By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Mirror, mirror

Today I discovered that I'm so pale that I can lighten up any distant dark corner of the room just by placing my hand by a window and reflecting the light like a mirror. Imagine how bright it would be if I stood by the window naked. FML

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Out of it

Dog whisperer

I CAN HEAR YOU

By frustrated - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

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By noooooo - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By Haze - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

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By KL - Canada

Today, I was at a club with a friend. A cute guy kept smiling and looking over at me. He left his seat and went to the bar and brought back two drinks. He waved me over and then said, "Can you tell your hot friend that I bought her a drink?" FML

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By dammit - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dewitt

Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By hate enough to kill... - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

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By ams - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

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By dynomyte - United States

Today, as I sat on the table in my gynecologist's office for my yearly checkup, I realized that was the most action I got in the past year. FML

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By Crystal - France

Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML

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By hcfan - Australia

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

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By Finn - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By BrokeAF - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

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By MattVh - Belgium

Today, someone had put a lock on my bike. While I was trying to saw it off, the police drove by. I was arrested for trying to steal a bike and released four hours later when they figured out that it was actually my bike. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By radiating

Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML

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By Milly

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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By Clementine - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By MotherofET - Australia

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

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By r1has - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

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By gettingacat - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

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By Anonymous

(That's 77° in Freedom Units)

Today, we're having my grandmother over. Because we don't have a guest room, she is sleeping in mine. It is 25°C at night and she is sleeping naked with her dog right next to me. FML

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By Micheal - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

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By um... what the fuck, miss? - United Kingdom

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

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By spandexwiener - United States - Export

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

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By Maleficia

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By tnh - United States

Today, just like every other day, I was woken up 2 hours earlier than I needed to be, by the alarm belonging to my upstairs neighbors. They won't wake up until their real alarm goes off: me, pounding the walls and yelling in frustration. FML

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Top comments

By leogs23 | 22

#7932914 - Saturday 22 August 2020 3:13

I’m brown and I love that kinda skin

By draghkar | 16

#7932904 - Saturday 22 August 2020 1:59

My skin is similar to yours, and I like darker skin. But lots of people like skin like ours, so chin up lil camper.

COMMENTS

By Wadlaen | 19

#7932880 - Friday 21 August 2020 23:41

Come on!
Do it!😜

By draghkar | 16

#7932904 - Saturday 22 August 2020 1:59

My skin is similar to yours, and I like darker skin. But lots of people like skin like ours, so chin up lil camper.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7932905 - Saturday 22 August 2020 2:01

I am imagining!

Thank you!

You can send me some pics to help me imagine better. Please?

By leogs23 | 22

#7932914 - Saturday 22 August 2020 3:13

I’m brown and I love that kinda skin

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7932951 - Saturday 22 August 2020 7:39

The hills are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

By Susan Yee | 9

#7932974 - Saturday 22 August 2020 10:47

Many women in Asian countries envy you.

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7933071 - Saturday 22 August 2020 20:18

And white people spend their lives trying to get darker. Nobody seems to like themselves the way they are.

It's good to be "good in your skin."

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7933175 - Sunday 23 August 2020 8:21

You sure you're just pale and not a ghost?

By Jordan Wallace | 3

#7946644 - Wednesday 21 October 2020 18:07

hey I'm not the only one!