Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML
Today, I sent my resumé to a former coworker to get some pointers, except that I sent it to his old work email account and now my boss knows I’m looking for a new job. FML
Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML
Today, I applied for my first job. I didn't know how to write a resume, so I copied and pasted one from someone else and reworked it. I got on the bus, handed it in, and left. Then I remembered I forgot to change the contact info and date. FML
Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML
Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML
Today, after being recently laid off at work due to "cutbacks", I went job searching around town. During my drive, I cruised past my old workplace and saw a "now hiring" sign in their window. FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
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Top comments
DrewKolar 0
The good news is that on Craigslist, that may actually get you some attention...
0___0 9
you may get a job as a cocksucker :O
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Comments (33)
teethingtom 0
You sure he wasn't helping get a normal office job?
Spillinthembeans 0
Well played sir, well played.
MCart_fml 0
Bad breakup eh? I reserve my vote on whether it's your fault or not until I know if you cheated on your ex.
omg123 0
It is a good thing you are not with such a lowlife anymore.
DrewKolar 0
The good news is that on Craigslist, that may actually get you some attention...
thewelshmetal 0
so, any offers?
nhomerding 0
deserved. I'm sure whatever you did to him was way worse!
genericnickname 0
I think they're here for suggestions, #6. If it's not already too late, might I recommend immolation?
i_am_tiff_21 0
hahahahaha! At least you're trying.
FlickMyBean 0
Amazing. I hope you get a call.