Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All... - FML

By nicknack22 - 1/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

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Dangling modifier

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Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

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By Offended - 19/2/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse's office and asked "Can I have some ice?" They responded with "Why, what happened to your face?" FML

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By littlemiss - 10/2/2013 16:17 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By Karmas3itch - 12/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By bankergirl - 16/1/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By sarah6786 - 22/1/2013 02:27 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my husband asked me to show him my boob. I began to pull the side of my shirt down when he said, "No, not that one, the big one." FML

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By Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By Penny - 18/1/2020 20:00

Animated movies

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

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By livgasms - 18/8/2011 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

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By Cromwel620 - 23/2/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

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By Wex - 9/1/2009 09:02 - Chile

Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML

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By stickyandwet - 30/1/2017 23:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By college parking sucks - 30/9/2015 17:16 - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 05:32 - India - Mumbai

Haircut, haircuuuut

Today, I came to the decision that I needed some variety in my life, so I decided to get a haircut. My mom insisted that she could do it and that she had experience because she cuts my dad's short hair. I had thick, long hair. Now, my hair is uneven, ugly and short. FML

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By mafiaguy800 - 27/8/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

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By Caeru - 21/6/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

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By Mylifesintatterssendhelp - 12/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went to a tattoo artist to get what I thought would be really cute, elegant finger tattoos. I left with wobbly, blobby messes all over my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 15:16 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By MATTY2512 - 13/7/2016 18:13 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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By Andrew - 28/8/2011 22:37 - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By houdini - 3/2/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

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By sarah - 18/4/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2018 06:00

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

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By grounded - 18/12/2011 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

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By buccaneer - 23/10/2012 16:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

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By veggiepower11028 - 31/5/2011 12:02

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

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By fmlsheffgirl - 25/7/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

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By liz - 21/6/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went shopping at a thrift store. I found a really cute top that fit me perfectly, so I bought it. Afterwards, I noticed the original tag was still on it. It read: "designed with your pregnancy in mind". It was a maternity top. FML

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By uglynerd - 26/5/2013 00:45 - United States - Streamwood

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

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By Karaline45 - 15/12/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2018 12:30 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By cactii - 16/2/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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Top comments

By emilyyy_fml | 0

#255 - Thursday 5 February 2009 12:30

that's definitely a good thing, dude

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#619 - Sunday 8 February 2009 6:19

i believe that's a good review, not a bad one

COMMENTS

By emilyyy_fml | 0

#255 - Thursday 5 February 2009 12:30

that's definitely a good thing, dude

Reply

teotsi | 28

#6017691 - Thursday 24 July 2014 18:17

Maybe he thought that what was drool was her vaginal liquids?

Reply

Rubyduby | 8

#6050254 - Thursday 28 August 2014 6:43

Definitely not an fml, way to go

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#619 - Sunday 8 February 2009 6:19

i believe that's a good review, not a bad one

By Haelous | 0

#885 - Monday 9 February 2009 21:54

This is the anti-FML.

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#337666 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:33

Agreed. Really, who would honestly think this is a bad thing?

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1745 - Friday 13 February 2009 4:14

HAHA you whiny terd.

Reply

SoFaded80 | 0

#467659 - Saturday 8 August 2009 1:00

hahahahahahahahaha

By mnkit | 0

#6289 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 5:57

i only drool after a rockin orgasm!

By McLaughlane | 0

#8539 - Friday 27 February 2009 10:06

yeah, lol, that was supposed to be a compliment.

By samisalsa | 0

#11709 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:12

Definitely a compliment!

By alplhawolf0019 | 0

#12168 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 5:41

If by "Fuck My Life" you mean "Fuck YES, my life!" then okay.
If by "Fuck my Life" you mean "My life sucks" go to another emocorner, scene kid, because if you're sad about this, you probably don't deserve this. :P

lol

By omgbeckyyy | 0

#17717 - Friday 6 March 2009 7:33

Yeah, I don't get where the bad part comes in, exactly?

By Arj_fml | 0

#21316 - Sunday 8 March 2009 15:26

good job dude!!!!

your life isnt fucked!!