Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML
Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML
Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML
Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML
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Top comments
PiErC3 0
u should kick ur best friends ass
KMtheDrummer 6
How do you not notice that in 2 months?
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Comments (191)
keneda21_fml 0
Whoa, harsh but funny as hell.
RubenTheGreek 8
Sounds like a pleasurous skill to master.
Redoxx_fml 22
Master of Masturbation
gurly98 13
Masturbation????
karkid619 8
If she don't know what masturbation is. She's too young for you bro.
Feared 9
Masturbation is just a fancy word meaning "to tickle ones self".
TheFirstSamurai 18
I really hope 17 doesn't google it, I think she'll be traumatised.
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
What are children doing on this site anyhow?
loserman67 36
Proofreading: Proofreading means examining your text carefully to find and correct typographical errors and mistakes in grammar, style, and spelling. Always, always, always proofread before you send out a CV and a resume, even if you had sent it out a thousand time before. Then go kick your friend right in the crotch!
Epikouros 32
A thousand timeS before, loserman. Muphry's Law rules!
sugaryspice 5
Well, now you know one possible reason as to why you haven't gotten calls back! Fix it and carry on. good luck OP!
DocBastard 40
Don't fret! Keep trying, and you'll have a job in hand soon.
XtraEzeee 8
Cum on Doc, this is no place for puns.
thebaconweave 0
Your friend deserves a little visit.
linkinpark98 24
More like a BIG visit that most likely involves a pair of brass knuckles...
Sumo69 9
It's a good thing you didn't get a job then that's a job skill you don't want to have to use
linkinpark98 24
If you go down to the spot where **** is filmed, you are sure to get the job!
niadanac1 3
Best prank ever.