a swift kick in the nuts. Figuratively Speaking:)