By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Mirror, mirror

Today I discovered that I'm so pale that I can lighten up any distant dark corner of the room just by placing my hand by a window and reflecting the light like a mirror. Imagine how bright it would be if I stood by the window naked. FML

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Taking stock

Life of Brian

The wrong end of the stick

By cartrouble - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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By ocdistheworst - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

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By aloneinaz

Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML

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By mimi - United States

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darlinghurst

Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML

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By medik - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. The only person who remembered was the creepy guy in my English class who keeps trying to smell my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the train and some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML

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By worstaunty - United States - Boca Raton

That'll do

Today, I had to pick my 2 year-old nephew up from day care for the first time. When the lady asked me who I was there to pick up, I realized I didn't know his actual name because we all call him "Bebe." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

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By they've been broken up for a year. - United States - Dallas

Today, my girlfriend of 6 months yelled at me for not comforting her while she was crying because her ex got a new girlfriend, and "it's just not fair." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 21:02 - United States - Tampa

PSA

Today, I just spent 3 hours at work reading FML posts and giggling at my desk. For the blurred out posts, I was moving my desk chair back to read what they said while squinting. I just realized I can hover the mouse and it will be clear and not blurry anymore. Now I have a headache and got in trouble with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By Dixienornous - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

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By eyeleanify - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to park. Assuming that no one saw, I moved my car and parked somewhere else. Hours later I get a call from the university police. While backing up to go to the police station I hit another car. FML

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By awk1 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

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By Heyme - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

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By noeducation - Canada

Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML

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By ElizaWy

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

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By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By Xanadu - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

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By Daria_Weiner - Russian Federation

Today, at my anniversary party and in front of all our friends, I accidentally called my husband-to-be by my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

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By Kendal - Canada

Today, I was baking cookies. I stared at them for 15 minutes and finally asked my dad, "Why are these taking so long?" He looked up at the oven and replied, "It might help if you turn the oven on." FML

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By fobfan14 - United States

Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By JSF1234 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

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By dazedandconfused - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I decided to delete my Facebook account. My older sister repeatedly called me in tears asking why I'm cutting her out of my life. It seems I can't get rid of social media without my family taking offence. FML

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By Nathaniel Bastien - 6/2/2021 23:01 - Canada

If only it was a leap year

Today, I inquired about getting a raise from a company that I've been with for 5 years. My manager said I'll get one starting February 29th. FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By anoynomous - France

Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML

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By wrestling probs - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By Sacho

Hiking is so much fun!

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

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Top comments

By leogs23 | 23

#7932914 - Saturday 22 August 2020 3:13

I’m brown and I love that kinda skin

By draghkar | 16

#7932904 - Saturday 22 August 2020 1:59

My skin is similar to yours, and I like darker skin. But lots of people like skin like ours, so chin up lil camper.

COMMENTS

By Wadlaen | 21

#7932880 - Friday 21 August 2020 23:41

Come on!
Do it!😜

By draghkar | 16

#7932904 - Saturday 22 August 2020 1:59

My skin is similar to yours, and I like darker skin. But lots of people like skin like ours, so chin up lil camper.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7932905 - Saturday 22 August 2020 2:01

I am imagining!

Thank you!

You can send me some pics to help me imagine better. Please?

By leogs23 | 23

#7932914 - Saturday 22 August 2020 3:13

I’m brown and I love that kinda skin

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7932951 - Saturday 22 August 2020 7:39

The hills are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

By Susan Yee | 9

#7932974 - Saturday 22 August 2020 10:47

Many women in Asian countries envy you.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7933071 - Saturday 22 August 2020 20:18

And white people spend their lives trying to get darker. Nobody seems to like themselves the way they are.

It's good to be "good in your skin."

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7933175 - Sunday 23 August 2020 8:21

You sure you're just pale and not a ghost?

By Jordan Wallace | 3

#7946644 - Wednesday 21 October 2020 18:07

hey I'm not the only one!