Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his... - FML

By Oblivious - 8/5/2009 19:39 - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

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Mystery

Near the knuckle

Deep-seated resentment

By Timv86 - 16/2/2010 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

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By Mj - 20/7/2016 00:28 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

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By ReallyUniverse?? - 18/3/2018 19:00

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By person123abc - 9/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

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By ubbernoob - 5/3/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

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By Aiaiii - 3/6/2010 07:55 - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2017 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

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By howprofessional - 6/9/2013 21:23 - United States - Dearborn

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

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By AzNFoo - 26/3/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML

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By fleatitting fame - 4/7/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2010 12:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML

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By Oops - 26/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

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By disappointmentafter4years - 12/4/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

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By australian6196 - 5/2/2014 02:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

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By hala - 16/3/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

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By Jay - 10/4/2009 14:41 - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By jessicab72 - 15/5/2014 20:38 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By BakedBat - 21/2/2014 04:10 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By khaelian - 8/12/2010 11:47

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

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By bruisedego31 - 12/9/2012 21:58 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 14:00

Unsanitary

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

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By yes i meant ex-boyfriend - 18/1/2014 21:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

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By devourer, apparently - 14/8/2018 22:18

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

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By sober judge - 3/10/2013 03:46 - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By djfail - 1/9/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 15:23 - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

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By theoriginalkydd - 11/12/2018 07:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I met up with my ex girlfriend for coffee. It’s been months, and I was planning on flexing on her with my new car. Turns out, she also got a new car, and it’s newer, cleaner, faster, and better on gas... FML

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By Sarah - 10/3/2009 17:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By thicklysettled - 20/7/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 18:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 11:25 - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

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By oceangirl - 8/2/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

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By BrisbaneCoop - 4/4/2011 17:13 - Australia

Today, my fiancé and I visited his family for dinner. The entire time I was there, his mother and sister had an in depth conversation about how attractive his ex girlfriends were and how they got along with them so well. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 06:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML

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By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2012 11:17 - United States

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

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Top comments

By smashitup | 0

#180358 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:24

he's a keeper.

By fyourl | 0

#180365 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

I think I'll name my daughter Raven Riley.

COMMENTS

By smashitup | 0

#180358 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:24

he's a keeper.

Reply

22cute | 17

#2818187 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

kasumirock | 13

#3021987 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 13:32

Beau Marie?

Reply

Sammiches | 12

#3410723 - Sunday 9 October 2011 23:00

Alexis?

(don't watch porn like that)

Reply

guyfawke | 5

#5103278 - Thursday 1 November 2012 3:59

aurora snow?

By fyourl | 0

#180365 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

I think I'll name my daughter Raven Riley.

Reply

rmeyer6 | 0

#2986445 - Thursday 28 July 2011 15:03

how about sunny leone?

Reply

murphdte | 0

#4017470 - Friday 10 February 2012 16:05

She's my fav too

Reply

guyfawke | 5

#5112478 - Sunday 4 November 2012 2:10

just imagine OP's kid googling herself. that would be priceless.

Reply

CFB_FRS | 27

#5908396 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 16:04

What about Jordan Carver?

By koolkong94 | 9

#180368 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

One, he's an idiot.

Two, what did you name your daughter then?...wouldn't it sound kinda obvious to somebody who would then in turn point it out to you?

Reply

nitrogirl | 0

#1152377 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 13:32

this will make a great fml when she grows up

Reply

SarahStarzz | 0

#2117358 - Thursday 24 February 2011 7:17

211 agreed lmao

By Kurmen | 0

#180370 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

Whats her name ?

Reply

rmeyer6 | 0

#2986425 - Thursday 28 July 2011 14:58

Innocence

Reply

4ugu4 | 7

#5180264 - Saturday 24 November 2012 8:16

Tanya Tate.

Reply

zeldagirl77 | 7

#5820513 - Wednesday 8 January 2014 5:47

cinnamon

Reply

alex1022 | 11

#6138709 - Monday 8 December 2014 8:45

Sasha....

Reply

Dandyboi | 7

#7902198 - Thursday 30 April 2020 14:44

Mia

By deliverypenguin | 0

#180372 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

rofl this is hilarious

By iKaite | 0

#180373 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

Wow, real smooth. Nice catch, what does he name your dog after, his favourite porn director?

By radiokillaaah | 0

#180374 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

Is your daughters name Jenna? hahaha, sorry, but your husband's a jerk.

Reply

Asura09 | 0

#2259758 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 6:15

jenna as in jenna haze yes?

Reply

miz_kamakazi | 11

#3381161 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:46

Jenna Jameson??

Reply

Simranbgg | 4

#3780862 - Saturday 24 December 2011 10:06

As in Jenna Presley

By manoverboard | 0

#180376 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

What, like...Kandy Kane?
That's a good porn star name.

By the_boss_fml | 0

#180377 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

that's pretty bad. sorry

By 88bellydancer | 0

#180379 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

wow I hope her name wasnt too slutty or else Id say its your fault!

Reply

Goldenberry_fml | 14

#5610926 - Saturday 3 August 2013 7:00

What would a slutty name be?

Reply

owencgray | 10

#5885161 - Saturday 15 March 2014 3:28

Slutbutt McSluttypants would be a very slutty name.