Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML
Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML
Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML
Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML
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Top comments
PiErC3 0
u should kick ur best friends ass
KMtheDrummer 6
How do you not notice that in 2 months?
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Comments (191)
mikeofthunder 13
Well, at least you noticed after two months, rather than three ey?
geod69 8
Proff read
johnp 5
*proof read Obviously something you haven't learned how to do yet
Awsumuzzie 12
69 u r a stoopid.
Equin0x 0
LMAO Winning!
TheGame317 5
atleast yourf handy OP
NokeyPlc 1
To get the best out of CVs/resumes when applying for jobs, it's best to modify it with each application. If you were doing this every time, you'd've probably increased your chances of success and probably spotted the friends joke at the same time.
Kotargnskit 4
If you've got it, flaunt it.
KiddNYC1O 22
How do you say masturbation in Dutch?
Epikouros 32
It's 'castreren' in Dutch, emphasis on the second syllable. "Do you want to ********** me?" = "Wil je mij castreren?" Enjoy visiting Amsterdam's red-light district!
Grimnirwher9 21
No, not really. "Masturbation" in Dutch would be "masturbatie" and "to **********" would be 'masturberen." "castreren" means "to castrate." Nice try though.
KiddNYC1O 22
Thanks. I've already been to Amsterdam and the red light district twice.
br0ccoli 15
72 - after reading 79's comment, I see what you did there!
Grimnirwher9 21
How nice for you. Twice already? You must be a true master of the Dutch language then. Just FYI: Dutch is my native language, so yeah...
HaniahAhmad 0
COOKIES!
HaniahAhmad 0
Are you a bronie? Because that would be pretty damn awesome :D
Calyx_fml 22
Truth In advertising.